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Ugh! I need....

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by MAXWELL45, Mar 9, 2014.

  1. MAXWELL45

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    *** Caution *** Okay, I am not a pervert or some sexually twisted person, but I am also not one for beating around the bush about an issue. I am very honest and tend to say things as I believe and feel they are true. I am doing that in this post with as much respect and consideration as I can for anyone who may read this. If you feel you might feel uncomfortable or offended by what I share in this post below, please stop here and read no further. I have try to share as clean as I can, but I am going to say it like it is. Just to caution you before you read further. ***

    It’s been a few years since my marriage ended and my wife and I have been together, sexually speaking. I need it. I mean sex. I need sex. Yes, I am horny and no, I am not a pervert or desperate to go looking for a hook up. I am human. I am like any normal functioning adult is and I have sexual needs and comforts. I need to have sex, but with someone I love that loves me. It’s been way too long since the last time I’ve had that.

    I have zero STD’s and I intend to stay that way. Plus, I don’t sleep ( slut ) around. It’s just not who I am. If I am going to have sex with someone, it has to be someone who I know for a fact is STD free and who loves me as I love them. Just the way all of this works for me. No exceptions ever.

    Now, I do have a new boy friend I just started to get involved with. I like him alot and he likes me alot. We defiantly see a future with each other. So, I will eventually have sex with him. But because we are newly involved with each other, we don’t want to jump into bed with each other right off. We want to get to know each other better through more non-sexual quality time together. I am so okay with this and feel this is the making of a good lasting relationship between us. I also want us to be able to verify by recent medical test results that neither of us have any STD’s before we have sex. Again, we both agree to this so this works.

    However, I am not going to lie, I am horny and I need to feel another person’s naked body engaging in sexual enjoyment with my naked body. I really want that to be with my new boyfriend. I am sexually attracted to him and want to feel him having sex with me. The first sexual encounter with him I want to be actually a love making thing between us. Sex is great and I want it, but love making is so much better and I rather have him make love to me first. I really want him to! I know I have never had sex with a guy before and there is alot of uncertainties, but that’s okay. I feel comfortable and safe with him so he would be easily my first pick.

    UGH!!! I hate feeling like this. It’s frustrating. Needing sex, but can’t have it. It has to work out the way it needs to for both him and me. Wish we could just go there with each other. UGH!!!:bang:
     
  2. Runnerrunner

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    Because a lot of us here have been in this situation, I don't think you'll experience much judgement.

    I've been in your situation and my word of advice, if you were looking for advice, would be to have caution and take it slow. What I mean is that after coming out of a romantic wasteland it may be hard to see the difference between love and physical need. I mistook need for love. No real damage, though. I learned somethings about myself, that I want and need love more than sex; though, I cannot wait for sex WITH love. Overall, I'd say just be careful that the physical doesn't somehow derail the love. It can certainly complicate things.

    Good luck! Hope I meet my special someone soon.
     
  3. softsprite

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    There is something exciting about delayed fulfillment of desire though, no? Maybe that's a girl thing, I don't know. But think about how awesome it will be when you finally do get around to it, on your own terms, with love and knowing that you're both safe. It's probably going to be well worth the wait!
     
  4. Chip

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    There's a lot to be said for waiting, for all the reasons you mentioned. I think you've got a good handle on things.

    You haven't made clear what the actual understanding is with your wife. Does she know that you're not into her, and seeking out guys? If not, I feel pretty strongly that if you want to be in integrity with yourself, you owe it to yourself and to her to include her in the decision making process, at least to the point of letting her know what you're doing. In cases like this, I generally try to follow the "How would I feel if the roles were reversed" line of thinking. If she isn't in the loop on your attraction or lack thereof, and interest in a guy, then it's never an easy conversation to have, but you probably owe it to her to do so, and I'd strongly suggest doing that before anything serious develops (whether sexual or not) with this other person. Otherwise, not only is it not fair to her, but it's going to create a lot of shame and secrecy for you, and that isn't good emotionally or physically.

    On the issue of STIs, there's one thing that really concerns me about your comments, and that's the idea that you can verify that someone is STI-free. With HIV, hepatitis-C and other viral-based STIs, that's near impossible, because the common screening tests are looking for antibodies to the virus, not for incidence of the virus itself.

