I finally got a list of therapists in my area that are both covered by my employer insurance plan, and list specialties including gay and family issues. Since I didn't have time during the day to start calling these guys, I'll take this chance Ttp get input on what I should look out for when selecting a therapist. Picking a primary care doctor seems easy in comparison, they check your vitals periodically, tell you to eat healthier and exercise more, prescribe some meds as needed to treat various things, but there's not a lot they can really mess up, they usually send you off to a specialist if they really need to do something invasive physically. However. with a therapist, it is about as invasive as you can get, digging into the deep recesses of the mind. If you end up with a bad one, it could do more damage than you already had going in. So, what should I have as my criteria about who to visit? Certainly it has a huge personality factor in making this work; the therapist could be preeminently qualified, but if his personality doesn't work with mine there's no point in keeping it going, right? Are there any certifications I should expect them to have for dealing with a Gau man in a heterosexual marriage with children? Seems like a lot of you have been through therapy before, so your insights on how to get the process started would be valuable to me. Thanks in advance everyone! -Rich
I had a miserable experience with therapy earlier in life. But when my husband and I had our problems both my own personal therapist and our marriage therapist were absolutely amazing. I think that as long as they are qualified and everything much of it just goes down to personality and the only thing you can do is try. If you get one that you just aren't feeling comfortable with for whatever reason, ask for a transfer. That's what my therapist told me. She said no hard feelings, but you need to feel comfortable. Some people just aren't going to click and that's ok. But don't give up on therapy due to a not great therapist. When you have a good one, the experience can be fantastic.
I went to all their web sites. Looked at papers they'd written and published, looked up their PhDs theses. Professional associations, groups they're involved with. Narrowed it down to 3, then made calls. First one I spoke with was awesome -- and a year later, I still consider him amazing. Google is your friend. You should be able to access their masters and PhDs theses at heir university web sites.
I found mine (she was my 3rd attempt) on a website for transpersons. She is amazing! I'm not her first trans patient and she already has a list of LGBT friendly/experienced doctors
What would help in giving you meaningful input would be to know what specific issues you're seeking therapy for. General coming out issues are one thing; if there's a lot of shame or self-esteem stuff, depression, anxiety, etc., that's another, and there are different theoretical orientations and training that are better for one than another. If you can give some insight about that, it will help.
I feel that you have to meet the person you are seeking help from. Once you narrow it down to a few in your area make an appointment. You don't have to stay with the first one you choose. You will know from the first visit if you click with this person or not. If you don't feel that you have "the right one" run as fast as you can. I honestly have been through 4 therapist until I have found the right one and you are right they can damage you for a long time if they are not sensitive to your needs. Thankfully, I have been with my female therapist for 12 wonderful years. She is not a clock watcher at all and understand my every need. Good luck in finding the right one.
The main thing is getting past the guilt of having taken 19 years since we met to get to this point where I feel compelled to clear the air and be honest with my wife about me being gay. Then there is the whole coming out issue and the remifications to our relationship, our kids, financially, house, after-school programs, the whole ball of wax. I know in my heart what I need to do to heal myself, but then I open a wound in my family. Based on what I have seen since we had kids, I'd say 60/40 in favor of things going well. But that's without taking into account the highly charged emotions that will surface when I come out to her. Then I worry about what kind of support she can get professionally and even with her family.
All good topics to discuss with a therapist, Rick. And I agree that you'll probably know after just one visit whether your therapist is right for you.
OK, so most of that is relatively "garden variety" common stuff that most any therapist will have experience in working with. (Nearly every therapist who's been in practice more than a few years has had LGBT clients.) I would look for a therapist who has a combination of an existential/insight based approach with some CBT and experience in family dynamics. Since it sounds like you're pretty grounded, I'd also suggest that you consider seeking a therapist who is comfortable challenging you a bit and encourage you to go to the edge of your comfort zone in working through your issues. (You'd think the last part would be obvious, but a lot of therapists -- mostly incompetent ones -- are uncomfortable going into any challenging territory because of their own issues, so it's important to talk about that up front.) The CBT almost every therapist will have as it's what insurance most wants to pay for, and the family dynamics piece, likewise, is a very, very common issue in therapy. It's the existential/insight that might be a little harder to find, but very beneficial from what you've described. You would benefit from aspects of both approaches. If you can find one who has those things *and* an LGBT specialty, that's definitely worth looking at, but I'd choose for theoretical orientation first and LGBT issues second, as what you're talking about are more general adjustment issues than a lot really specific to LGBT. And just as important as any of the above is your connection with the therapist. No one therapist will mesh perfectly with every client, so what's important is a combination of the theoretical orientation and skill set and a rapport style that works well for you.
