gay later in life....acting out. HELPPPPP

sorry for the long post, but please read and help. i am grasping at straws and need advice....

Hi guys, I really need your help. Here's some backstory. i am in my late 30s. i have repressed my attraction to guys for years. i had girlfriends (a few) in my 20s. i am long term relationship oriented and generally had a goodie-two-shoes persona. not because i was trying to be a goodie-goodie, i just was kinda boring and nerdy and the guy next door type. i did like my girlfriends but i knew i liked guys too. i moved away from my city in my early 30s and moved to a major metropolitan city. there were more gays there. i was single. i felt like i wanted to explore and for about almost 10 years (believe it or not) i have been putting my foot in the gay water toe by toe.it's been a long process and i still have not gone "all the way with a guy" or had a boyfriend yet. but i have accepted to myself that i like guys. you would think it would not take almost ten years to do this but it has.

anyway, i started going to the club scene about 6 years or so ago. at first it was a way to see other gay guys live in living color. then i accepted that was bored of going to straight clubs and really wanted to be where gay people were.

i have actually come out to a few people and recently have been making strides in trying to accept myself. i have a lot of shame and bad thoughts about my same sex attraction. i have sought counseling support because it was becoming overwhelming and i was very depressed.

over the past couple of years, whenever i would go to some of the gay clubs, it would be a cycle. i would go, i would get some drinks in me, and i would let loose and touch and grab guys rear-ends in public. they would let me of course, but it was a way for me to get some feels and i would never do anything more. then i would go home. worry the next day that someone saw me doing that sort of thing. feel shame. feel bad. feel more shame and guilt and then i would banish myself from the clubs and go into hiding. then i would resurface again at another club 3 months later and do it all again. i would not take these guys home where we could be alone in private, but i would act out in the clubs in public and worry about it later. seems stupid but not sure why i did/do that.

lately my overall self image and self esteem is in the toilet. i'm old for gay clubs (late 30s) but surprisingly guys still like me there. not everyone does but i can still get my fair share of attention. but i'm so scared to physically do anything with guys in terms of going all the way. at the club i feel ok about my behavior and actually feel liberated and like i'm having fun. the next day i feel shameful about my behavior and hate myself for it. i wonder if i was doing the same thing in a straight club would i feel bad......Probably not. but the cycle of shame keeps going.

i have made some positive strides. i came out to a guy i thought was cute but he said he was straight and still wanted to be my friend. i felt that was awesome. i also came out to a friend of mine as well and she was accepting. i recently saw two people that may not have known i was gay and they were at the gay clubs (one was gay, one was not). i felt embarrassed a little and wondered how they now perceive me.

basically i'm just being flirty and social at these clubs and sometimes i dance....kinda what you are supposed to do at the clubs. however the groping is uncalled for and i feel like a slut for it. also i can dance suggestively and i also feel like a male-slut for that.again, when i am doing these things to women, i do not feel like a slut. i just feel like i'm dancing at a club. but when it is a guy involved, i feel like a whore. i am also christian so i'm dealing with that too.

i guess i need help guys because i feel terrible about myself lately and feel like i'm going into one of my cycles of hiding again becuase my gay and straight worlds are now colliding. i wish i could be more comfortable with my sexuality. at the club and after a few drinks, what i want seems clear. it seems natural, and it seems like i really want to connect physically and emotionally with another guy. however, after the drinks wear off and i'm at my house wondering who say me and what they think about me as a result, i feel like crap. i want to get out my cycle. i want to be ok with being me. i just dont know how to do it. the good guy that had a good image, seems like he is no longer there. it feels like i can no longer try and make myself perfect and it's hard to just be a regular person. im drained and i can't keep trying to be this other perfect guy anymore that always does the right things and says the right things and acts the appropriate way. i feel like i'm reliving my 20s or college years but i'm too old for that now....any advice. helppppppp me.

can anyone help or offer advice. i feel horrible.

 

hi skiff and jim....i am in counseling. it has help me get to the point where i have felt a little more ok with coming out to some people. this year, i have come out to 3 people so far. as far as the clubs, i only go to look at attractive guys because i do not know where else guy gays go. its pretty much what straight people go to clubs for. just to dance and have fun and flirt. they are all meat markets. but yea, i definitely need to stop going. i never feel good about myself after i act out and get too sexual with the dance moves.

relationshipwise, i want to date, and get to know someone and that's about it. ultimatley, i woudl like a boyfriend.