    Complicating things, when someone is first infected, the virus replicates rapidly, so the viral load skyrockets, with no antibodies to prevent its spread, making the risk of infecting someone else high. And until the antibodies develop (usually somewhere between 3 and 12 weeks after infection), that person, who might have an extremely high virus load, will test negative in the common test that looks for antibodies.

    And one other unsettling piece of information: According to recent data, the biggest incidence of new infections is among committed couples.

    So the point is... no matter what the person says, when they were tested, and how much you trust them, please *always, always* be safe. Use condoms every time, and minimize exposure to semen and blood.
     
  5. azure au

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    I'm with softsprite, love that anticipation. But I understand the frustration. It sounds like you are focussed on a relationship not an encounter. Take advantage of this time to build trust and communication because that will make the first physical experience together even better. Please remember to be safe, some sti's are hard to detect, even with medical tests.
     
  6. skiff

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    Hi,

    And there lies the dilemma...

    You reject the hookups, open relationships and serial monogamy of both straight and gay culture while embracing your sexuality, and you are left facing the wait for the right person.

    I find non sexual touch helps but is not the only real answer.

    So view it like any other need. Just as hunger drives you to find food being horny simply drives you to find the right person. Your psyche will not allow you to sit on your butt home alone. It will drive you to fill the need.

    There are short term fixes but only one true answer.

    So... What are doing to meet and find that person? Once found the time it takes to qualify the relationship is simply that. A watched pot.

    So stop watching the pot and what comes comes in the time it takes. Sounds like you are doing all you can.

    Tom
     
  7. GayDadStr8Marig

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    I'm totally on board with you Maxwell with your outlook on the best way to begin a relationship with someone you want to have in your life for the long term. And I appreciate Chip's reminders about STI's and testing procedures not always coinciding with occurrence of infections.

    The only issue I see is in the increase incidence of STI's in committed couples. To me this indicates the "commitment" is not synonymous with "monogamous" which is the other critical factor for a LTR with me. Like I told my wife after she admitted there had been times she turned down the opportunity to have an affair, that would unquestionably have been a deal breaker for me, and that holds true with any future partner with me as well.

    -Rick
     
  8. Jim1454

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    I would also caution against building up this first experience as something that will be incredible and powerful for both of you. You might want to ramp up your physical intimacy too over time, once you're ready for it. Being intimate with someone doesn't require penetration - you might want to work up to that.

    I also wonder what you mean when you say your marriage ended, sexually speaking. Are you still in that marriage?

    As someone who cheated, I would also strongly recommend you working through this with your wife before you become physically intimate with anyone else. Having the conversation about your orientation with your wife is a WHOLE LOT EASIER when you're able to say you've remained faithful - because she WILL ask.
     
  9. MAXWELL45

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    Thanks everyone for all your thoughts and comments. It does help alot. The std issue is just one that I will not ignore so any way to be safe in it, I will do. I respect my body enough not to put it on the line sexually for anyone.

    As to my marriage, I will post something to help clarify what's what about it. I over looked explaining it here and wish I had.

    Thanks again!!!
     
  10. Lovetoski

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    Maxwell. I need to. I'm not trolling anything, but I am no longer-- for the rest of my life--apologizing for a healthy sexual appetite. I will wait for the right woman, but when I find her I will not overthink it. I will happily and thoroughly enjoy safe sex. You should do the same.

    ---------- Post added 12th Mar 2014 at 04:12 PM ----------

    Too. Ugh. I hate grammatical errors! Sorry
     
  11. AAASAS

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    Why don't you just fuck your boyfriend, I mean life is way to short to wait for something like that, people let sex get between them, sex doesn't get between people.
     
  12. MAXWELL45

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    @ WooEEE. I understand you point and want so bad to agree with you. I would love nothing more than to just fuck my boyfriend as you so put it. I really would love that, but... I want more than just sex with a guy. I want a guy who loves me outside of bed and spends quality time with me beyond sex. If I want just sex with a guy, I know for a fact I can get that. Sex is easy to get, but love is harder. As much as I want to have sex with him ( and I really so do ), I would turn him down if he offered to have sex with me if I think that is all he wants from me. If he does not love me, he can not fuck me. I want love, not just sex. I respect myself more than being a slut. I so understand what you have said and I so want to agree with you, but can't agree.