I've been repressing myself on many different levels most of my life and now i feel empty, like just a shell of a person. Basically all i do is work, i never really go out. I feel like i have nothing to offer if by chance i did happen to meet a woman. I need to start figuring out who i am and what interests me and what i want out of life instead of just going through the motions. Sometimes i don't even feel real. I'm pretty sure all of these negative feelings toward myself are because i don't accept myself for who i am. I am a lesbian and no matter how much i want to deny it, its still who i am. I know this, but still am having a hard time accepting it. I came out to my friend and she was very accepting. It felt great to tell her, but now i feel bad that i told my friend and still can't bring myself to have the conversation with my boyfriend. I feel like I'm just running around in circles and getting nowhere. Sometimes i just want to die because at least then i wouldn't be constantly tormented by my own thoughts. I feel like i wouldn't even be missed really. I feel like there is so much i need to catch up on because i haven't really been living my life. I haven't made any real progress in life because of my depression, but i do think i am starting to make a tiny amount of progress. I am currently in a dead end job that i absolutely hate, but i stay anyway because at least i know what to expect. I think it all comes back to me feeling like I'm a bad person and that i deserve to be unhappy. I have a hard time relaxing and enjoying anything, feel like i have to keep my guard up for fear that people will see what kind of person i really am and that everyone will hate me. I just feel like a sad excuse for a human being. Its not all about my sexuality, but that is part of it.
LostInside. You are not alone. (*hug*) I could have written similar a post a couple of years ago. Parts of it a few months ago. Being true to who you are is not easy. It requires alot of "self-work" and honesty. Being in the closet for so long we have shut down, hidden and temporarily lost parts of ourselves. We have created illusions about ourselves that we came to believe. It was easier than the truth. Being open and vulnerable is scary. It takes time to work thru all that. Take small steps. Do little things for yourself and breathe! (*hug*)
You're not a sad excuse for a human being; you're just as beautiful and wonderful of a person as anyone else could ever want to be. You don't have to keep your guard up; you can be yourself and people will love you even more because they will get to know the real you, that wonderful person inside that's just trying to get out of that shell. Sure there are some really ignorant people out there in the world, but when they say something negative to or about you, just remember it's a reflection on them not you. Of course you would be missed, so get that crap out of your head right now; the only thing dying "fixes" is our chances of being better people tomorrow than we are today. I struggled with this last year, so I understand where you are. You are worthy of love; you are not broken or defective or anything of the sort. You've made progress that you're now conscious of what your mind is doing. Accepting yourself isn't easy, but necessary. We weren't made this way by our own choice; whether it's brain chemistry, or environment, or vitamins during pregnancy or early childhood, or just how God created us, or whatever. The thing is, we can try to deny reality with all our strength but reality doesn't change and in the end we drive ourselves nuts trying to live outside of reality, unable to understand why we feel out of place is because we've taken ourselves out of our reality. And you're definitely better off talking to your boyfriend sooner than later. I've avoided the conversation with my wife for 19 years; it is many orders of magnitude more difficult to face today after 16 years of marriage and two kids than it would have been early on. But it doesn't have to be that way for you; and who knows, it's very possible if the two of you really care about each other you'll still end up being friends anyway, maybe even have a better relationship than you would otherwise. It's definitely not an easy road we're walking, but you're not all alone and when you're feeling beaten down just reach out and we'll support you and listen. -Rich
I have been with my boyfriend for a huge chunk of my life so I've been avoiding it for a long time too. I really do care deeply for him, but it's a friend feeling. I'm working up the courage to talk with him more every day. I only decided to finally try and accept myself maybe two weeks ago so i guess i am making since progress. I don't want to just settle for good enough anymore, i want a life that makes me happy to wake up everyday. Thank you both for your input, i appreciate it.
