I started posting here about a year ago. I was approaching my 35 birthday and was determined to come to some sort of understanding about who exactly I am. Yet here I am almost another year gone and not feeling all that much closer to understanding. I've been super busy over the past year and for various stretches of time the issue wasn't on my mind for the most part however it would be there in some form or another continuously. Last night as I laid in bed I thought over my entire history, the attractions I've felt over the years and while I've had relationships with women (even a marriage) my fantasies have almost exclusively been about men,some times women are present in them but I'd estimate I fantasize about women alone less then a fraction of a percent of the time. I thought about the men I've known who I'd envision myself with while I was having sex with girlfriends/ex wife and thought about the crushes I had that far surpassed simply idolizing celebrity as a young child. So with acknowledging there's been some level of attraction for women over the years my preference has been predominantly towards men. So I said it to myself last night not for the first time time but maybe the hundredth "I'm gay". I thought to myself what the next steps would be, do I come out, do I date etc. But I decided I'd just try to spend the next few days trying to get comfortable in my own skin and then I'd go from there. Then it happened...as I showered this morning-my mind wandering about this lawyer that visits my place of work from time to time-a fantasy I've had dozens of times but just the. He pops out of my head and I find myself envisioning an ex girlfriend.... This has been a frustrating pattern for me. It seems just when I think I finally get it something pops into my head and restarts the cycle. I'm determined to put that rare fantasy behind me and spend the next few days trying to accept myself as a gay man but that's much easier said then done. I've been going through this for far too long and fear being in the same boat next year and the year after etc etc.
Hi.. I wish I could offer help.. Unfortunately all I can say is that I am almost in the same exact boat. So at least you are not alone. I am 31 and feel like I am no closer to finding out who I am than I was when I was 18. Every time I feel like I have settled it in my mind and heart, something happens and I go right back to questioning (i.e. an ex-girlfriend, or and extremely good looking woman). The one constant in my head is my fantasies are almost always exclusively of men. While I do get turned on by women, I never ever fantasize about them and if I do, it does not turn me on very much if at all. Based on my fantasies a lot would assume I am gay. And, while I may prefer sex with another man, I cannot see myself ever settling down with another man. Just something about it doesn't settle well with me, nor do I ever find another man very attractive. These things alone keep me guessing about my sexuality. You know what though... Deep down I am pretty sure I am gay and all of this bickering in my head is my fear of change and acceptance of who I am. It is the straight me not letting go.. This is where I am right now.. The straight me holding on for dear life. But it is slowly losing its grip because everyday I try to become a little more accepting of the situation and the more I talk about it, here and with one close friend the closer I get to fully accepting myself. I know this probably doesn't really help, but hang in there you'll figure it out.. I am sure you already know the truth, you just may have to accept it.
Hi, If it is any help... I am gay. I can say a woman is attractive but nothing about them stirs my sexuality. I am simply a masculine gay only interested in men. If that helps. Yeah, I married a woman but sex was not interesting, simply mechanical. It quit with time. My friend has told me he has asked a few straight men very close to him if they ever fooled around or daydreamed about same sex and the answer was never. Only you know your sexuality and bisexual is an option. Tom ---------- Post added 22nd Feb 2014 at 12:51 PM ---------- Curious... If you were posed with an impossible situation... Answer the question honestly and you live, lie and die what would you choose; Gay, Bi, Straight - - - you gay five seconds. Go! Tom
Lost, If anything it is always comforting to not feel so alone in it all. As frustrating as it all is. All evidence rendered it seems ridiculous for me to still struggle and still deny...I long for the da of total acceptance. …………………… Tom, Truthfully I'd likely say "I'm gay"...then twelve seconds later "I'm bi…I don't know".
maybe your internal fear of being gay blocks your gay fantasies when your mind senses you are about to become too comfortable and actually pursue matters beyond a fantasy. a mental cockblock, if you will. or if you're bi then your straight side is dominant and your gay side is recessive and expresses itself through fantasy. just a couple possibilities.
It's possible..generally when there's been sexual attraction to a woman it's been after getting to know her. I mean I see attractive women but can't remember the last time/if ever that caused arousal. I good looking guy- a nice set of abs and that's a whole other story....whatever it is that I am I think it's becoming clear to me that it's predominately gay.. I understand internalised homophobia but the struggle is I've always been outwardly vocal about equal rights and fair treatment when it comes to others. But, for some reason that's perhaps the root of the struggle with in me. I know it doesn't help that in any "gay" related media I view I don't see anyone like me. Logically I know there are plenty of masculine gay men and surely I've encountered many in my life but just didn't know. The more athletes etc that come out thankfully future generations likely won't feel like they don't have examples... I know an issue that has weighed me down through all of this is the city I live in. I've been here for too long and have to big a history to think I'd ever be comfortable being out here. The problem is I'm stuck here for the foreseeable future...I've got a business that's on the verge of going under and am far from having the means to just up and start over elsewhere.
see, I knew there was a lot more going on than just losing interest once the fantasy came too close to reality. you are under a lot of stress both internally about being gay, and externally with the business and having long standing ties to your community that would be strained by coming out. break each of these fears down and examine what exactly is the source, then you can find patterns in your life and learn to address them going forward. there is no magic switch that just makes the fears go away, but in time you learn how to manage them and mitigate them so they don't control your actions.
