I've been married for over 30 years. I have three grown children. I love my wife. There is alot I like about being married. I enjoy doing things with my friends and living a heterosexual life style (If there is such a thing). I don't look at men the same way I look at women. When I look at an attractive women the sexual thing is there. I mean the things that are sexually appealing to a man physically. That's not how it is at all with a man. I don't see a guy walking down the street and notice him in that way. No matter what he looks like. I have to know him and know that there is some interest on his part. I know it was wrong but I've had an affair with two men over the past twenty years. Not at the same time. Both men were considerably older than I. I was sure that it was just a sexual thing but as I got to know each one something more was there. I don't want to hurt the people I love and I feel bad about what I've done but the feelings and desires are with me all the time. Incidentally both affairs are over. I cant visit this sight to often but any advice or insight would be appreciated. I never thought I be struggling with these things at this time in my life. Thank you all.
Hi, You love yourself? From your post you are confused and hurting. You are important too. Welcome. Tom
I'm so sorry you're going through this pain. Sexual orientation is not all about sex--I am sexually attracted to women and don't notice men sexually until I become close friends with them. And when I do become close friends, sex becomes an extension of real tenderness and friendship. I identify as bisexual, but most of my deep spiritual connections have been with men. Maybe the same is true for you. I mean, maybe some part of your spirit (sorry to use that term, can't think of a better one) needs a male companion. It's possible that you can give your heart and your body to your wife, be in that marriage and in that life almost wholeheartedly...and still be missing the lost pieces of your true self. In Plato's symposium there's a myth about the origin of love, how we used to all be two people in one (some of us two men, some two women, some a man and woman) and we got separated. Maybe your soul mate is male. I hope you find the courage to talk to your wife and explore this. I hope you find happiness. It's never too late to realize the missing pieces and come to be your authentic self, and you might be surprised to find the people who care most about you will support your exploration. I hope so. Please keep posting on here!
My therapist says that love (and sex) occurs from the neck up. It isn't always about arousal--sometimes it's just about feelings, and gender isn't all that important. I identify as gay, mostly because I've lived in the closet for so long, and I want to wear this skin, at long last, for a while. But I'm not hung up on labels. I think we should just love, without the label, and if sex is part of it, great... Like you, I'm long-time married, and I love my wife. But it stopped being about romantic love or sex a long time ago. And I finally accepted that I am gay and that it matters. Stick around, and keep talking and listening here. Lots of great people and great advice... Welcome! (*hug*)/ Ed.
where you belong is to be comfortable with yourself in your own skin. to be able to look yourself in the mirror and recognize the person liking back is the same admirable man you envision yourself to be. that is all we can aspire to, everything else flows from that center.
