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31, married 12 years, 3 kids... Gay.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by PresidentC, Feb 25, 2014.

  1. PresidentC

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    Hello all!

    Several people told me to post here, so here is my story.

    I am president C. My wife and i are 31, and have the most beautiful children in the workd. Let me start this by saying that I have been gay my whole life, I just didnt know how to deal with the feelings.

    My wife and I are high school sweethearts. Absolute best of friends. When we got together I should have been more honest about my past. About how I had already had some experiences that I had already had with men. What I was 100% feeling.

    When she and I got together I had never felt the way about a woman, I did towards her. It was completely new to me. I felt maybe I had overcome the feeling of wanting to be with another man. Just a word of advice, it doesn't go away. Never. It might suppress while you are early in your relationship, but IT WILL come back.

    I do like to drink. A couple of weeks ago the alcohol didnt mix well with my emotions. i found myself inthe bathroom looking at craigslist hoping i would find someone crying out who was in the same situatiom as I. I realized what i was doing was completely wrong and for the first time in my marriage, I considered suicide. I never though that my feelings towards men and hiding it from my wife would push me to that place, but it did.

    Two nights ago, the feelings were hitting me strong again. After 12 years of marriage, shaking like someone had a gun to my head, I told her. I'm gay. I always have been. You gave me something special no other woman has ever made me feel. By the look on her face I wondered if I had just pulled her heart from her chest, spit and stomped on it. It wasn't my intention at all to hurt her, but I did. And I really fell if I didnt I might not be here today.

    There is nothing more I want in my life than to make this work, but even now, these feelings will never stop. Where do we go from here? How do we keep our family happy as well as ourselves? I am meeting with a coundselor later this week for advice, but I am ins situation where I will take all the advice I can get.
     
  2. ukguy

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    Hi PresidentC - well you will find plenty of people on this site who have been through what you have and come out the other side. I told my wife I was gay a couple of years ago and have since met a guy too. My advice, for what it is worth, is take things slowly and let you and your wife get used to what is a very different situation and future. Counselling helps, yes. Time and baby steps towards a different life and a different relationship with your family - are, for me, the way forward.
     
  3. skiff

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    Hi Prez,

    You and I have a lot in common.

    First, society pushed you, forced you, levered you into the situation you find yourself. It SUCKS but you made the best of it.

    For me only thing to do... If society cannot be fixed resolve your situation yourself.

    I just posted this on a friends wall...

    "You know I think my mother did me a great service by the overuse of negativity and guilt in childhood which allowed me to learn first hand (early on) what I posted under the "Shame" thread.

    We are too old to not militantly state;

    Sticks and stones can hurt my bones but my sexuality (words, shame, guilt) will never hurt me.

    When I was kid around 10 my mother washed my older brothers mouth with a bar of soap. In defiance he bit off the soap and spit it out. That lesson most likely saved my psyche.

    Guilt and shame have no weight with me unless I feel it is appropriate.

    We can be happy if we truly put that childhood lesson into action.

    Bite it off and spit it out."

    We have to be militant about our own happiness which society wants to deny us.

    Yes, correcting a past error causes pain, but so doesn't setting a broken bone. Without setting the break and going through the pain healing will never happen.

    Tom
     
  4. GayDadStr8Marig

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    So many parallels to my own background... You're a welcome addition to this community. You will find many supportive voices sharing similar stories here.

    -Rich
     
  5. Richie.

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    My title is, 32 married ten years, 2 kids, one dog, one cat, came out to my wife 6 weeks ago... .
    welcome aboard, glad you doing us.

    Well done on coming out I know how scary it is to come out to your wife, and it does feel like you say, you pulled her heart from her chest, but if you are true,ly good as a couple I believe you can work through this and become good friends..

    Me and my wife 6 weeks on are on a road on recovery is a long hard bumpy road but recovery is bound to come..

    Let her grieve she needs too. Be supportive and your doing a great thing with therapy!!

    You'll get through this, I know!!
     
    #5 Richie., Feb 26, 2014
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2014
  6. Jim1454

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    Hi and welcome to EC. I was 35, married 9 years, 2 kids - and gay. There are MANY of us who have had a similar exerpience. You've come to the right place. Telling her is likely the hardest thing you'll have to do - so that is now behind you. Get that counselling started - for yourself, for her, and for both of you as a couple. It will help - at least it did for my ex wife and I.

    Also as already stated, take things slow, and try to stay positive.

    Remember that this change holds promise for you, but not much for her. Be sensitive to that fact. You've just pulled the rug out from under her and there isn't much 'upside' for her. You have something to look forward to - being finally open and honest and authentic - but she was already 'living the dream' and this will be hard for her.

    We're all here rooting for you though. Feel free to ask whatever questions you might have - because we've likely been through it.

    All the best!
     
  7. D43054

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    Welcome Prez!

    I can identify with you... I'm married 29 years, two kids... Been gay all my life. I just told my wife Monday morning. You're going to be fine. You'll find lots of support here!
     
