Hi everyone, i'm new on here so please be gentle with me Apologies if this is long, i'll try to keep it as brief as i can but give as much info as poss i'm female, trying to figure out if my boyfriend could possibly be gay/bi, and whether or not i should ask him. it's consuming my thoughts all day everyday and i just need some advice we've been together 9 years, and for the last 2 years i've had a sneaking feeling he might be into guys more than girls, but i have no idea what originally sparked this feeling in the first place! but now, the more i think about it, and think back over our whole relationship, it all adds up, but then again i could be way off and completely wrong ok, as lovely as he is, i've always felt like he was only with me because he just wanted a girlfriend, just to say he has one, not because he actually wants ME or likes the person I am. and his ex apparently used to say the same thing. I've always felt like i irritate the absolute hell out of him, whatever i do from the very beginning, apart from our first 2 dates, he ALWAYS brought a male friend along when we went out, at one point i actually felt like i was dating both him and his best friend because it was always the 3 of us, even when i thought we were having a nice romantic evening out, he'd bring his friend too, not always the same friend, just ANY friend, it was like he didnt want to be alone with me. then BECAUSE we were out with one of his friends, if i tried to kiss him or be affectionate, he'd pull away and be like "not in front of blabla, its a bit awkward because he's on his own"....maybe next time dont bring him then??? lol failing that, if friends werent available, he'd invite my parents instead, which was very sweet of him, but it also meant no flirting or inappropriate behaviour! another thing he was good at was taking me with him on a night out with all his other friends, not introducing me to ANYONE, he'd leave me standing at the bar on my own and he'd literally disappear for the whole night, leaving me to try to make friends with strangers, then he'd finally turn up at the end of the night when it was time to go home, it was like he wanted me there with him to walk in with and go home with, but apart from that he didnt need me or actually enjoy my company ... a friend of mine said i sounded like a "trophy girlfriend"... not sure i have the looks to be classed as one of those but i can see what she meant lol he once called me by his best friends name when we were being intimate, but he was sooooo drunk, and we'd been out with him that night so i didnt really think much of it at the time he also used to make a big deal of setting this best friend up with my best friend, so the 4 of us could go out together, but when my friend and his friend actually started getting along and meeting up without us, my boyfriend got really stroppy and p*ssed off about it then 6 years ago, he met a new best friend, lets call him "frank", and everything changed. when my boyf first met frank, he thought he was gay, he then soon realised that frank was straight as although he had a long term serious girlfriend, he went after anything in a skirt. my boyf and frank became bestest buds very quickly, all my boyf would talk about was frank this, frank that, franks so funny, i thought it was cute because i have friends that i have clicked with straight away, so just thought this was the same. but my boyf changed so much in just a few months, and has never really been the same person to me since. He always used to be such a sweetie, and gentle, which is what i loved about him, he suddenly felt like a stranger to me, he was incredibly cocky, and rude to me, would fly off the handle over the tiniest thing, he was also suddenly became a very very angry person, he'd try to start fights with bouncers, bus drivers (in the middle of the road in rush hour!!) or anyone who p*ssed him off (until then he'd NEVER been in a fight in his life bless him) he always used to tell frank to leave his long term girlfriend, just because they were having problems, baring in mind he'd never even met her, and had only known frank a few months i thought it was a bit harsh and not really his place to say, and even though my boyf was always saying what a crazy b*tch and nutter franks girlfriend was, he used to get really stroppy if frank chatted up other girls on a night out. (my boyf cheated on me with some girl during this time by the way so you cant say its because he didnt agree with cheating lol) when my boyf is with frank, they are very touchy feely with each other, and he can be really weird with me, for example i could be talking to him and he'd just cut me off and go talk to someone else, or he'll make funny/nasty remarks about me to get a laugh from his mates my boyf is obsessed with going on holiday with frank, i'm good friends with frank's girlfriend now, and if we try to arrange a group holiday together, or