Just wondering if you anyone else feels somehow psychologically healthier just by being out to others, even if you're in a relationship and there shouldn't be any really "need" to come out? I understand feeling better after you come out as gay, lesbian or transgender, because it means you can start dating or start transitioning freely. But why should I feel the need to come out as bisexual to friends and family if I'm already married? Is this normal? I guess the people who knew my ex girlfriends must know that I'm not straight, but I kind of feel the need to remind them that the fact that I married a man doesn't mean my "lesbian period" was a phase. Does that make sense? Ugh. Please help. I'm going crazy.
I do understand. Assuming its a phase is pretty disrespectful. I think its also important in the bigger picture of educating others that bisexual people are as capable of monogamy as anyone else. I am only just beggining my coming out process, and I am currently with a same sex partner but I suspect I would feel very much the same way if I were in your shoes.
Are you coming out as bisexual or as a lesbian? Would you still feel the need to come out if you were in an opposite sex relationship? I hope those questions aren't offensive. I'm just not sure why I feel such a deep need to come out when my relationship doesn't make it obvious....or something.
My friend and I have had this discussion many times before and we've concluded that if you're with the opposite sex, then it's unnecessary to come out. Unless you're part of an LGBT group and actively involved in the community. We are both bisexual and prefer to be with women, but she still likes men. I also like men (one guy specifically), but I can only see myself being married to a woman. While my friend would ultimately love to marry the man of her dreams. And she has stated that she feels like it would be unnecessary for her to come out, unless she still wishes to actively date women as well. I mean, everyone is different and if you feel like you need to be honest with people about who you are then I'd say go for it. I think self disclosure about one's sexuality is very important, especially when people automatically assume you're straight/gay when in fact you are bisexual.
I agree with your friend. If you're not active in the gay community why go through the hassle of telling people you're attracted to the same sex.
Just wanted to add that my friend and I, made our conclusion solely based on -if you chose NOT to disclose your sexual orientation to your partner prior to being exclusive/married. It may open up a can of worms by having withheld important information.
Well, first of all, it's never *necessary* to come out...but it can be liberating to be able to acknowledge your own identity. My situation is different from yours, but similar enough, I think. My partner is female...we've been together closing on 28 years. But dammit, we're both attracted to men, too...and we both have felt increasingly as the years have progressed that (good as our sex life still is) we *miss* sex with men. So when people refer to us as lesbians, that chafes a bit, and at least I feel it necessary/desirable to correct them. Calling us lesbians denies an important part of our reality and our identity. I don't always say "no, I'm bisexual"...but I do point out frequently that you can't conclude that I'm a lesbian from the fact that I have a longstanding female partner (any more than you can conclude a person is straight just because they've been hetero-married for 30 years).
I guess there would be two reasons to disclose... how can I explain this? Ok, so the first time I fell in love with a girl I came out as a lesbian because we were together and I loved her and she was a lesbian. We broke up, and when we broke up I fell in love with a male friend of mine. So presumably that made me straight. I knew when I came out as a lesbian that I wasn't, and I knew when I got with the boy later that I wasn't suddenly straight. So I was bisexual. The trouble was I didn't know any bisexuals, and what I heard about them was all bad (from all sides), so I didn't want to be one. So I guess it would be important to come out to increase visibility and therefore help young bisexuals feel it's ok to be what they are? maybe? I don't know. The past ten years have been exhausting--coming out, reversing it, coming out, reversing it whenever I date someone. I'm married now so it shouldn't matter, but because it caused so much drama over the years I guess I feel like I want to just say it all the time to everyone because I couldn't back then. Does that make sense? Ugh. Ok. Maybe not. ---------- Post added 10th Mar 2014 at 06:23 AM ---------- Oh, and yes my partner has always known and accepts it. ---------- Post added 10th Mar 2014 at 06:31 AM ---------- By the way, I'm really grateful to both of you for responding. It's super important I think that true bisexuals who do end up in long-term same-sex partnerships continue to identify as bisexuals instead of taking on the lesbian label even if it doesn't fit just to make things easier for other people to understand. The reason I say that's important is that when I was a teenager I wanted to be with a woman, and I'd never met a bisexual woman who was in a long term relationship with another woman--I assumed all women married to women were lesbians, and since I wasn't a lesbian that could never happen to me. Does that make sense? It would have given me hope to have seen a couple in which one partner was truly bisexual, especially in which both partners were! Anyway, thank you so much again for answering and representing
Oh, yes, I totally understand where you're coming from because I've done the same thing and it is exhausting. Also, I wanted to add that I think its absolutely fine for you to come to family and friends, especially since your partner knows. I'm sorry, I just assumed that he did not :icon_redf Last, but not least, I agree with you, and think it is very important to stay visible that way young people will know that it's okay to be themselves without feeling like they have to pick on side depending on who they're dating.
Many people on this site have a strong negative reaction to the sex advice columnist Dan Savage. And I'm not going to go into all that or defend his every position. But one thing he stresses in his podcast, Savage Love, is the positive impact on society when bisexuals come out - especially when they are in opposite sex relationships. Many people - gay and straight - don't believe bisexuals really exist and believe instead that bisexual is a temporary label. The existence of people like Annika belie that falsehood as well as the negative stereotype about bisexuals no being capable of monogamy. Again that stereotype is not true. But bisexual invisibility makes bisexual monogamy invisible too.
Hope, I appreciate what you're saying here. But the truth is that people will believe what they want. I have been told *sooooooo* many times that if I've been with a woman for 28 years, then I should just stop pretending and own that I am a lesbian. It's infuriating. There is no way to win with these people. So I'm not really sure about serving as a counterexample to the stereotype...because people whose narrative it doesn't serve won't see it. Rather, I'm as out as I can be because of people like softsprite, who are *looking* to see bisexual women and need to see them; and (more critically, if more selfishly) to be true to my own identity. I'll not be told by someone else who I am. I have no trouble with labels, generally speaking...they are a useful tool...but I get to pick the labels that get applied to me.
This is the exact same thing I'm struggling with, as you saw my thread earlier. I feel like I do want a relationship with another woman at some point but right now I don't see it happening any time soon so I keep telling myself that to come out would just be an unnecessary struggle, even if that's probably not true.
I prefer to come out to my friends because I feel kind of like I'm always on my guard if not. I'm kind of used to being able to talk freely to most people so I'm worried if I don't tell people I'll accidentally let it slip and it will be awkward. I'd rather come out on my own terms and acknowledge my identity.
This is a topic that has been on my mind since I stopped living in denial about my sexuality. I have been happily married for 12 years and I have no plan to leave my husband but I feel I am hiding something about myself. The only person I can tell is my best friend but she has told me she doesn't think being gay or bi sexual is right. My family would not be supportive at all so I don't feel a need to share with them. My husband works with a bisexual woman and she wants to become friends with me even though she doesn't know I am bi as well. The problem is, she is very open sexually and has already made comments about my pictures that I am hot lol. While it is very flattering, I am not ready to have a sexual experience with a woman at this point. I might feel uncomfortable if there is sexual tension in the air. So my point is, I want to tell someone but I don't have anyone to come out to besides my husband and he already knows.