  8. Choirboy

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    One step at a time. You didn't get here overnight, and especially if you and your wife are close and love one another, you don't have to figure out the future overnight. You've already taken the first, and hardest, step, which is telling her (even if it may not have been the way you would have planned or chosen to).

    Remember that in your mind, being gay is very much something that you personally are coming to terms with, but where your relationship with your wife is concerned, you have to take her feelings into account as much as your own. Maybe more, at least at the start. Make sure she knows that you love her and care what happens to her, and build on the best parts of your relationship--which sounds to be a very close friendship. That will help ease her pain in the long run, and make the changes in your lives (both together and apart) a much more natural and positive thing.

    I have 2 teenagers, and told my wife 6 months ago. The changes in our relationship are still evolving, not quickly, but in a generally positive direction. Keep up your respect and love for her, but also for yourself. That will serve you both well in the long run.
     
  9. StillAround

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    Prez,

    I'm so glad you reposted here. You can already tell from the posts to your thread that many of us her have dealt with--or are dealing with, or will deal with--very similar issues. Welcome to the tribe!(*hug*)
     
  10. ormanout

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    PresidentC, you have done the right thing, even though you now have a "shared" issue, versus one that you'd previously kept to yourself. Sharing the issue is hard, but it's so much more fair. Your wife deserves to have some decision rights in this matter, just as you do. Often, our marriages become this place of merged identity and it's hard for us to see ourselves as individuals with unique needs. Time will help you figure out what's true for you and similarly so, for your wife. I've been out to my wife about a year. Had both personal and couples counseling, but we've still no final decision on what's going to happen. That too, will be revealed in time. This is not a race.
     
  11. Highlander2

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    Prez, welcome to EC. I'll add my two cents worth to the others here who have so much experience and wisdom to share with you from their own situations. For me 41, 2 kids, married to my wife of 15+ years, coming out to her in October last year was something that just happened and I was unable to stop it.

    I've posted in different threads - it's been like an unburdening posting here and the support I've had from others has been fantastic. You'll get through this - remember, one step at a time and think about everyone in this picture but keep yourself in focus. It's easy to get consumed by guilt and fear and end up promising things to others that you feel you need to do, but really you have little chance of sustaining long term.
     
  12. purpletide

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    Make sure that she knows how important she is to you and how much your love for her means. Remember, gay, straight, bi or anything in between, love trumps all. If your love for her is greater than your urges than you will be fine together. If you plan on staying with her, then it's pretty much all in her hands. If she chooses to stay with you then you two can work it all out, but if she decides that she can't be with you, you'll have to do your best to convince her to stay or decide the easiest way to move on and not tear your family apart doing it.
     
  13. PresidentC

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    Thank you all so much for the kind words. Today I meet my counselor for the first time, so everyone cross your fingers!

    On another note, my wife and I feel stronger about each other than ever. She is still by my send and is being extremely supportive. We have actually started looking for couples in our area in the same type situation. She even mentioned an open marrige where i could have a boyfriend away from home. This is all so crazy!
     
  14. Choirboy

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    That's very encouraging for you. I have no idea how well that kind of arrangement typically works in the long run, but if the two of you work through what you really want out of your relationship, and where you're willing to compromise, you never know. If you truly love each other and value your relationship, then the very best to both of you.
     
  15. skiff

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    Hi,

    Remember the stages of grief, what you see today can pass or other steps revisited.

    Breathe. Expect the unexpected.

     
  16. lemarikosong

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    Wow, just wow. I just want to congratulate you. You did the right thing! I hope she will find her own happiness someday, and the same goes to you :slight_smile:
     
  17. Omla

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    Sounds like nobility to me.
    I am a little curious without wanting in any way to instill doubt if you think one can be split sexually and romantically so one sex is referred for one and one for the other...
     
  18. PresidentC

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    Yes, I do. It's actually something I have dreamed about in this relationship for quite some time. My wife and I still have a great time in bed. But he is DEFINITELY the only woman for me. We are slowing discussing our options, because I do feel like I need to act on my Gay feelings.
     
  19. Pete1970

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    President,

    43, married almost 23 years, 2 kids here.

    Told me wife 4 months ago i was gay, pretty much figured it was over. 2 weeks before filing for divorce we decided to try again. We are going to go to counseling, something we should have done back then. We could have avoided 4 months of pain and hurt She says we could try now because she knows and she has a choice in this now, where before she had no choice.

    Not saying it will work out but i think we owe it to our 23 + years together and our kids to give it an honest try.

    Good luck
     
  20. Justinheller74

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    Wow! Your story maps pretty close to mine except I came out yesterday to my wife at the age of 39, after 19yrs of a relationship. With 4 kids.... I also contemplated suicide and thankfully so far my wife wants us both to be happy. We have a lot to work out but if level heads prevail we will make it! Hang in there and thanks for sharing because I know I'm not alone!