group day out, my boyf would rather go with frank instead of me if we cant all do the same dates, in fact he'd bend over backwards to go with frank instead of me when we did go away for a week a few years ago as a group, i had the worst holiday ever, my boyf was basically a total a**hole towards me the whole time, he wouldnt speak to me, if he did he was either snapping at me, or mugging me off in front of everyone to make me look stupid (by the way i'm not overly sensitive and can have a good laugh at my own expense, but this was just down right nasty/bitchy!!) he didnt have sex with me once the whole time we were away, when i did try to initiate things in bed one night he pushed me away and said "what the f*** are you doing??" i just said "sorry i just wanted a cuddle" and i started to cry, but he was really cold told me to shut up and stop crying....nice! lol since then he is still best friends with frank, but over the years i've noticed he's had some quite intense new friendships with guys usually at least a couple of years younger than him, but it'll go from being bestest buds in the whole world, then fizzle out and not see them much, one guy he became friends with, i once caught a weird moment between them, it was almost like some sort of sexual tension, they'd stopped talking but carried on just looking at each other with strange smiles on their faces we were at my best friends wedding, and my boyf had too much to drink and kind of latched onto this other guy who was there with his girlfriend who we'd never met before, and my boyf kept saying to me "what the f*cks he doing with her, he could do way better , look at the state of her" then he'd keep trying to get this guy away from his girlfriend buy buying him drinks and shots at the bar, and was being very full-on and up-close, in his face, saying how much of a good bloke he is and asking him to meet up for a drink sometime, then just as we were waiting for a cab home from the wedding, my boyf suddenly switched on me and was the biggest a**hole ever, calling me every name under the sun, saying anything he could to hurt me and make me cry, it was awful, i was so shocked cos i've no idea where all that hate and anger came from! there seems to be a bit of a trend with weddings, we'll be the perfect couple on the surface, but as soon as we leave he turns nasty towards me and wants to make an argument out of nothing ok down to the personal stuff, we are now basically in a sexless relationship, we've had sex once maybe twice a year, for the last 4 years? which he always blames me for. the sex has always been very mechanical and quite awkward, no passion, in the early days, we'd be laying in bed together, and instead of getting touchy feely and kissing me to get things started, he'd just sort of huff and puff and tut like he was bothered by something, i'd say "whats wrong" and he'd put on this whiney voice and say "ohh, i want a bj".....as if it was a bad thing?? or if he started touching me, he'd face away from me and reach he hand back, if that makes sense? so there wasnt much closeness between us. He just never seems to get that into it, i used to be very sexual at the beginning of the relationship, but he used to make my feel like a nympho if i wanted it too often, and he'd make me feel like a dirty slag if i got too much into it and enjoyed it, making me feel stupid and self consious. he doesnt really kiss me when we sleep together. he always says i should be the one to initiate things, but there have been quite a few times when he has turned me down in a nasty way, or he'l say something like "i take it you want a f*ck then?" or his idea of initiating things is either "lets f*ck" and then wonders why im not turned on instantly, so then we do have sex and it hurts me, or, he puts on a cute baby voice! eeek! (massive turn off but i dont want to hurt his feelings) its almost like he feels so awkward about the whole thing, he cant just accept we are mature consenting adults, and sex and seduction is a good thing and nothing to be embarrassed about. and one last thing about sex, he very rarely ...erm...finishes, sometimes he'll go off to the bathroom to finish himself off...not sure if thats relevant or not? ok a few points that might be of some relevance or not.. he's always made a MASSIVE deal, like over the top, about women on TV/ in magazines etc, like sometimes it sounds like he's trying too hard to prove he likes women, but if i happen to say one particular celebrity male is attractive he sulks he finds it easier to become friends with girls rather than guys his older brother and sister are gay, i KNOW that DOESNT mean he definitely is gay too, but it could be why he doesnt want to come out, because his parents weren't ok with it for a long time, and even now his bro and sis's relationship with his parents is slightly rocky, and he is a real mummies boy, and it would kill him if his mum