 

tom, here's the think. i'm not white. i know that most of those gay accepting events and clubs and stuff are attended mostly by white guys. nothing wrong with that. race is not a big did but culturally i just feel out of place. because i feel like a double minority there. i am not into sports so that's out. but i am open to meeting people outside my race, i just feel alone and kinda want to meet ohter people that look like me or in my culture but they do not really have a lot of groups for me. also, when i go to gay events (non club) i feel "gay". i know that sounds weird but i find that people there are usually very comfortable with themselves and maybe less masculine. not a big thing at all but i feel like i do not fit in there. maybe i should learn how to play sports but it's not my thing. i think you are right. i have to get out of the clubs.

 

thanks. i feel pretty down on myself right now. i feel like such a bad person. i think that being seen acting out makes me feel less of a normal person and i feel terrible.

 

i really needed to hear this. i have talked to a few close friends that know my situation and they have said the same thing. essentially that i need to lighten up, enjoy life, and i'm did not do anything that hasn't been happening in the clubs already (gay or straight). also, my paranoia of if people were talking about me or telling others...well my friends said they hated to burst my bubble but nobody is thinking about me that hard anyway. they tend to give me tough love. they basically told me i need to accept being gay and stop fighting it and that i am acting out due to loneliness and that i need to meet someone. i agree with it all. i am not comfortable with myself. i almost hate myself in a way but not really. i love me, but also hate the gay part of me. still wishing it was not there or that i could be a more mature gay guy whose behaviors fits the rest of himself. but like you said, i need to realize that it took years of experience in other areas of my life to be confident and more relaxed. however, the "gay part of me" well i never let that grow. so now im letting it grow at a later age and that's why things are matching up. if i had started going to gay clubs when i was 21 and experiencing gay sex and hooking up and relationships, well by my age i would be a lot more advanced and probably not going to gay clubs anymore. but im actually learning as i go now. i think you hit the nail on the head...when i get more accepting of myself then i can go to places and not have to feel so bad about myself.

---------- Post added 24th Feb 2014 at 10:43 PM ----------

so how do you "accept" yourself. i accept in my mind that i like guys. that i find some of them HOT. that i would love to be in a relationship with a guy that makes me feel great. but all of that is trapped in the little gay closet in my head. where i can have my gay thoughts and ideal life. but then i am straight world all the time. so whenever i do anything "gay" i feel like a slut. it's so stupid to feel this way because even when i was dating women, if i did anything sexual i would also feel like a whore with them too. overall any sexual expression i do or have i label it as bad. so for years i tried to hide in celibacy and that's probably why i am butt grabbing and going nuts in the club. i am afraid to have sex though.

 

the self loathing is so strong in me it's ridiculous. even other people tell me that i need to get over it. i will try and read the book.

 

it's pretty simple.

do nothing gay and just be asexual...i feel normal and like my old self

do something gay, have gay thoughts, have any physical intimacy with a guy...kiss, make out, or do anything gay in public....dance with a guy, kiss a guy, touch a guy at a gay club of all places...feel like a whore.

the loathing has always been there. not sure how to turn it off.

 

maybe a combo of all three. not sure how they got there but they are there. whenever i would have sex with a woman, i would feel the same way. i have a somewhat victorian era idea of what is and what is not acceptable proper behavior. maybe i am reincarnated from a previous life and i was a 1900 lace dressed wearing victorian aristocrat. i'm not sure. all i know is that any signs of not being proper make me feel like a whore. my family does not share these views as much as i do so im not sure why i have them. i tried meditating a few times but i resisted it since. when i did do it, i focused on the reality of where i was at that moment and not what happened in teh past or future or whatever, just that period of "now". i stopped doing this as it was contray to my religious christian upbringings of meditating (zoning out versus being a prayful meditation).as an adult they do not have any authority to tell me what to do but i feel a great dishonor to them and the other ancestors that have passed away as though i am sullying the family name by shaking my money maker on teh danceflooor in a gay club. i do not feel the same shame when i am doing the same thing at a straight club with a woman.