I love my parents, but I also really love living Far Away from my parents, because it allows for a semblance of normal. My dad has a serious mental disability. He doesn't have any addictions and lives on his own... but personal hygiene and boundaries aren't strong points, and I understand maybe 1 word out of 10 when we're talking? He's very supportive of me being not straight though, despite me not technically being out to him :lol: He keeps telling me that he doesn't care if I marry a girl or boy as long as he gets to walk me down the aisle. My mom is very religious, and while I don't think she'd disown me if I came out to her, I think she'd be super disappointed and would end every conversation with, "and we'll all be praying for you" forever after. That said... I fairly certain she knows and we're both just skirting around the issue. She has weird mode swings and controlling moments to so... it's a better relationship at a distance than it is close up. The trouble is, they're both getting old, and I'm worried about what will happen when my dad can't live independantly anymore, because conventional nursing homes aren't really equiped to deal with someone like him. and my mom... well, my uncle was just diagnosed with dementia, and I've been noticing my mom acting increasingly scattered even by her standards over the past few years. If they can't care for themselves anymore, I feel like I'm the only one who would be availlable to step in, but at the same time I feel super selfish because I don't want to give up my life and move back home to all of the stress and crazy (and random enforced bible studies). It's not an issue now, but I can foresee it in the near future. Anyone else on here dealing with aging parents? How do you cope?
Why is it that you think conventional nursing homes won't be equipped to handle him? What are the issues that would get in the way?
I am in the situation that you fear. I live with both of my folks at this time. It started out as a place to live while I was a student (I was 49 at the time) and I was helping out my dad who has dementia. My dad kept getting sick and refused to do a lot for himself. Came to find out about three months ago that he had stage 4 adenocarcinoma of the small intestines. He is not expected to live beyond Easter. I am still living at home. I still try to be independent but my mom is SO stressed about the whole situation that it makes it rough for all of us. I cope by working full time, visiting my girlfriend on the weekends when we can (every few weekends, not every one...), and I have a group of lesbian friends with whom I hand out with at least every Thursday evening. My friends say that I can come veg with them any time because a few have been through the situation themselves, or are going through it right now. I can't bring myself up to vegging with them yet because I feel guilty.
Do you have brothers or sisters or other relatives who can share the burden and decision making? It should not all fall on your shoulders .
Hi, Being a caretaker of a parent is difficult. As a society we have lost the skills we once had. Did your parent's take in their parents and were you living there too learning that dynamic? The nuclear, two working parent family has stripped a lot of skills needed for having an extended family away. Gay or straight it is a scary foreign concept. I know I could never live my mother and it has nothing to do with being gay. Can we learn the skills when push comes to shove? Sure, but is that the time to do it? If the only independence you know is based on distance, instant intimacy and dependence while you remain emotionally healthy sounds difficult. Tom
My mother died in her 40's, but my father had severe circulation issues that ended up with him losing both legs about 12 years before he died in 2011. He also was somewhat combative and either got along famously with people, or else was very bullying and angry. He lived in his home for the first several years after losing his legs, and eventually moved to a handicapped-accessible apartment, with easy access to shopping and activities (which was a godsend). I used to joke grimly that I was an "only child with 3 siblings", since I lived only a few minutes from him, but my sisters were on either side of the country, and my brother lives just far enough away to have a good excuse not to help out. Caring for an aging parent is a huge undertaking. My dad and I were never close, and being forced to spend that time with him did bring us to a much greater understanding of one another, and I have to say that when he died, I felt that there was very little unsaid between us. (Well, I never told him I was gay, and I'm not sure he could have fathomed that since I was married with 2 kids, but I wasn't ready to say the words myself at that point either.) I also felt that it gave my daughters a good opportunity to spend more time with him, and also get more sensitive to dealing with a handicapped person. But, reality check: It's not a pleasant experience, particularly if it's just you, and I wouldn't even consider the notion of moving back home to assist. My dad was not particularly needy, but his idea of priorities was quite different from mine, and his expectation tended to be that if he needed something, he would call me and I would magically appear. It took several years to "train" him into the understanding that my wife and kids had to take priority, and if you don't have anyone else in your life at the moment, you parents are very likely to assume that if you're back, you are 100% at their disposal. Not saying they are selfish or bad, not in the slightest. But if you move back, you are sending a strong signal that you are there for whatever they want, whenever they want it. You owe it to yourself to avoid that. You might want to check with social services in the area where they live and see what options there are, and lay out a tentative plan for how to deal with the challenges that will come about as they age, and start getting some thoughts about your options for arranging for and managing their care from a distance. Plan on regular visits, not weekly or anything like that, but keep some schedule in mind of how often it would be appropriate to visit and check up on them. Even very loving and caring adults can get caught up in their own lives (why wouldn't they, after all?) and forget how long it's been, so a definite plan for scheduled visits will lessen your stress and any feelings of guilt. And if you're not in the habit, call them regularly to check up, and just to let them know you care. One of the things that irritated my father no end was going a year between phone calls from my sisters. I pointed out dryly once that his phone did have a dial, but it wasn't really that he wanted to initiate a conversation. He just wanted to know that they were thinking of him, and cared about him. Sounds like you are already doing good job in that respect.
Hello, There is a Federal system of Independent Living Centers. Their priority is to keep the disabled and elderly living as independently as possible in the community. The can connect you with supports and services to achieve that. Ask for the "Options" person as they will review your options with you. Tom
All good advice. One other thing you should investigate and resolve NOW is whether they have valid "living wills" or "power of attorney" documents or whatever it's called in your part of the world (check with local government website, or a lawyer). Basically it's a legal document that says they authorize you (or another sibling, or someone else of their choosing) to make decisions (medical, financial, etc) on their behalf when they won't be capable to do it themselves (either unconscious/coma/meds, or awake but far enough into dementia that they don't understand what is going on any more). Note they have to be still "competent" to sign one of those, so waiting too long is not a great idea. Don't forget yourself in the process - as they say in those airline security briefings, put your own oxygen mask before assisting another passenger.
