I came out to the ex...finally.

Well done, another item ticked off the list.

 

Congratulations on reaching this milestone! A few months later than originally expected if my recollection is right. But better late than never. Or better late than after you've gone crazy from the divorce That Would Never End! :lol:

Some thoughts, and feel free to share them with the Ex At Long Last:
As I pointed out in a recent thread, it was what it was. There is no changing the past. The marriage is over. And I as I recall it was her choice. There is no sense in trying to dig up the grave where this marriage is buried; all you'll find is a rotted out corpse.

On a practical level, it's best for all if everyone can just move forward to whatever is next. Also: it would be nice if she could agree for the good of the children to have at least a civil relationship with you. She doesn't have to like you. Just try to avoid vitriolic hate.

To a degree, I don't see that she has any right to dictate this. It's your news. And if she likes it or not--or even hates the fact (probable): you are still their father.

Although I suppose practically a solution she can live with might result in less friction.

One thought for what it's worth (not that my thoughts are worth anything :lol: the coming out to your children should probably be sooner rather than later. I am guessing that will be the last major coming out, and at that point it will fully free you to live an authentic life as an openly gay man.

 

Congratulations!

(*hug*)

 

Congrats!

 

Congratulations - a bit messy, like everything in life, but certainly a step in the right direction.

Keep on truckin'

 

Congrats greatwhale!

 

Congratulations! I agree that she doesn't really get to have a say on how you share your news. Your parenting time with them is yours alone. While I think it's a good idea to advise her that you've done it or about to do so - so that she is prepared for a conversation should the kids want to discuss it with her - I don't think you should feel obligated by her desire to be present for the conversation YOU are having with the kids.

In divorce situations, the loss of control over what happens with the other parent is something we all have to deal with as parents. From what you've said about your exwife, this is probably more about her loss of control than about the actual subject - your coming out.

 

Congrats, greatwhale; another major milestone out of the way. I am actually a bit stunned that I beat you to the punch! When I first joined and started reading you posts, I thought to myself "dear God, it will take me years to get stable enough to go through what these guys are doing"... and here I am, out to my wife, we had a couple of really icy days over the weekend, and then yesterday morning a dust-up via email but by the time we got home last night and spent the evening talking you'd almost think we were friends again. I'm certain there will be ups and downs along the way, and we have a few major milestones ahead of us (kids, her family, terms of divorce, prepping house to sell and finances for separation). Anyway, I wouldn't have made it this far so quickly without the support and inspiration of guys like you. (*hug*)

 

Good for you, greatwhale! I suppose by this point it just feels like one final detail out of the way, but it's such a BIG final detail. And if the kids don't already have some vague idea (they do pick up on clues pretty well), chances are good that your influence has made them open-minded enough that they will accept it without a lot of difficulty. My oldest was very unaffected by the news, and actually is pretty supportive of me possibly getting close to someone, and my youngest doesn't know yet, but she knows openly gay people and is constantly voicing great annoyance that Wisconsin doesn't have same-sex marriage. (If she weren't such a total blabbermouth....! Once she knows, the world will know, and my wife is adjusting, but she's not quite ready for that yet.)

Congratulations on the important step!

 

Congrats.

Now the healing starts.

Tom

 

Congrats!! and sorry at the same time your having to deal with all this. I guess we all deal with stress in different ways but sounds like she doesn't know exactly how to deal with her own without using the kids as a shield. Stand strong! You deserve it!

 

You know... I think most therapists can see through people like your ex wife. They certainly can with my husband's ex. So I think you might have a real ally in the room with you - who can hopefully talk some sense into your wife.

How old is your youngest?!? I told my girls when they were 6 and 8 - and it was fine. The difference I suppose is that my ex was very supportive and understanding of my orientation. She didn't hate me, and made an effort to talk about me in a very positive light.

As for visitation - you're right to stick to your guns. As soon as she deviates from the agreement, call her out on it and threaten to go back to court. Stop making support payments too. If one element of the agreement isn't good enough for her, then whole thing isn't good enough for her.

 

Greatwhale,

I "hope" the reason she wants to be present when you tell the kids isn't so she can control things and make it all about her, and make the kids blame you for the divorce.

I "hope" it's because she wants to do the best thing for the kids and reassure to them that you being gay doesn't change your relationship with your kids and that you still love them unconditionally.

I'm hoping for the second...

 

Yeah, I saw you were approaching 4,000 posts. I can imagine that's like unloading a ton of bricks for you. Because you had previously mentioned she suspected, it usually isn't a big deal. Per stories I've heard (and, yes, movies I've seen), it IS a big deal when they had been in the dark on the issue of the spouse's sexuality the whole while. So that part went over smoothly, because that's about you, in her mind, and not about her ... and she seems very focused on herself.

---------- Post added 11th Mar 2014 at 09:39 AM ----------

Now, this was sort of predictable - that she would play games. She seems to enjoy heaping guilt on you and, most likely, on others. I wonder about the quantity and quality of her friends. This is about her, so she'll play these cards.

Like your status goes: "... and a few more." Once you clear a few more hurdles, you'll rest better, I think.

What a relief, though.

 

Hi GreatWhale

Congratulations on the not too painful divorce and getting closure on that chapter of your life and for crossing the T’s and dotting the I’s by coming out to your ex-wife now that the dust has settled. I hope any nonsense over access rights to your kids is soon resolved amicably and that they accept you as gay.

I’ve not been on EC much recently but note from some of your postings that you are a fan of some of the musicians I like e.g. Passenger, Jake Bugg, and from a long time ago (70s) I remember Gordon Lightfoot with the “Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald”. If you like UK artists with slightly unusual voices have a listen to Hobbie Stuart, this is one of his own songs that I particularly like. Hobbie Stuart - How We Lived - YouTube

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