Hello all, I stopped denying that I was gay about three months ago. This led to a bit of anxiety crisis over the Christmas period where I was utterly sleepless, on edge pacing all the time and constantly, constantly going to the gym to work it off for a period of about three weeks in a row. Off my food, feeling nauseated, sometimes vomiting. After Christmas, I met a guy whom I had been seeing up until a week or two ago. He called it all off quite suddenly, which I posted about in another section and got a couple of helpful and sympathetic responses to. I'm starting to feel now (with my rational head starting to win the fight over my emotions) that he actually treated me like a piece of shit, whether he meant to or not. The link is here: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/family-friends-relationships/126826-first-guy.html Basically, this guy was the only person I had been totally honest with, having been in the closet all my life. I'm 27. I was so upset I had to talk to someone and it was obvious when I was visiting my parents that I was worried about something again. Basically him getting cold feet acted as a catalyst to me coming out to my family and a couple of friends, but I feel like I'm back to square one all over again. I'm so lonely in Edinburgh. I moved here in August and I have made zero friends. I think the loneliness was what forced me to come out to myself in the first place. New job, less contact with people and the added strain of little social life. I guess I'm looking for reassurance from people who've been through something similar. I feel like I've wasted all of my youth making myself miserable by denying who I was and just when I thought it was all getting better, its all fucked up again... All these teenage emotions I never let out. Probably what scared him off to start with. I just dont know how I'm going to move forward from here... Cheers.
hey edin, I'm 26, came out only last year. I ve had one relationship with a man (ldr), he was basically the reason for me to come out to myself and to my family and friends. That was he first time I actually loved someone. I struggeled a lot during the last year, and I'm still struggeling with some stuff. I don't have any gay friends, I feel lonely. I really wana go to some gay clubs/bars/centers but going there alone...idk I' ve had a lot of struggels to cope with my past, to deal with regrets, to deal with the thought of having wasted my teenage years/my youth. I'm still not entirely over it, but at one point we have to stop living in the past and look ahead (me and others keep telling me). I basically spent the last year crying, sometimes without even knowing why (before that I didnt ever really cry). so, we're pretty much in the same situation. I guess at one point we'll have to just get off our asses and try to meet new people, gay people, gay friends. that's true for me at least
Hi Edingay - you are only 27 my friend - dont fret about your teenage years - they arent the best time of many people's lives in any case. The 20s and 30s are much better I think. Its difficult for anyone - gay or straight - moving to a new town, making new friends, adapting to a new job - that is a helluva lot of change all at one go. Maybe you did scare that guy away...but what the hey. Would some counselling help you think? -someone you can talk on a regular basis? I think you have a lot going for you - you live in a fantastic city (would love to live there myself), have a job and sound like a really nice guy too.
Hi there! I'm 33 and I just completely came out last year with a couple of trusted friends. And like you, I fell head over heels with someone (making me to decide it's about time to tell my friends) who then dumps me a little short while. And just like you I feel like I was treated like SHIT, and intentional or unintentional it is devastating. Right now, I'm still trying to DIGEST what happened as ALL of this SHIT just recently happened. And as of now, I still feel LOST and honestly, I still do not know what I will do but HELL yeah, I will try to be the BEST VERSION of ME everyday without HER. (I think I sound bitter???)
EdinGay, the hardest person to come out to is yourself, and I too wrestled with the knowledge that I was/am gay for many years until it became too much. I found myself in a bit of a crisis after suppressing my feelings for a very long time. I can't say it was plain sailing after I came out either, as there were failed dates and relationships, but I did learn something each time and I think that's really important as it helps you to understand what you are looking for. When you are playing the dating game you do have to be a little prepared for separating the 'wheat from the chaff'! When you first come out it can feel quite lonely and daunting, unless you are fortunate enough to already have a close circle of gay friends to help and support you as you take those 'baby steps'. You do need those friends to bounce your thoughts and feelings, highs and lows off. Sometimes, it's difficult for straight friends to fully understand. I used forums and message boards like this as a substitute, but actually found support and some great, long term friends who really helped me a lot... I wasn't expecting that at all. Admittedly, few of them lived close enough to meet up for coffee, but through e-mail and eventually telephone contact it was possible to build up a good rapport and I've now met some of them in real time. Try not to be too despondent - it's only a couple of months since you took a really big step. It's a bit of a journey.
you may feel like you're back at step one but in reality you've taken the biggest step you'll ever take, out of that closet. you have a right to experience the teenage emotions you weren't able to before. a guy worth you time will understand that. you still have many years to enjoy this new life path,to live true to yourself.
Hi EdinGay, I'm so sorry you're struggling right now. I too live in Edinburgh, and initially also felt very lonely. It does get better though, and I absolutely love it here. Can I suggest you make contact with the LGBT Centre for Health and Wellbeing? Their website is LGBT Centre for Health and Wellbeing | LGBT Healthy Living Centre, Edinburgh. They offer a lot of support, and put on various events, as well as signposting local lgbt groups. It might be a good way for you to meet more gay people, as well as help with coming to terms with sexuality and coming out etc. I have made contact with them myself, and the contact I have had has been helpful. Best wishes, Purplefrog
Hello all, I'm grateful for all of your kind replies. It means a lot to me. Thank you! I've messaged this guy a few times since my last post and he seems strangely sympathetic and he talks as though he's martyring himself, for whatever reason. Whether or not thats a cunning ploy to try and make me feel better, I don't know... But it doesn't! It just helps me cling on to the crumbling ledge. We agreed we could meet for coffee this week but I haven't messaged him. I think a period of no contact will be the best thing for me, as much as I hate the thought of not seeing him again. I've started seeing a counsellor with Gay Men's Health Scotland. I'll be going every week, so hopefully this will help. Thanks for the link Purplefrog, I'll check it out. Still not feeling much more positive and it's taking a toll on my job, but I'm trying hard and hopefully I'll get there eventually. Thank you all so much!
Hi - I am sure you will get there eventually. As for your job - do you have a sympathetic manager? Could he or she take a bit of work pressure off you for a while? Dont expect to much of yourself - do your job but maybe don't berate yourself if you think you could be doing it better than you are.
Hi there EdinGay! I certainly feel you. I myself is struggling with the person I love so much. I invested too much time and effort and yet she dismissed everything we had in just a blink of an eye. We used to be so in love and all of a sudden BOOM, just like that! No explanations, nothing but just the mere fact that she keeps on pushing me away. I believe that having no communication and not seeing the person will help you move on and carry on with your life. That's what I'm trying to do as well, because everything has affected my life (my health - nearly kill myself twice for her, my social life and my work) and I know in time it will surely help us get through the pain we have to bear each day. We just have to think that there are still a lot of people who loves us and that one day we will be able to find that person who would stick around for us no matter what. That's one thing I'm trying to hold on to. Let's not lose hope. EC peeps are here to help as well. Keep on moving on and we will get there eventually.
Thank you again guys, still having my up and down days but the trend seems to be an upward one! Going on a few "dates", hopefully I'll find someone eventually!
Your 20's are for making mistakes. Your moving forward which now seems slow but you have made a great start. I came out at 45. Starting everything over as a single gay Mom. It's lonely but I like myself much better (being out ) and know it will take time to adjust to my new life.
