I feel all I ever do is complain. I think my mind is really messed up but I don't know what to do. Could I allow myself to be happy? I think but I doubt it will ever happen because I am too negative to break the cycle. I can't graduate from college even though I only have one class left. I am so lonely I curle up and cry myself to sleep. So, what's the point of this post? To express how pitiful I am, to cry out for help on an online message board. To wish I could take a magical pill to change everything. Anyway. I'm falling asleep now. I guess my ranting helped me stop bottling it up inside. Thanks for reading.
That is interesting and rare self-insight. If you *see* the cycle, and still can't break out of it, it's because you're getting something from being in it. Ask yourself what. ---------- Post added 25th Feb 2014 at 01:23 AM ---------- Sleep well, lefty.
I've been through the whole sleep-deprivation thing and it is a brutal, self-reinforcing dilemma. The thing that finally got me out of the cycle was having a face-to-face coming out with my best friend. I dreaded admitting my biggest darkest secret to her, but once I dragged it out into the sunlight so we could look at it together, it really wasn't that big and it wasn't dark or ugly and it certainly wasn't a secret any longer. She helped me see that being gay is just a small part of me. She helped me accept that being gay is not a choice or a sickness. And the biggest thing she showed me was that I was worthy of being loved because of who I am. I wonder if you're out to everyone except yourself?
knowing is half the battle. seems like letting out your feelings helped you rest somewhat. perhaps try bloging to just vent.
You are not pitiful. It takes courage to be honest w/yourself and others. I had insomnia for almost a year. It was awful. Talking and writing about all the endless stuff in my head really helped. As did a LGBT friendly therapist. We are here for you. Now your part of the EC family. (&&&)
You're not pitiful at all. In many respects I feel the same way. In session with my therapist he summarized "So really, the only person who doesn't like you, is you." And that summed it up. And despite 'knowing' that, it is still incredibly difficult to change the thinking that constantly goes on in my head - how I'm 'broken', 'not good enough', 'flawed', etc... But I do believe that in time and with work it CAN be overcome. Start working with someone. If you still have one course to do, take advantage of the counselling services at your school. Start talking with someone about how you're feeling - it can only help. It can't hurt.
asdf... I've been following your threads, and commented on one of them. Have you tried a PFLAG meeting, or looked on Meetup for LGBT activities.? Also try googling "LGBT activities and support near SLC," and see what's there. I know you're in the middle of some pretty religious country, but I understand that SLC has a fairly large LGBT population, so I'd hope you can find something. And many of those groups are not inhabited by shallow people. Some may suffer from the same issues that you do, but that doesn't make them mean. As for your family, I get what you're saying about not discussing sex with them. But don't the married couples wear wedding bands? Do they have family pictures around the house and where they work? Do loving couples hold hands in public, Do straight men and women talk about their dates, where they went, how they felt? Do they describe what their dates look like, and how much they like them? I'm betting they do all of those things. And no, they're not talking about what they do sexually, but they are expressing their sexuality, every day in a variety of ways. We live in a hetero-normative world where a straight couple holding hands is heart-warming, but where a gay couple is seen as "flaunting their sexuality"; where a guy describing to another guy how much he likes the way his girlfriend's hair looks is perfectly OK, but a guy describing his boyfriend's hair is "disgusting." The question I'd have about your family is: How would they react if you brought a boyfriend home for dinner? How would that differ from the way they'd react if you brought a girlfriend home for dinner? I'm guessing you know the answer to those questions. And maybe that's enough reason to just let it be in your relationship with them. We can't choose our family--none of us can. But we can choose our friends. In my experience, though, they rarely come looking for me. I have to go looking for them. I'm here if you want to talk. (*hug*)
Listen u had every right to post this thread and if u don't let it out and bottle your emotions up instead you'll be up all night that's y u have to let it out. If you think positive it will only get better from there.
