Ok, I came out to my wife in 2006 after the birth of our first child. Her immediate reaction was what you would expect ski will not repeat what seems to be standard experience from most posts. HOWEVER, nothing has changed since. She actually insisted on us having more kids resulting in the birth of my twin daughters in 2008! She has been in a state I complete denial ever since; to the point were when I refuse to show sexual interest she will my ask to explain why I don't want to have sex with her!!! I am extremely frustrated as I have grown to feel completely numb towards life in general. I find pleasure in nothing and even when I appear to be smiling I feel empty and desperate. Any advice?
Hey Numb1976, Welcome to EC! It is astounding the degree to which women are complicit in these arrangements, how they are part of the deception, so unbelievably unconscious of what they are doing! The only advice we can give you is that this needs to be something she sees plainly, the veil somehow has to be lifted from her eyes...and I can only anticipate that it will be gut-wrenching... Keep posting, the degree of support you will get here is amazing, be well, it does get better!
My advice. Having been in a similar situation I told my wife and have ended the relationship. What you do going forth is your decision. But if your feeling numb and empty that's not good Take time to make the decision you need Welcome to the site.
Hi, Have you considered how you enable her denial? You did give her more children. Don't get me wrong kids are great but why would you proceed in the face of farce? Tom
2008 was six years ago. That is a long time for you to have continued on as you have since the birth of your daughters. Are you weighing the pros and cons of splitting up with your wife? There must be a lot of pros or you would not let yourself go on for so long in your numb state.
Welcome Numb! I understand completely where you are coming from. I came out to my wife several years ago after having a child. And again a few months ago. I believe like you that she is in complete denial. However, like others have said... and I am guilty myself of this. Maybe we have contributed to her denial by letting things go on too long. I am guilty of just not being clear that I am emotionally and sexually attracted to men. Tho I do believe that wives create some of their own denial as this will completely change their world. I have weighed the pros and cons for years and it has made me nothing more then a shell, numb to the world. As I just mentioned in another post...the cost of doing nothing has become to high. If you desire to be with a guy then I think you have to make that clear or she will continue on as long as you do. Good luck!!
Hi there and welcome to EC! You've come to the right place. I would strongly recommend counselling for yourself. Having an unbiased professional to talk to about these things is VERY helpful. They can help you work through what you are feeling arouind this situation, and help you formulate your approach with your wife - having shared with them her issues and challenges. The fact of the matter is that (in my experience) that numb, empty feeling isn't going to get any better. It will onlyi get worse. So you need to decide how you want to live your life, and if you're really going to be any good whatsoever to your kids in the state that you're in. I came to realize that my kids would be better off with two happy and well adjusted parents than parents who remain in a disfunctional relationship that makes them miserable.
Here's my take on it: you've told her you're gay but that's it. You haven't said that it is time to call it quits, or maybe you have but haven't acted on it, but either way why should she act as if anything were different? In her mind she may view it as you were gay before and married her. You were gay before and were intimate with her. You were gay before and had children with her. You were gay and stayed married to her. For her, nothing has changed but for you everything has. Again just my opinion, but I would suggest taking a hard look at what you want. Do you want to stay married? If so you need to find a way to battle the numb feeling abd make the relationship work. If not, you need to create a plan for yourself and start working on your exit from the relationship. I can tell you from experience that the numb abd unduly feelings can sometimes be dispelled for awhile but the chances are high that you'll be back in this position some time down the line.
Thanks for all the responses everyone. I totally acknowledge that I might have been complicit in sustaining her denial. Nevertheless, it is absolutely beyond me why she would genuinely ask me as to what the reason is behind my lack of sexual interest. My problem is that as soon as I wake up in the morning I become - and remain - acutely aware of a gaping hole in my life while at the same time feeling intensely guilty for making this innocent and caring person next to me suffer. I can now say that I am gay. I've always known; I just could not face up to it due to cultural and family issues. Nevertheless, I feel it is simply too late for me now. I don't think that I could ever be the cause of destroying my family. On the other hand I feel like everyday is a torturous charade where I suppress everything that is me and project all that is expected of me. I admire those of you who have taken the step but I simply cannot see this being my path at this stage. I have trained myself to 'deal' with reality. I just have to train myself to 'deal' with my dreams and desires too.
Life is a whole set of "arrangements" isn't it? You make deals with yourself and others and you try to live up to them, but it gets harder and harder to do so. Bad deals are always subject to re-negotiation. If the underlying issues remain, you will find yourself endlessly modifying the deals, and moral choices will become more and more urgent. Being gay will simply not go away. This feeling of emptiness will soon enough become a black hole, sucking the life out of everything, including your relationship with your wife and children. Courage, the kind you will need to make a change in your life, is merely the calculation that the status quo is worse than acting to make things better...it's not a matter of if you will reach that point...but when.
Numb, the second paragraph in your last post.... you and I are having the same experience. It is tormenting me.
Here is the irony. This torturous charade that you are enduring IS going to cause your marriage to end - eventually. I firmly believe - as others have said - that these feelings aren't going to go away. You have opened 'Pandora's Box' here and there is no way to close it. This will continue to plague you, and drag you down. So as you get dragged down, you aren't going to be happy in your marriage and you're not going to be happy as a dad. This is going to have a negative impact on your family. I would suggest that it already has. But to suggest that you are going to 'destroy' your family is an exaggeration that we all do. I was sure I was 'ruining' the lives of my wife and children. But their lives aren't ruined. My wife got over this. She picked up the pieces, made the best of a bad situation, and carried on. She started dating again within a year and a half or so, and in 3 years was remarried. My kids adjusted to having divorced parents. Changing schools was tough - but tougher the second time when my wife and her new husband moved to a different part of town - and then harder still when we moved them to a different school again because of the issues we were seeing with the students and teachers. They are 'out' to their friends and teachers - they know that they have a gay dad - and it isn't a problem. They still do their figure skating and their trampolining. They still have friends, and pets, and parents and grandparents who love them. I can see now that I did not 'ruin' their lives. So while it is hard, try to keep things in perspective. To 'destroy' something, in my mind, is to blow it up so badly that it is irreparable. And that is not what is going to happen to your wife and kids if you choose to leave. It won't even do that to your 'family' - it just changes your family. It doesn't destroy it. You would still be a family - there are all sorts of different families. And in my opinion, people get divorced for much weaker reasons than finding out or acknowledging that one of the people in the marriage is gay. So try not to beat yourself up. Think about how this is going to play out and consider what the best long term solution is. It will be different for everyone, but you do have options.
Numb, I echo everything Jim said. You're numb because it's so difficult to live a hetero-normative life when you're not hetero. The only way to do that, in my mind, is to numb yourself, to try to deny your own wants and needs, to "settle." You will not destroy your family. Families go through all sorts of changes all the time, but don't have to be destroyed in the process. Your wife seems to be in total denial, and yes, I think you have enabled it some extent. You told her you were gay 6 years ago, yet continued to have sex with her and even brought more children into the world. So it sounds as though she believes that, even though you're gay, you've decided to "settle," and she's OK with that. But it sounds like you're not OK. I think the only way is forward, as so many here on EC say. You're gay, you're still young, and you have needs that won't go away. Yes, find a good, gay-friendly therapist to help you sort this out. /Ed.
I think youre both in a sad sad state-- denial or otherwise. You only live once-- typing here isn't helping. It's time to act. I think.
