Help - 39 with kids and coming out

I am not about to tell you that it's no big deal. This is a big step in your life, especially because of the circumstances. Just remember, don't feel ashamed one little bit. You're just being yourself and honest. They will all still love you no matter what. It may take a long, long time for some of them to accept it, but in the end you'll be free to be the real you. That will be such a rewarding feeling. Don't take it out on yourself too much. You're only human and everyone discovers themselves at different stages in life. You'll get through it. I promise. Just be prepared for a LOT of emotions to come piling out.

 

Hi Justin,

Pretty similar story to yours. 43 married 23 years with 2 kids. Told my wife in November, we were 2 weeks from filing for divorce and decided to try to see of we can make it work. I dont know if we can, but need to try for thesake of our history and kids.

You have come to the right place, you will get alot of support and advice here from guys and girls in similar positions.

 

wow, I am so much in the same boat as you and have been struggling with how to come out for so long. I am a people pleaser and conflict avoider, so I got a double dose of it keeping me securely locked away, beating my head on the door. so many times I wanted to just let the words cone out, and then I the fear of rejection overriding all rational thought.

crazy part for my situation is there are so many signs over the past 19 years together, and so many things we been through, it seems impossible for it to be a completely unexpected thing when I do come out. shocking and upsetting, absolutely, but it should not possibly be clear out of left field either.

just wanted to let you know you are definitely not the only guy in this situation, not the only guy struggling with fear of coming out to wife, fear of what happens to our families and kids.

so, do you have a plan in mind of what you want to do about bringing this up? my mind has run through scenarios so many times I don't know which end of a paper bag open any longer. I have gone to the point of emotional paralysis over coming out, and yet at the same time I've never felt better about myself and accepting of my homosexuality ac I an right now.

I hope your conversation goes well. I will be drawing on your strength virtually at some point, I just hope I can get this out sooner than later.

-Rich

 

It will be difficult at first. I would advise you to keep the communication going with her. The mistake i made was to push her away to the point where it became very awkward and tense for the past 4 months. If i could do it over i would of let her have more of a say in how it played out.

 

This is a very brave and honest thing you are doing. You are going to turn the world upside down, so be prepared for the worst and hope for the best. Having just come out in early January, it's been a roller coaster. My wife immediately went to the position that we'd divorce. We told the kids everything weeks after in a family meeting. They're handling it better than we are in some ways.
There are others, however, that have had suprisingly supportive wives on this site, and I do hope you here from them.

Get yourself a gay friendly therapist. Although you said you have a life coach, right? I'm not familiar with how that all works. I'd also see about picking up a copy of "Loving Someone Gay" by Don Clark. It's been very helpful.

When you're ready check out some social group or activity within the gay activity, so you expose yourself to others apart from the bar scene. Bars are great, but not terribly well rounded. You'll need to find friends that are going to support you through the process of coming out. If you're religious, a gay friendly church or temple is a blessing, or so I've found.

We're here for you. You are definitely not alone. The people are great here. Venture out to some of the more frivolous forums as well. It's fun to talk, laugh, and cry with those who are younger. There is a depth of wisdom coming from some of the younger people.

Be kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself or feel guilty. You are doing an honorable thing. It just isn't a lot of fun to go through, though many times the honorable thing to do isn't. No struggle worthwhile is ever pleasent, but it's rewards are great.

Give a holler if need someone with which to talk.

Tim :welcome:

 

Justin, I had The Conversation last night with my wife. It was at the same time difficult to get started and extremely calming once I got the words "I'm gay" out of my mouth. I no longer have to hide who I am. Of course she feels betrayed a.nd hurt. Angry that I took 19 years of her life. Not able to understand why I got involved with her when I knew I was gay, why I agreed to have kids. Why I waited so long.

We will divorce once we sort out our financial situation and figure out housing. We are not telling the kids right now. I don't know if I will come out to the kids anytime soon, they're 8 and 10. I will give this some time and talk to my wife and counselor about it before deciding either way. Eventually they have a right to know. I just don't want them to have problems at school. And we have to figure out how to keep them in their sports programs, if we can still afford it.

It is just the beginning of a log road for us. Hope your conversation with your wife goes as well as something like this can.

-Rich

 

Justin,

So many of us here have been through, and are in the midst of going through, precisely what you're facing. It's scary and painful, and when you let yourself think about telling your wife, your heart may skip a beat, and you may feel like your heart has just dropped to your stomach. I know. I came out to my wife 6 weeks ago, and we had a long, very emotional talk. I cried as I've never cried before, with so many emotions--sorrow for the pain I'd caused over the years, regret for the years spent in the closet, empathy for what my wife was feeling, even happiness to finally live in the open, in the light.

I echo a comment above about finding a good gay-friendly therapist. In CT, you can't live far from good support networks, and I think it will help you a lot to seek them out when you feel your own circumstances permit.

Please, do stick around EC and tell us as much of your story as you want. You'll find so many caring people who'll share their stories with you, and the collective wisdom and support here will help carry you through the days ahead.

We're here for you. You can talk to us through threads or on our walls. We're listening, and we care.

(*hug*)

/Ed.

 

Best of luck to you, Justin....I told my wife 6 months ago and although very little has changed in our day-to-day lives at this point, the difference in how I look at myself, and the difference in how you will see your life, is amazing. It won't be easy, but you will feel a freedom that you have never felt in your life up till this point. Good for you for getting help in advance, too. My approach to pretty much everything in life has always been to dive into the deep end and then think about swimming lessons, so I did this all basically by myself, and it's worked out, but sometimes I wish I'd had the sense to talk to someone first! You're doing this the right way. Good luck.

 

Justin,

Like Rich, John, and Ed... I just told my wife too. Two weeks for me. You'll find tons of support on here for every stage of this transition in your life. Best of luck to you!

 

Justin,

Congratulations! You've for sure got some tough days ahead of you, but the toughest one is behind you.
(*hug*)

 

Justin, it's a process. It's a hard long process and I wish you the best. The best advice I received was remember that each person you tell has to process it in their own way and time. The first step was the hardest. Good luck friend. We have all been there.

 

Justin, I am really very happy that your coming out was received in such a supportive way by your wife. I'm sure there will be ups and downs along the way, but these early days really make a difference. My coming out was at the other end of the spectrum of support. There is none. As far as she is concerned its as if we were never really married and I took 19 years of her life. Understandable from her anger and hurt, but like I learned so long ago in this relationship it really never mastered what I felt about much of anything.