I just hit on a brand new friend--and she turned me down!

Hi there, and welcome to EC.

I don't think it would be wise to continue to pursue her. You're a married woman - so she would be contributing to your infidelity. She likely wants no part in that. From her perspective, she likely figures that if you're into women, you should get that worked out with your husband and then carry on.

Have you considered counselling? I would think it would be beneficial for you to talk about how you are feeling and what you really want to do next.

 

I don't think he judged you. I haven't read the posts, but it may not have been a healthy relationship, and someone else having done wrong isn't a go-ahead. I don't feel that I can really weigh in on this having never been in a similar situation, but let's not snap at someone that might honestly being try to help.

 

It's okay to fantasize about women, but I don't think It's a good idea to pursue relationships when you already have one. Either divorce your husband or move on from her is my advice.

And I don't know about her to judge her, but does she even know you're in a relationship? It sounds like you're just looking for experimentation and not a relationship anyway; do you even know if she'd be OKAY with that? I can't speak for everyone but I know a lot of lesbians aren't interested in experimenting with bi-curious people because it always ends badly with them feeling hurt and used. Or at that's how I would feel.

I'm not trying to be harsh but this whole situation is unsettling to me, especially the last line. If she already rejected you, the answer is no you should not keep perusing her. It's up to her who she wants to be involved with.

 

As the mother of a preschool age child myself, the last thig I'd want to do is get in loved in an affair with a married mother.

I struggled mightily with my attraction to a woman in a relationship. I did not want to be someone's affair, a person on the side, etc. When I realized how attracted to her I was, I also realized I had nothing to offer her or someone like her. I was not out. So I came out and started putting my emotional house in order, so that I'd be ready for a relationship with a woman. I did online dating. At some point the original woman and I had to have a conversation about our feelings. But from day 1, I was clear that I wouldn't be just a fling, just a hook up, or have an affair. She decided to end her 17 year relationship so that we could attempt this thing. It's crazy. There are real consequences - my girlfriend owned a house and a vacation house with her partner. They didn't have children but they have dogs. And now the ex has the dogs. One house is on the market and my girlfriend is living in an apartment. Yes we are very happy but it took a lot of talking, processing, and life changes. I wasn't about me hitting on her casually.

I say all if this to say, she probably turned you down because you are not thinking about he consequences. No one wants to break up a family (yours) or to risk an angry husband. You both have young children. There are other people who would be affected.

 

Exactly... This is one of those situations where you should do what I say, not what I do.

I've openly admitted that I cheated on my wife. I later came to realize that I was a sex addict. I had 'coped' with life for years by using porn, and like all addictions, if left untreated, they get worse. So it evolved into online interactions with other men behind my wife's back, and finally to meeting other men for sex. Uncontrollably. I hated myself for doing it, but I couldn't stop. I was no different from an alcoholic who can't stop drinking or a drug addict who has to have another 'hit'.

And THAT was the worst part of my conversation with my wife. She could understand and sympathize with me being gay - but she was furious and devastated by my cheating.

So I'm not sure what thread you're referring to - but I doubt that I referred to any of my acting out partners as 'friends'. Perhaps I did. But I didn't join this site until after my wife and I had decided to separate, which was after I had to disclose to her what I was doing, and after I was in recovery for my addiction...

Nobody needs to take my advice seriously. Take it for what it's worth - if you find it helpful.

 

Trotter,

I'm sorry to see that Jim has you this upset with his past behavior. Look past what he wrote and read what others wrote. There is good advice to you.

Honestly speaking if this lady knows that you are married, she turned you down for all the right reasons. I know you are hurt but getting "involved" with someone who is "involved" would not be my cup of tea, it seems that it is the same for her also. Take a deep breathe and try to get a hold on your feelings. Think before you react. Emotionally this would not be a good move for your lady friend to get involved with you because it will only lead to heartache on everyone's part. I know that is NOT what you want to hear but truthfully it is the only real solution.

Respect her wishes. As she is respecting you and your marriage.

 

I don't understand why you're so angry with Jim and why you have to judge him. He was only trying to help and I didn't see anything offensive in his post. Sure he made some horrible mistakes in the past, but that's what makes his advice all the more valid- He has experience. What's done is done. I'm sure he knows to not make the same mistakes again which is why he's giving advice so you don't end up in his shoes.

 

I have a question for you. Are you upset because she turned you down or because meeting her has stirred something within you which now has you turned upside down and confused?

 

The original poster is obviously upset - lashing out at another use on an anonymous forum rather than considering good advice.

Back to the original topic - why in the world would an out lesbian, with young children, want to get involved with someone who is married to a man and "not gay"? What in the world does the original poster have to offer the object of her (non-gay, since she says she's not gay) attraction? Nothing but drama. And from the anger directed at Jim, I'd guess lots of drama.

 

Nobody can really tell you what to do, think or feel in this situation and it's certainly not for us to judge. The answers probably lie within and you just need to consider very carefully what you may be getting into.

A couple of things stood out from the original posting:

You have an "amazing" husband of eleven years.

