Let's talk trust...

I have abandonment issues. I don't think I'll ever get over it tbh

 

I think we're learning trust here... It will take time.

 

Awww, thanks Tom, right back atcha... I think this is the reason I'm panicking over what happened to me last night...

 

Have trust issues...afraid of being used and not truly loved.

 

I absolutely have trust issues. I'm trying to remind myself to live in the moment more, to practice mindfulness, enjoy each day etc. There are no guarantees in life, in any relationship, with regard to our health, our children's health, etc. So, instead of sitting around feeling jealous/ unworthy/ with walls fully intact .... I'd like to experience love and relationship. Risky, yes. But worth it, I think.

 

trust issues, yes... but for others or myself or both?

 

This!

I don't think I could ever fully trust anyone. Sometimes I'm not even sure if I could trust myself. I'm a mess.

 

Some of us have suffered real abandonment. (Richie, you've alluded to it, but I don't think you've talked about it much here.)

But I think all of us have suffered from the fear of abandonment. I think it's one of the big drivers that kept a lot of us in the closet for so long. We long for acceptance, but fear the loss of it.

I think we're all vulnerable, or we wouldn't be in this situation. So the issue for me is whether we're open enough to be public in our vulnerability. And Tom, I think if we weren't vulnerable, we wouldn't be here. Maybe we're looking at two sides of the same coin...

As for trust... It's probably not wise to be too trusting in the world in which we live. But by sharing our vulnerability, we begin to be open again. And, being more open, we learn whom we can trust and whom we can't.

Many of us have gained a beachhead in the battle for trust; we've found one or more people that we can be ourselves with. And we need to move forward from the beachhead.

Wow, that was a ramble! And I hate that I slipped into a war metaphor!:tantrum:

 

Add me to the list of people who have trust issues.

And I honestly have to wonder if I'll ever be able to trust... I hope so, but I still wonder.

Although, to a degree, one thing I've noticed: many of the people I've had trouble with gave me ample warning of the fact. Even if I didn't fully recognize it at the time.

One story I've told before was about an incident involving my supposed best friend during 2nd and 3rd grades. It's a long story. But the basic Cliff's Notes: we went exploring the woods by his grandmother's house one day. And as we were leaving, he stopped at some point. He pointed out that I didn't know my way out of the woods. And he said he wouldn't show me unless I "proved I was a boy." You have one good guess what evidence he was interested in seeing. (Please note: this was not a case "I'll show you mine if you show me yours!" This was "you'll show me yours, or else!") The experience was scary, upsetting, and humiliating.

But...looking back, I had plenty of small clues that this boy's trustworthiness--at least as far as our relationship was concerned--was lacking. I just didn't recognize it at the time. (And I probably tolerated a lot of things I shouldn't have because he was my only friend. He dumped me, and I was left with zero. Even at the tender age of 9, I was pretty much a social outcast at school.)

 

So did my school--middle school and high school. We weren't the quiet table, though; I don't remember the others as being terribly shy. The one thing we all had in common was that we were all unbelievably good at academics. We weren't accepted into the larger cliques--we were too odd, each in our own way. But we accepted one another's oddness; we were truly a brotherhood of sorts.

In hindsight--in my case--I was probably the only gay guy in the group.

And BMC, I did experience the same kind of meanness you did. I don't think we ever forget those moments in our lives.

 

thats really a healthy way of looking at it, you bet it haunts them!!! And so it should!!! Your a great guy Tom!:eusa_clap

 

I think more fear of abandonment than trust - but realistically, aren't those two sides of the same coin? If you fear being abandoned, it's because you don't trust people enough to think they'll stay with you. I know I was already started down that road before the hormones hit and I started noticing other boys. And after looking through Joe Kort's book, I get a little sad because I'm realizing that in many respects, the person who provided so many of the qualities I like about myself also was responsible for a lot of that fear. There are days, particularly in this whole experience of shifting priorities and figuring out how to best reboot my life, that it comes crashing back with a vengeance, but I'm relying on good attitude, good friends and good therapy to help me get it behind me once and for all.

 

For me a large part of it is due to my being reliant (dependent) on others to validate my worth my whole life. First, it was doing whatever needed to be done to please my parents. Then it was to please friends in college. Then to please my wife. Then to please the kids. It's never been about pleasing me and the prospect is unnerving.

 

OMG, it could be me who wrote that!
I have just begun to find out what I want with my life and I am still struggling to tell people whom I really am because it makes me vulnerable.

Skiff, I wish I could handle my woods story as you can handle yours. Mine left me with a huge amount of shame and guilt and of course trust issues.