Need advice support:My Future/Single/Marriage of Convenience?

Hi there, and welcome to EC.

You're not the first person to have come to this conclusion - that these were your only options. I understand the cultural influence, the family pressure, the attraction to a certain type of guy, and a certain ethnicity. That's all stuff that many people have to deal with.

I wonder if you've noticed the gap in your logic or thinking. If you're only attracted to masculine men of Indian origin, and you have trouble meeting anyone like that, who is it that you'll be meeting while in your 'open' marriage. It seems to me that you'll have the same problem.

The way I look at it, you're gay and Indian and masculine. And you're in the closet, so nobody can tell that you're gay. Do you really think you're the only one?!? Odds are there are lots of others - only they're thinking the same thing! And some of them might already know you, and assume that you're straight - because you're not out.

As someone who got married to a woman, had kids, and was miserable (and buried my misery in addiction), I certainly wouldn't recommend option 2. Even if you're going into it with your eyes wide open (because I didn't know I was gay going into my marriage - even if there were clues) I don't expect you'll be happy. This site has dozens of people on it who were married for several years and couldn't keep it together until 'death do us part'.

It's one of those things - you can't have your cake and eat it too. Life is full of sacrifices and trade offs.

Perhaps others will have a different opinion. I'd come out and see what happens rather than sign up for a life of lies.

 

I have to agree with Jim wholeheartedly:

I'm one of those guys who went into a heterosexual marriage -- and I knew without any doubt I was gay long before we ever started dating. I had even previously come out to my homophobic family to disastrous effect. After the blowout, I had to choose between living life alone, on my own, with no family support; or I could go along with their expectations, finish college and then start my own career and build my own life away from home.

At the last moment, as I was wrapping up college, I met the woman whom I later married. I did not plan to get into a relationship; I thought I would graduate, move away from home, find a job and live my own gay life however I needed to live. Instead, I found that I really cared for this woman and wondered if it could really work? After long-distance dating for a couple months we spent a week together and became intimate; I regretted that as soon as it happened. I wanted so much to come clean that first time, but due to my work I knew I could have some really serious trouble by coming out at that time and admitting that I was gay. (It's confusing and complicated, even to me; I talk more about my story on my blog, you're welcome to check it out if you're interested.)

Bottom line, I knew going into this relationship I'm gay. I had numerous opportunities over the past 19 years to come clean, each time I got scared and dug deeper into my closet. My wife even found gay porn on our computer while she was home on maternity leave; I subconsciously wanted to get caught, but when confronted with reality I lied, denied it, blamed it on a computer virus. Looking back, I think she suspected me then, and probably after the last time we tried being intimate months after that event and failed in our efforts, it likely confirmed her suspicions, but it's never been talked about since and we've been asexual for 8 years. The point is, after a series of bad events in the past 7 years I'm emotionally exhausted, no longer have the strength to keep my closet from caving in on top of me. I've finally accepted that I have been and always will be a gay man. I've had to face the fact that I love my wife, but no longer the way she deserves only as a dear friend and as the mother of our two beautiful children. I love my kids dearly even when they're being difficult, but I know that I've spent most of their lives pouring myself into work and maintaining my closet so that I haven't been there for them the way they need. They all deserve better. I deserve better for myself. The only way to regain my own sense of integrity is to stop the lies and face the reality of my life. It will be painful for all of us, but we're all already being hurt by the lies and there's no chance of healing while the lies are still cutting away at us. Take away the lies and the healing can begin. I don't know what the future will look like anymore so than anyone else can know; all I do know is that I will not spend the rest of my life in this closet.

No one can tell you what you should do. All we can do is help you see different angles you were not ready to look at on your own. Maybe see things about yourself or your situation you haven't thought about before. The main thing is to realize that coming out is not an event, it is a process; sometimes it moves quickly, sometimes slowly. Once you've acknowledged the reality of being gay to yourself in time you learn acceptance and then embrace it as being as much a part of who you are as anything else.

Hope some of this helps. Look forward to talking to you more.

-Rich

 

I posted on your other thread, but I don't know which one you're following, so I'm reposting here...

First of all, welcome to EC! You've come to the right place... I don't think anyone here is going to berate you. That's not how we roll here.

You don't say where you live, and that could be a big factor in trying to find someone you're attracted to. In a larger city, you've got a much better chance.

So on to the two options you're considering... You identify as gay, so what do you gain from marrying your lesbian friend? I can see that you won't feel so alone and that you'll please your family so long as they don't find out the truth. But you'll still be living a lie. You could have children, but then, what if one or both of you actually finds a same-sex partner you want to be with all the time, in the open? Then what?

Can that work, maybe... But the statistical odds are probably against it. And it won't make it any easier to find a same-sex partner, no matter how you define your relationship with him. Can you live with that basic need unmet? I did for over 50 years, but it still caught up with me and forced me out of the closet.

As for the first, is there a reason you can't explore your sexuality while still not being out to your family, or even your close friends? There are LGBT support and social groups for all ages. You can dip your toes into the water with groups like that.

And I do understand your desire to find someone who shares your culture and background. It doesn't make you a bad person. I also understand why all the gay Indians you've met seem more feminine to you. Your culture isn't accepting of gays, so many of the people who are openly gay have had no choice but to be openly gay, because people think of them as gay. But there are just as many gay men in your culture as in any other. The percentage of gays in every culture is about the same, worldwide. But in less accepting cultures/societies, many who can pass as straight will try to do just that. But sexuality is hard to suppress for a lifetime. There are plenty of masculine gay Indians out there. They may live on the down-low. Many will not be married to a woman--they'll say they've never met the "right" girl, because there really isn't a right girl for them, and there never will be. You just need to find a venue where you can meet some of them.

And you don't need to feel badly that you're attracted to masculine rather than feminine guys. We all have specific attractions, because that's just a part of expressing our sexuality. Lots of straight men and women are attracted to very specific kinds of people, and it's perfectly natural.

I don't know whether this helps. Feel free to post on my wall if you want to talk more...

 

Great post Rich - it was beautifully honest

 

Thank you guys. I dont know what to do but I am going to tell my sister next month and see what she suggests. I hope all goes well.