I need some thoughts on telling my teenage children about my relationship. Its complicated, i guess it always is. I am finding it hard to know when to tell them. They have both had their own issues to deal with of late, and i feel its selfish to give them more to deal with. It seems there is one problem after another and i fear there will never be a good time to tell them. They both have healthy attitudes to the LGBTI community, i raised them that way, and they have the advantage of attending a school that encourages acceptance. They both have friends of varying orientations, and they see this is a normal part of life. About two months ago one of my children confided in me that they think they may be bisexual as they had noticed an attraction romantically to both sexes. I reassured them that this was perfectly ok, and i would support them no matter what. I also used it as an opportunity to explain that i was at times attracted to members of my own sex too. This was a really positive interaction, and i left it at that as i wanted to focus on my child. A few nights later my other child was talking about gay marriage, very much in the media at the time. I again used this as an opportunity to explain i was bisexual. The reaction was quite different, there was no acknowledgement of my statement and my child left the room not angry or upset, but apparently completely denying that i had spoken those words. I chose not to raise it again as i thought maybe some time was needed to digest what i had said. But i believe that my child has chosen to block out the conversation. That brings me to now. My gf has been wonderfully supportive of the fact i have not been ready to go public with my orientation or our relationship. But this does not mean it is not causing her hurt at times. It makes social occasions hard. It means those who know have to watch their words, mostly her friends. I know you cannot make this decision for someone else, but you can see the problem. On the other hand protecting her is one of the main reasons i have not told everyone particularly my family yet. She says she is strong enough to deal with what comes, and has faced homophobia before, but i love her. I don't want to be the cause of her having problems or being upset. I believe that my younger child will adjust to this, but the elder one i believe will not do well at all. So is it fair to tell one and not the other? Should they be told individually or at the same time? How exactly can i tell them that someone they believe to be a very close friend is more, and is it unfair to put this pressure on them while they are dealing with their own problems? I know i have thrown a stack of questions out here, but i need to start coming up with at least a plan, or a strategy for when i do raise this subject. Any advice or insight would be much appreciated
Hi I wrote this on another thread, and it applies here: I have since learned that you must give them the right to not hear anymore if they don't want to. So ask frequently if they are OK with discussing it now. Also realize that it is a process, a single announcement will probably not be enough, there is so much to say and it gets difficult to take it all in. So be prepared to answer questions that may arise at any moment, in the car, shopping, etc.
This will be seen as another 'problem' for them to face only if you present it that way. From what you've said, they are already in an environment where being gay or bi is accepted. Sure, having their mom be bi is another thing, but it will be more of a surprise and something to adjust to rather than a real problem. I would definitely tell them at the same time, in person. You might as well tell them at the same time that you're dating this person they thought was only a friend. You'll have to explain at the time why this has been a secret from them - I guess. Or don't. But as GW said, you need to be positive about this - be OK with it yourself. I would also agree that the kids need to know that this isn't a secret that they need to keep - but they are also entitled to their own privacy and aren't required to tell their friends at school. It would be up to them. I'd get it over with if I were you. I told my kids when they were 6 and 8, which was a little young, but I'd already been separated from their mother for a couple of years and was dating my husband already - and hated having to keep them segregated from a part of my life that I was finally accepting and enjoying. And it went fine! My kids are now almost 11 and 13 and they are 'out' at school, and it hasn't been an issue for them at all. They love my husband and their step siblings. I think of us as a 'new age Brady Bunch' - and it is working out just fine. Good luck!
Azure, two things... First: thank you. I am certain, now, that telling my kids I am gay must happen when we tell them of the divorce. Second: telling one and not the other should not be an option. They will talk and look for reassurance together, and the child you didn't tell will see it as a betrayal. Kids adjust. They adapt. They will be fine whatever plan you enact. Best.
Could it be simply because your kid is embarrassed to discuss sex? I must admit I would feel very embarrassed if my parents started discussing this and would want to avoid such conversations. The problem may be escalated by the fact that he is questioning his sexuality also and may not want to expand upon his feelings, therefore avoid any related conversations. You could ask him if you feel its right. He is your child so only you can decide the correct judgement, but if you talk it over with your partner and give it some time then it may help your decision.
I came out to my kids this week just a day after telling my wife. They are all adults now so it is different from your situation, but it was still very difficult to tell them. The family dynamics they knew and saw into the future was torn a part. All were very supported and sweet to me. I felt my youngest daughter was upset the most just by the way she paused between saying all the "right" things. She is the most sensitive (she got that trait from me). My son who is the youngest is gay. He was a little quieter, I make up because he is very close to his mother. After I told him he then said he had something to tell me. For the first time in his life he opened up and talked about his struggles around dating, intimacy, and porn addiction. I am now ably to be honest and open with them.