Prior to this dinner party, you could never have imagined being more than "amused" by the idea of two women in bed together.

Clearly there is something about this other woman, who at one point you described as a friend (?) that has provoked curiousity rather than amusement. What is that? To go from amusement to genuine curiousity (if that's what it is) is quite a leap, and to take things further, or even consider taking things further, could seriously harm the relationship with a husband you describe as amazing. Are you prepared for that and the repercussions?

I don't mean for these questions to sound challenging, only to promote further consideration as this could have so many consequences for you. Only you know the answers.

You asked us: what has she got to lose? I'd probably turn the question around and ask, what have you got to lose?

Lots to think about and I hope you are able to arrive at the right decision for you.

 

I agree with you. Honestly, I do sympathize with the OP's feelings and I don't judge her just by having them, but there are still a few lines that made me feel unsettled. It's okay to just have feelings, but having feelings while being married and especially trying to keep going after a person that already has said no is the problem here.

Plus, I think the thing to remember is that lesbians are also people with individual preferences and boundaries. Just because someone identifies as a lesbian doesn't mean that there's a chance you'll ever get to experiment with them for various reasons.

But the point is that this woman does not want to be involved in this. I think that's where the story should end here. They can still stay friends, but if she doesn't want to do anything beyond that she has a right to that.

 

Holy shit. Trotter. You are---me. I GET it!!! I will admit, I always wondered about women. When my stbx husband wanted to watch porn I was always way more turned on by the women.. And forget about girl on girl. My husband, too, is a good man, but after 18 months of trying to figure this out.. He has faults. My marriage was good (at the time) bc I forced myself to believe it was good. Then... I met her. God. She was smart and funny--a little wacky and honestly lovely although not what society may consider a typical beauty. I'm not sure why or what happened, but I had to be with her. It went beyond want or desire. It was need- mind consuming all encompassing need. I never considered being with a woman in a real way until her ( although 18 months later I see my denial as what it was-- fear of going against the grain). Then.. I told her.. She initially resisted, but the chemistry was so strong. I wasn't imagining it. Weeks later, after I had let it drop, she contacted me. This all led to me cheating. Cheating is not well received-here or anywhere- and I will preface this by saying... IT IS A BAD FUCKING IDEA!!! However... It happens. It happened in my life and I would've sworn it never would. Today I wish it hadn't. My love and I are no longer together. I am devastated at the loss of her, but I will alwYs remain grateful that she was the force strong enough to make me pull the shades up and see what I actually think was there all along. I love women. I only want to be with women. My husband is a good man. He was a mediocre husband but has been a great friend. He is a superior father. What you are feeling may not be common. It may not be typical, but it is REAL!!! It happened to me. I wish I could give you my number so you could call bc I know how lonely confusing and scary it is to be where you are. Don't let others judge you or make you feel badly. I prior to this experience was very judgemental. I remain my harshest critic. That being said ... I am a lesbian woman who was essentially happily married for 14 years. I have two lovely children. I am a nurse. I am a mother. I was a cheater and a liar, but I am not lying to anyone anymore including myself. I am gay. I am there for whatever you may need.
Best. Xxo

 

Trotter,

I'm quite sure that some of your responders have cheated. Jim has owned up to it, and talked about the damage it did. At the same time, though, many of us here who have been married, and some of us who still are, have figured out we're gay and have not cheated. Count me as one of those. And I lived in the closet for 56 years.

I'm not judging you. We each do what we have to do, and there isn't a one-size-fits-all answer. But people come here to EC for support and advice. People are trying to provide that for you. You're free to take it or leave it, but I don't think it's appropriate to lash out just because you don't agree.

Take a deep breath. There are lots of folks here eager to help.

 

I technically shouldn't be in this forum since I'm rather young and have never been married, but the title grabbed me and the situation seemed like something I'm versed in giving advice to.

I'm with Stillaround. I don't judge your feelings either, but cheating is morally wrong and is never the answer. Experimentation is okay (when single), but it never justifies cheating.

For example, imagine you do come out as gay and eventually find the woman you want to spend your life with. Later down the road your girlfriend eventually realizes that she's actually straight- or even bisexual and never explored her straight side. So she decides to sleep with men behind your back to satisfy her curiosity. Could you really forgive her for that? is that really acceptable? I wouldn't think so.

It's fine with me that you're curious about women, my only problem with it is that you risk hurting your husband and son from the outcome and you may lose everything from those consequences. If you are gay, I would advise telling him and you may have to end the relationship first before it is safe to experiment.

I just can't sympathize with a cheater, no matter the outcome. I was with a girl who wasn't sure about her sexuality and had never been with men, so she constantly cheated to know what it was like. It caused me a lot of emotional pain and trust issues, and others need to think on how that feels for the other party.

 

I'm single, but I can relate to the OPs surprise at realizing that she is attracted to a woman. Its not just shocking, it was a paradigm shift for me when I became wildly attracted to a specific woman. I still struggle with it... I'm gay one day and absolutely not gay the next.

And I thought adolescence was confusing.