I'm preparing myself to come out to a friend who as of late has been somewhat homophobic. One of the reactions I expect out of him is pity. When his mother found out her brother was gay her reaction was pity. She got upset and exclaimed how sorry she was. She couldn't understand why her brother got pissed at her. I anticipate him exclaiming "that sucks" or something along those lines. Has anyone experience a reaction like this? I want to stand strong but I am afraid I'll get pissed and loose my cool so I'd like to be prepared.
For me the two extremes of reaction have been: "you're going to hell if you choose this lifestyle" -- thanks mom & dad when I'm 18. ...revert to closet for 23 years, get married have kids, come to terms with myself, start coming out again... "<shrugs> ok, what do you want to do about it" -- friends when I'm 41. So pity, no. And yeah it would piss me off. I don't need pity, there's nothing to be sorry about. It would be like someone saying their baby was a boy and you replied "oh, I'm sorry"... really, who does that? stepping back a moment, though, what is driving your need to come out to this friend?
If the pity were coming from a place of sympathy about the potential difficulty in living as an authentic gay person in a hetero-normative society, I'd take it as an opportunity for discussion about a whole host of issues. But if the pity comes from judgement about "living in sin" or spending eternity in hell, or simply the "ick" factor, I might try to have a conversation about it. If he's one of those "head in the sand, ain't gonna consider any other viewpoint" kind of guys, I guess I'd look for a different friend. (*hug*)
I have not experienced a reaction of pity. I don't think I would react positively to pity, its sympathy with judgement added to the mix. Have you thought about how you would respond to this kind of reaction?
Hey CF, Expressions of pity would suck...of course, you can always express reciprocal pity for his narrow view and the set of life circumstances that has led to it. But my best advice for you is just to make sure this isn't one of the very first people you come out to. Your best course would be to start with the group of people you *most trust* and think are *most likely* to have a good reaction. The fact is that a negative reaction, regardless of how expected it is or how mild, is just plain discouraging and draining...and that can make the next outing all the more difficult, even if that next person is likely to be supportive. But if you already have a solid support network (in real life) of people to whom you are already out, then when something not entirely positive comes along, you have people you can talk to for support, to vent, or whatever. I don't know where you are in this process...maybe you've already got a bunch of supporters and feel comfortable moving to some less positive possibilities. But I just wanted to throw this out there so you could consider it. Good luck, however you go about it!
I've experienced pity but not from being gay. The pity I get is from being disabled and it makes me mad. It's as if the person assumes you can't do anything for yourself or that your life is constant misery. My life is what it is. I have it better than some and worse than others. It would anger me if someone pitied me for being gay as well. I do what I can with what I have.
