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Making a mountain out of a molehill

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Bluebird22, Feb 28, 2014.

  1. Bluebird22

    Bluebird22 Guest

    Hey guys,

    I have been wondering lately about the whole coming out process, and would be interested in hearing your thoughts. Specifically I have been thinking about how it seems to me that the longer we wait to come out, and instead sit on our emotions and attractions, the harder and harder it gets to actually do it. So that for example coming out at 18 when your attractions and realisations are still relatively fresh is easier than coming out at 24, which is easier in turn than coming out at 30 and so on and so on.

    In essence, from my perspective it seems as though the longer we wait to come out, the more we end up making a mountain out of a molehill - and the longer we wait the bigger and bigger the mountain grows - until eventually we find ourselves at the foot of a proverbial Mt Everest, when in reality all it needed to be was an easy Sunday stroll in the park. Would you agree?

    Sean.
     
  2. mbanema

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    I definitely agree. The more passes the more difficult it becomes for me to believe it's ever going to happen. I'm completely convinced that it wouldn't be that bad but I still can't get myself to do it. Right now it just looks like this enormous, impossible task when in reality it takes only a single second to say "I'm gay." =/
     
  3. prettylonely

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    my child,
    coming out is like the sand in the hour glass. when you turn over the hour glass a little sand starts to come out......the bottom of the hour glass is empty and it slowly fills up with a little bit of sand. However, as the time passing the little bit of sand in the bottom of the hours glass starts to get bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and the sand at the top of the hour glass starts to get smaller and smaller and smaller. eventually you are left with nothing at the top and everything at the bottom. (no pun intended....lol).

    my child, what i am saying is that your life as a gay male in the closet is very much like the hour glass. when it is turned over the bottom of the hour glass is empty and it starts to fill slowly with a collection of sand. the sand represents your life. so the sooner you come out, the more room you have to discover yourself and have fun and live your life. the bottom of the hour glass is empty so there plenty of room in it. but as you get older, it starts to fill up with sand. there's less room to move around and the sand keeps coming. it becomes hard to live your life. Soon all the sand (life) from the top of the hour glass drains out into the bottom, and before you know it, your life is up/over. as you see now, there are many older men living in regret over how they did or did not use up the sand of their youth. do not be like them.

    this is certainly happen to all of the human beings and creatures living. so decide how you want to live, decide what you will do with your sand. there's only so much we have. whether a lot or a little it will each drain out of the top of the hour glass and fill up the bottom. why wait until the bottom of your hour glass is almost filled to finally decide to live in that little bitty space where in a few moments, the sand from the top will fill that space up, and things will be no more.

    live life my child. live life.
     
    #3 prettylonely, Feb 28, 2014
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2014
  4. Geo58

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    Hey prettylonely that was a beautiful post. I can relate. I am 55 years old and am just now accepting myself as being gay. The overiding thought I have had is that I want to find a boyfriend/partner before my sand runs out. I have had many reasons for not coming out. I have lived a straight life, so to speak, for most of my existance. I secretly have liked guys, had crushes on guys, have even slept with guys, but I want to be with one guy. I want to experience what is like to really care for somebody and be in love.

    This is what is pushing me forward now. I recently joined a gay meetup group and went bowling one night. It was nice to be with a group of guys in a public place and not be self-conscious . I found myself not paying attention to what other people were doing, if they were looking at us or whatever, and was just enjoying being in the company of other gay men. It was great. I felt so at ease at being myself. I also went on a date this past weekend. I had a wonderful afternoon and was not worrying about everyone around us but was just interested in him. It was such a different experience.

    I am far from being totally out but I can see the light that is waiting for me outside of the closet or the remaining sand in the hourglass. One of the thoughts I have had is why I have I waited so long. I have read so many posts on this website in the process of looking for answers to some of my questions. I have also found so much wisdom from some of the youngest people on here. It is amazing.

    My only wish is that I would have started this process earlier in life. For me it seems like the start of a wonderful journey that I just can't wait to take.
     
    #4 Geo58, Feb 28, 2014
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2014
  5. GayDadStr8Marig

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    the pain and struggle I have coming out to my wife now at 41 is many orders of magnitude more difficult than it was to come out to my known homophobic parents when I was 18. not only does this affect my wife and me, but our kids too.
     
