I am beginning to hit all of my one year anniversary dates. Just passed the one-year anniversary of the intended suicide that was disrupted by a Lenten e-mail message. I am coming up on the one-year anniversary of coming out to my wife in a couple of weeks. As those dates roll by, I am at times feeling that I'm not making progress and have stalled out. Like others who have posted on this topic, I imagined that I would have moved out by now and that I would have come out to my adult children. I imagined that I would have begun the healing process and that I would have begun to experience the friendships within the gay community that I desire. None of that has happened. What has happened is that I've spent four months in couples counseling with my wife. I have spent another three months in individual therapy and continued to meet with my minister occasionally. What I sense is missing is the final strength of will to make these last major moves. Instead, I am focused on my internalized homophobia and self-hatred with my therapist. While it feels like something is happening, it's all internal and the major landmarks that I imagined are still in the future somewhere. While I felt an initial surge of bravery and boldness, now I feel cowardly and disgusted with my life for not taking action to provide the life for myself that I have denied for so long....but go to sleep every night praying that I'll find. I am fighting off sadness while hoping for a 2nd wave of courage to hit, while I spend my time undoing years of damage that is both externally and internally inflicted.
Hang in there. It sounds as if you have written my experiences of the last year too. My Therapist and I are discussing how too much internal self-work right now is really just another coping mechanism for avoiding the inevitable pain of moving forward. I desperately want to work on my problems, but this is indeed hindering any progress with divorce, separation and telling the kids. I am still slowly taking baby steps forward, but it is slow. I have discovered that I can never go back, as I tried that a few months ago, and instant deep depression was the result. For me, even if it is slow, continued movement towards moving on with my life is helping. Feeling stuck is never nice, but it takes a while to shake off the shackles of internalized oppression. Hugs (*hug*)
Well Orman, When progress seems slow, the image of still waters running deep comes to mind and comforts me. There is probably a helluva lot going on deep down that you may only be dimly aware of, or are only now beginning to realize. A year is just 365 days, a complete circuit around the sun, nothing more. Your orbit is just a little further out there... Hang tight!
Everybody comes to these things in their own time. There can be no setting of agendas or timetables (especially ones based on the experiences of others). You have to feel your own way along, and do what's right for you at each moment. It sounds like this has been an important year for you, and much has been accomplished. But it turns out you have more work to do than you thought, and it's harder work than you thought (getting past self-loathing is difficult stuff, and is more a lifelong process than a to-do item). So go easy on yourself. There are no pre-published timelines here...not even norms. But if that takes *too* much pressure off, you could try this. You know when it's time to do something...all the prerequisites have been met, and there's no longer any reason other than "haven't gotten to it yet" and fear. "Haven't gotten to it yet" is tricky...there *are* only so many hours in a day, after all. But you also know, deep down, whether the reason has to do with fear. My advice is simple (but not easy): when you detect fear as a motivator for not doing something, lean into it, and bump that item up in priority. If you do this, then you'll continue forward movement to the greatest extent possible. But don't give short-shrift to those internal prerequisites and accomplishments! They are every bit as critical and valuable as the external ones. And if you need encouragement and strength...we're here! *hugs*
