Hi everyone So after being straight my whole adult life I have entered a same sex relationship. When I am with her it just feels right and I am very happy. The main problem is I have been deceitful with family members including my teenage kids. This does not sit well with me, in fact this secret life is making me sick. I feel its best all round to have a conversation soon. The main problem apart from the common fear of rejection is I am not prepared to answer questions that are likely to be asked. I simply dont know my orientation. I have been attracted to women all my adult life but not as strongly as to men. Since entering this relationship I find I am not attracted to men but this could simply mean I am happy in my current relationship. I simply dont know if I would continue to date women if this relationship ends. I really dont know how I could explain any of this to my kids and I know they will ask. A lot of articles I have read said it was best to be prepared for these kinds of questions before coming out yet I know some people debate these questions for years without an answer. Any thoughts would be appreciated
Can you share with us some of the questions you anticipate? I am doing the same thing in preparation for telling my own kids, which will be quite soon.
If I'm being quite honest, you may have given the best possible answer to a handful of questions in your post: " I simply dont know my orientation." "I have been attracted to women all my adult life but not as strongly as to men. Since entering this relationship I find I am not attracted to men" "This could simply mean I am happy in my current relationship. I simply dont know if I would continue to date women if this relationship ends." Think about it. What you've said there is that you are happy. You haven't labelled anything or brought up any expectations, you've just said you know what, it doesn't matter because right now I am genuinely happy with the way things are.
My history is even less straight forward than yours. When I have talked with my straight family and friends, I have said "I'm dating someone and it's a woman" or "I'm dating a woman." If they ask if my attraction to women / sexuality is new, I say no. I either tell them more of my story or just that I was ready to live a more authentic life / was ready to act on my attraction to women. I reiterate that I'm really happy and this is who I am. I don't think I have to defend my past. There is nothing "wrong" with my previous relationship choices. They got me to this point in my life. I'm not going to apologize to the gay community or the straight community for my life. ---------- Post added 26th Feb 2014 at 12:07 PM ---------- I think the secret, if there is one, is not having the conversation before you're ready. And that readiness includes being happy and secure in who you are plus having boundaries. You don't have to discuss your sex life with your teenage kids. My girlfriend's mom actually went there with her 30 years ago when she came out. "You realize sex will mean oral sex with another woman." My gf said something like mom, you wouldn't say that to my brother so don't say it to me. I do not discuss details of my sex life when I share the fact of my sexuality or who I'm in a relationship with. Hat is just no required. Anyway, know that you don't have to answer all questions!
This is exactly how I intend to come out: a 2-step process, the first one is that I will be informing the kids (together, all at once so that they will be witnesses to each other's reactions) that I have started dating again. All on its own, this is a big thing for kids to accept after a divorce. Then I will simply tell them that my current preference is to date only guys. No gory details, it will be said simply and rather bluntly, but it will be said forcefully and confidently. They can use the word "gay" if they like, I won't deny it. In order to keep this light, I will give them permission to make fun if they do it to tease and not to injure. I will also tell them that they do not need to broadcast it to the world, but that I have no objection if they do. The way I say it to them will be 85% of the message, it absolutely must be done without shame and without apology. I will end the discussion by being open to questions (as said above, not all questions need to be answered). I will not tell them in front of the ex-wife, that will never happen. I will either tell her first or find a way to do it in writing at the same time as I tell the kids.
Wow, your story could be my own.. Married with teenagers, and straight all my life, I have entered into a relationship with another woman in the past year. When I think back, I have always had fantasies about other women, almost exclusively, but I never thought of that as my orientation. Now I am rethinking my entire life as I know it. Would be great to chat with someone in a similar circumstance.
Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I think I just needed reassurance that its ok not to be a 'type'. I am so much more than that. I try to live everyday uniquely and let go of the filters and notions that make us jaded. Now I am going to have a conversation with those closest to me where they will be trying to put me in a box. Strangely just knowing that's what is worrying me helps a lot. I recently attended a womens centre. On the intake form I had to pick a box, homo hetero or bi. It actually really worried me having to pick.i ended up ticking all three boxes which I guess was a little defensive. I don't think bi describes me at all. It doesn't feel like it fits. well I suppose it has taken me some time to get to where I am not trying to pick a category and it may well be the same for the family. I intend to start the conversation soon. I actually cant imagine it being worse than the lying and sneaking around I M doing write now. Its just exhausting.
Saqi I would love to hear more of your story. It feels good to meet someone with a similar background and I hope we can support each other.
Wow, I actually really like that you ticked off all three boxes! Bi is a tough label to live in for some reason...at least it has been for me. So glad you're in a relationship that makes you happy and hope your family will be happy for you.