I feel for you. I am in a similar situation where I have been married for 10 years and with him for 18. I have had all the thoughts of not wanting to live and I'm on antidepressants. I am now seeing a councillor who has made me realise I have a right to be happy. I need to live a life where I am happy not just trying to make everyone else happy. I have been hurt badly by a good friend and by my husband lately. However, I'm stronger than I was and I'm determined to find the right life for me and my children. I don't know what that is yet but I know it's out there. Just like it is for you. It may be difficult but go with your gut feeling. Don't do what I have done and try to live a lie for the sake of others. In the end it won't work. I hope you get the happiness we all deserve. Take care. X
You have described the same things that I am going through. People here do understand you and will be here to support you. :smilewave
Lostinside - as Rose says you are definitely not alone. I can't offer a lot of advice as I'm in a similar place but Rose's advice of "Do little things for yourself and breathe" is huge. I have just started doing this and I can see what a difference it makes, it helps clear the head. I haven't participated here that much but have been reading often and the people here are amazing so stick around. (*hug*)
I can totally relate to this. But I haven't figured out how to move past this point yet. I feel like no woman could possibly love me. On a logical level I get that this isn't actually the case but it's hard. I like the advice of do a little for your self each day! I think that might help both of us. I am a newbie as well and have found everyone to be so supportive. I love it here.
I feel like I'm kinda stuck at this point too. I know what i need to do to have a happy life, but it's just so damn scary. I'm kind of angry at myself for not being able to move past this. I feel like if i come out everything will change. Lose my boyfriend, get my own apartment, family will want to know what happened...people at work will want to know and have questions. It just seems like a lot to deal with all at one time. I'm very unhappy the way it is now so anything has got to be an improvement right? What if i go through all of this to just end up alone? So many conflicting thoughts in my head...
(*hug*)It is scary. I'm about to separate and I'm terrified. My family are asking questions but at the moment all they know is we aren't getting on anymore. They don't need to know everything. You can tell your family what you are ready to tell them. Small steps. I would start with your boyfriend. I'm worried about being alone for the rest of my life too but I read so many positive stories on here, and with computers it is much easier to find someone. My councillor is working on my self confidence which i hope will help. Being shy, bisexual and passive is a tricky mix. However I'm not happy in the life I have so I either stick it out or look for true happiness. You need to take steps you are comfortable with. It is hard but you seem like you know what you want now. That's one step completed. You have told a friend. That's another step. Try not to over burden yourself with everything at once. Keep smiling xxx
I realized lately that small steps are the best steps for me. I'm not strong enough yet to have that talk with my boyfriend or to come out to my parents but I feel I've been making progress on that matter. What I do is to let myself exploring. The last time I went to Prague I visited a gay cafe. Not a big deal some may say but I felt nervous, especially when going alone. It was nice though, I spent some time sitting there, quietly watching and drinking my beer. I felt comfortable and to belong. All these experiences make me stronger. I can't go back because I don't want to go back and I don't want to hide anymore. :icon_bigg
So, i had the talk with my boyfriend. He has known for a long time about my attraction to women, but i don't think he fully understands. When i told him he laughed and said that if i was a lesbian i wouldn't have anything to do with him. I told him i want to try going to a gay bar and explore this side of myself. He said he is ok with that as long as i am careful. I guess he's kind of just in denial about out right now. I feel better now that i brought it out into the open, but I'm also kind of scared because now it's out there. I know i am very attracted to women and i can't deny it anymore. I need to have some experiences though to see if it's what i really want or if it's just some fantasy i have built up in my head all these years about being with a woman. If i have an experience it will help me figure this out.
LostInside, similar happened with my boyfriend. I told him I liked women a few months ago and his reaction was that he's not surprised and found the fact rather amusing. During the years he's seen many times the male side of me so I think that's how he knew. But as in your case he seems not to understand what I was really trying to convey and unfortunately I wasn't ready to bring the conversation any further. If he fully understood or not, still it's amazing you were able to have the talk with him. Congrats.
I think my boyfriend does understand deep down, just not ready to admit it yet. He is being very supportive of me and we are going to stay together until i figure this out for sure. I'm fairly certain that i am lesbian, but i have never been with a woman so i am a slight bit unsure. I have a feeling that if i was with a woman it would feel natural and right. I wouldn't constantly be thinking and trying to convince myself to do it, it would just happen naturally and be real. It will fill the void i have because i don't feel the connection with my boyfriend. The desire is just not there. It's enjoyable, but leaves me wanting more and feeling like something is missing. He said that he accepts and loves me for who i am and everything about me. That felt really comforting to hear. He really is a great guy.
Lostinside, you have been so brave. This is such a positive step. I hope he stands by you while you find yourself, but either way you have done the right thing. Good luck, and keep smiling x (*hug*)
Most of us can relate to you when you say you feel like you have been repressing yourself, most of us are in the same boat. At least we are facing our problems head on. You are not pathetic or wrong, you will find all the answers you need. Especially if you keep reading everyone's stories here and taking their advice to heart. You are beautiful, no matter what, we all are.