  6. prettylonely

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    geo that is awesome! one of the things that i think happens is that when we are younger we feel like we have so much time to sort things out. "oh i'll handle or deal with that later, but for right now i'm young, im in my 20s, i'm in college, i'm doing xyz and this is more important than focusing on my inner/core self and what i want." i have often said that i have life a good part of my life like this is a dress rehearsal, but the reality is, this is a one-time only broadway show so i had better give it all i got. when you get a bit older, i think what has happened (to me atleast) is that you see people that are younger than you in the place that you were in and you think, "gosh, i'm STILL in this place that I was 5, 10, 15 years ago....". it starts to shake you a bit and you realize you had better work with what you have in terms of your age, your looks, your "you" and just get on with things. it's like working your whole life to vacation when you are retired. but when you are retired you're either too tired or sick to uninterested in doing all the vacation stuff you had dreamed of. sounds like you're off to a great start. the one thing that really jumped out to me in your post is that you said, "NOT WORRYING ABOUT EVERYONE AROUND US...NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO WHAT OTHER PEOPLE WERE DOING". that right there is the secret to all of this. you were living your life for yourself and the rest of the peanut gallery round you did not matter. i am striving for this as well. thank you for sharing and giving me hope.
     
  7. Geo58

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    prettylonely you are right. I have been pushing this on the back burner for way too long. There has always been something else taking up my time or I just haven't wanted to deal with it. I have come to realize that life is a gift and we only have so long to enjoy it. I am looking at retiring in less than two years. I have worked hard for forty years, helped my mother take care of my father who suffered from alzehimers for over 5 years. I then had to help take care of my mother who had dementia until I couldn't do it anymore and placed her in a nursing home. I buried both my parents. My sister never really helped out during any of this even though she lived close by. She always lived her life for herself.

    I lost my boss just one year ago this month. He was a nice man who was a self made millionaire and was totally respected by everyone who knew him. He died in an unexpected plane crash on valentines day 2013. As I get older I realize my time is running out. I also realize that this is my time and NOW IS MY TIME. Like you said this is not a dress rehearsal THIS IS IT. THIS IS ALL WE WILL GET.

    You are so right about just using what you have and get on with it. I was always worried about my age, looks, and other things. I had a reality check this weekend about things when the guy I was on a date with called me "cute". I felt like a kid all over again. It was wonderful.

    Lately I read posts from this website as often as I can. I am finding out that admitting I'm gay isn't the end of the world like I thought it would be. It is just the beginning. It is what you make of it.
     
  8. emkorora

    emkorora Guest

    I believe there are many other variables contributing to the difficulty of coming out other than age, but I suspect age is an important factor. Your theory is +1'd by me.
     
  9. Lovetoski

    Lovetoski Guest

    I don't think coming out is easy at any age. I simply believe that waiting to come out has a bit more un-doing. I have to undo my marriage. I had to undo my family and consequently, although not permemantly, my kids lives and beliefs. I have had to undo the perceptions of me by friends, families and colleagues. Undoing causes pain to ourselves AND the ones we love. At 18 you've not invested do much at defining yourself. Less created less lost. But as with all of life, it's never too late.
     
  10. skiff

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    Sean

    It depends what complications you acquire.

    I was gay and closeted and living a happy gay life with a partner, sharing a home till age 28.

    When he left to protect his closet I made a bad choice - marriage to find emotional stability.

    All depends.

    Tom
     
  11. Yossarian

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    We older people were/are in a Catch-22 situation. To have come out when we were 16 would have been disastrous where I lived in 1960; to come out today at 16 would be pretty much a non-event if parents are not psychotically homophobic, in most developed countries. So we waited and watched the sand pile up as the world became less hostile and we figured out who we are, and the entanglements became greater and greater.

    There NEVER was a good time for us to come out; only the reasons it was never a good time to come out changed over the last 50 years. Now most of the sand is on the bottom, and the hourglass cannot be flipped over. We were unlucky. Kids today are luckier. We are here to help them enjoy their lives in the open, and help each other understand what happened, or lick our wounds together for those of us who only realized they missed the boat long after it sailed.