Things suck as the business are relatively new, sadly this cycle has been going on for years but I get the point. I keep saying to myself "one step at a day/one day at a time" but seem to find myself continually starting over.
I could have posted this myself, 10 years ago. I'm about 10 years farther along my life's journey and at some point in my late 30s, I accepted that I do find men attractive (especially a nice firm butt -- wow!). But I digress. In this time I also figured out that my relationship issues with my wife (lack of intimacy, lack of passion, lack of fighting for the rela) is consistent with all my relationships with women. In my skin, all these relationship traits are on reserve for another man. It seemed repulsive 10 or even 5 years ago, but today I long for it and I wish he were here with me now, on the couch, watching figure skating with me, LOL. My point is, I think you'll get here too. Let yourself be you and see where it takes you.
Allnew, From what you've said, it sounds like you've had very little (if any) actual experience with men. If that's true then maybe you should consider experimenting. I also wonder if you're more focused on your label than you need to be. For many years I firmly identified as gay, even through 20 years of being married to a woman. Unexpectedly, now that I've been single for three years, I find myself wanting to reject any label. This is not because I'm suddenly more attracted to women....I might be, a little...but mostly because men have become less attractive. Physically they're still extremely hot but I'm less interested in a relationship with one than I ever have been. Hook-ups don't appeal either. I can't tell you how weird it is to be totally free to date whoever I want, yet I don't really want to date anyone. Periodically, I'll read through hundreds of dating profiles, hoping to feel inspired, yet I seldom feel anything. A couple of months ago I was in a bar with some friends and an attractive woman kept asking me to dance. I didn't want to abandon my friends, and I didn't see a point in flirting with a woman, so I refused her, but for days afterward I kept thinking about her. Our eyes caught the minute I stepped into the bar. I felt something when I saw her and she obviously felt something too. I had no way to find her again, even if I wanted to, but the experience was electric enough that I tried browsing dating profiles for women, just to see how I felt about the idea. It turned out that I didn't look for long - the thought of approaching any woman, courting her, possibly getting into a relationship...WAY too overwhelming. Sex? Sure, if it was purely for my pleasure, and if there was no expectation for anything more, even meaningful conversation. More recently, I just learned that a guy I was attracted to several years ago is single again. Since finding that out, I've been thinking about him a lot. He's the first guy I've actually wanted to go on a date with in more than a year. Label-wise, I still think I'm far more gay than straight, but what I'm learning is that THE PERSON matters more than gender. I can admire Channing Tatum's beauty but I'd never want to date him. I can greatly admire Julianna Margulies too but I'd never even think of speaking to a woman like her. The thing is, what appeals to me about both of them is entirely within my imagination. I know if I met them in person, my feelings could change tremendously. Interacting with them, with anyone, is really all that matters. So that's what I do now. I have no expectations, I meet people, and if things ever click, attraction and desire will naturally follow. Although it's totally logical to pick a gender, pursue that gender, and find someone you like, why put those first two limitations on yourself? Why not skip to the end and just focus on finding someONE you like?
I wouldn't put too much stock into the idea that if you support gay rights then you should be able to accept your sexuality accordingly. I have been been in total denial for my whole life about being gay (while being a supporter of gay rights the whole time). I even had that same thought you did as a way to reason my way to an answer about my sexuality, (or possibly deflect myself from accepting that I am gay.) It's very easy to put on a public face, even to yourself, then lie to yourself about your personal identity.
Cameron, I've had some experience but not much and not in a really productive manner. Sadly almost any time I've had the chance to experiment or get to know someone I chicken out... I understand your point about labels and logically agree. Labels are more often for other people not for us however to some extent it helps define. If we were in a time (which I see being down the road) where you could date whoever you fancied with zero second glances, backlash or gossip this would be incredible for most. I live with this weird fear that the moment I come out to everyone as gay is the moment I meet a woman that knocks my socks off. So I've tried to just live without defining in the past, with an attitude of who I'm attracted to is who I'm attracted too and I've found that fine as far as viewing, fantasizing etc but doesn't particularly change the scope as far as dating..