didnt think he was anything but perfect. he once had a best friend from school, who was around we first started dating and he use to talk about all the time, but he suddenly disappeared and they lost contact, i asked what happened and he said "dont know but i reckon he's gay"....... this baffled me because, i would've thought if you have a gay bro and sis, and your best childhood friend was struggling with their sexuality, wouldnt you reach out to them and be there for them?? to this day he has no interest in contacting him on a night out with frank, my boyf was drunk in the taxi home and was laying on frank kissing him up and down his arm saying how much he loved him. when frank then told us about it a few weeks later, my boyf looked light a rabbit caught in the headlights, the look on his face was panic/busted i dont know, our relationship's basically dead, we keep talking about splitting up but can never do it, we're not that close anymore, but he is still my best friend, and i want to see him happy, he's still like family to me if he is gay, i want him to know that i will always be here for him, and i'll even stay with him as his girlfriend until he's ready to come out, but i cant keep living in limbo, but dont know if i should ask him or not, or how i should go about it thank you to anyone who's got to the end of this, i know it was long and i really appreciate anyone taking the time to read it! (*hug*)thank you
I don't know about him but this is not a healthy relationship, regardless. You deserve to be with someone who doesn't shame you for wanting a normal sexual relationship between consenting adults, as you put it. You deserve a better match for you.
I'm gonna have to agree with hopefloats. Ending the relationship, even though its hard, is the right thing to do. Even if you didn't think he was gay, it clearly seems like you two don't work romantically as a couple. You definitely deserve someone who will reciprocate your feelings more.
I agree, even if he's not gay this isn't a healthy relationship. You should break up, you deserve better. Making you feel bad just because you're enjoying sex with someone you're in a relationship with is just a terrible thing to do.
Hey guys and girls Thank you so much for your kind words and taking the time to reply Just reading that back I've realised i made him sound like a monster! Lol he's not all bad honestly, i was just trying to point out the things that made me wonder. But i agree with you, its not a healthy relationship, we do have times when we are on our own just chilling watching the tv and we have a real laugh together, but we are just more like friends than lovers/partners. What's weird is as much as he's the one who definitely wears the trousers, he always looks to me to look after him, maybe its just a mother figure he's looking for. I guess the reason I've held on so long is i figured if he isn't straight, whatever his orientation, i could help him Who knows, i guess only time will tell! But for now i just need to focus on breaking things off without hurting him Thanks guys, big hugs to you all (*hug*)
Me again! One last thing, one of the points i was getting at but didn't really come across well, was i wondered if his anger towards me was repressed feelings?
I'm writing this assuming that he's gay and I think I know how he feels as straight people don't usually have this kind of identity problem. I used to lash out occasionally at others simply because I was so frustrated with myself being different and wondered why I couldn't like girls and do things like other "normal" guys. So, I put up a front to show that I'm normal like others. However, to maintain this facade and dishonesty takes a lot of effort and drains away your energy, and as a result, I blew my top every now and then. I hope you can understand this. In any event, I think he would be grateful if you, being his best friend, could be there for him and stand by him once he decides to come to terms with his own orientation. It's never good for anyone to have a sinking ship feeling when they're confused and don't know what to do. As an aside, I found an article (see the link below) about the issues of emotional abuse of "gay wives" in China, which I wasn't aware of until I stumbled upon it and read it. It may be relevant to what we are discussing here, despite our cultural differences. Chinese "gay wives" suffer emotional abuse: survey
I agree with the posters above that it isn't a healthy relationship regardless of whether he is gay or not. It's possible the anger could be coming from something he is struggling with whether it be his orientation or something totally unrelated, while I was questioning I found myself lashing out (verbally). It took me a little time but I realized and I was doing it and tried hard to stop, I had to find a different way to deal with everything spinning in my head. The people around me did not deserve it.
Awww, I sympathise with you. You definitely deserve someone who is going to treat you right. Hm... I honestly think you should confront him about your feelings and see what he says, I know you don't want to alienate him or make him feel uncomfortable but maybe you should just try and ask him if he is attracted to men and see what he says. Yes, I agree with you aswell, his anger could very well be his repressed feelings. Good luck with it all, you sound like a nice person that will be there for him, even if he tells you that he has been gay all along.
As someone who primarily grew up around boys and who has a lot of guy friends, as well as being one myself, I'd like to think that I know what nice boyfriend sounds like. And unfortunately yours doesn't fit the description of even a nice friend at all. To me, he sounds as if he doesn't respect you (and honestly, what kind of jerk leaves a girl hanging in a bar? I don't know, not only is that dangerous, but its also just plain wrong if he was the one who brought you there in the first place). He honestly might be bisexual (right now, from your description, there seems to be a very good chance of that) though I'm not completely sure if he's a hundred percent gay. You really should ask him and if he gets angry then try to explain why you think that to him. I don't want to seem like I know anything about your relationship to him or what's going on completely, but I honestly don't think your relationship with him is healthy. It's probably better if you two go your separate ways. Or, if not that, you might want to tell him how you feel about the way he treats you and tell him that he has no right to do or say the things he's been doing and saying to you.
Wow! That's been a rough several years but you see where this is going and are smart enough to question the whole thing. I might liken it to my attitude as a lesbian being married to straight guys, twice. I loved the emotional aspect of being in a relationship but the sex thing just wasn't there for me and the longer the relationship lasted the less I could stand it (to the point where my first husband cheated on me-a fact that took me a long time to process...). With my second husband, I should have known, but I was stuck in a fundamentalist Christian attitude at the time and, well, some of you might know the hatred we LGBT folk have of ourselves in that state of mind. It certainly seems that he is not heterosexual but maybe he does fear the family reaction. When I came out, a cousin, a niece, and my own son had already come out and I felt like maybe they thought I was riding on that trend to get a reaction. No, absolutely not. I don't suggest a confrontation with him but a gentle and deep conversation about what his sexuality means to him. I'm not quite sure how you'd go about that but this situation demands an explanation at some point. Soon. Good luck!
He's gay. Your boyfriend is gay. Obviously, I can't actually know for sure. But he's gay. The way you describe how he acts around other men is the key. I am familiar with the roller coaster type emotions he is feeling with other guys. The way you describe his friendships and interactions with friends and strangers is so familiar to me. He is crushing on, falling in live with, being disappointed by, and having his heart broken by all these guys you describe. His head is racing with dreams of what it would be like to be with these guys, to have sex with these guys, to be deep friends with these guys.... When he lashes out on you, it is a reflection of his disappointment. Like I said, I obviously don't know anything for sure. But your stories are all too familiar to me. I hope you can keep him as your best friend, but please try to break away from the boyfriend-girlfriend relationship and find somebody who will crush on and love you properly.
Nothing new or insightful to add.... BUT I did want to say that are being massively kind and understanding with this dude. I kind of feel like you deserve some sort of award- you are a saint Move on with confidence, and don't let any other dudes treat you like this. Or anything close to this.
Hi, welcome to EC, sounds like the suspicions have been growing, maybe there is one thing that he has said or done recently where you have thought umm, have I missed something and then you look back on their actions. This last bit sealed it for me, as I have had a similar experience where a big deal was made out of a female TV personality, it just seemed out of place and it wasn't until 4 years later that something else happened which made me look back. The catch, if someone can't admit that they could be gay, then I guess they aren't gay. Sounds like you are ready to move on, and you are best to tell them that it isn't working. You could bring up the gay part and ask have you ever thought they could be gay, but be ready for them to throw something at you or worse ignore you. So not sure how connected your lives are, and if there is things you do together I guess you need to start changing your routine. Being able to put things down in words and get others opinions you know in yourself that you aren't going mad.
