A mini-conversation I started with tscott in his thread has me curious to learn more: For folks who were/are in a heterosexual marriage and came out during the marriage, maybe slowly to close friends and family at first, how did the friends and family you came out to react in terms of the impact on your spouse? In other words, did your joint friends become angry or resentful at you because you lied to your spouse, deceived him/her, ruined your spouse's life, etc.? I have been with my wife for 11 years. Apart from my family and high school friends, all of our friends are joint friends. Everybody loves my wife, including my family. I am considering coming out to my brother - he will be the first person other than my wife and therapist. He thinks I am the bees' knees, so I am not worried that he will hate me, but I know he is going to feel horrible for my wife. I even suspect that he will counsel me to do what I have to to stay with her because she is so great. I think this will be the case with most of my family. Hypothetically, if I were to tell my wife's family, I suspect most would react with a lot of anger and advise my wife to leave. I think that our joint friends' reaction would've a mixed bag. I would greatly appreciate and experiences you all would be kind enough to share.
I don't have allot of experience in this area but my wife told 2 of our joint friends. I think their exact reply was "i'm not surprised" however neither of them have been resentful towards me or hostile in any way. But...we are still together. Don't know how the scenario would play out if we were in the process of separating. It's funny...I have thought about this exact scenario many times. I think we are dead on in our thoughts of how her family will react and my family wanting me to just do what it takes to stay together. And friends...well they can just be plain fickle. Frankly I've reached the point where it just doesn't matter I think. Doing nothing carries a higher cost then worrying about what all the haters will think. But I look forward to seeing what others have to say.
I think it entirely depends on how your wife is doing. Is she supportive and understanding? Or is she angry and devastated? When I told my parents that my wife and I were separating, I didn't tell them why. I said "the reasons are personal and we don't want to discuss them." But I also told them that this didn't need to change their relationship with my wife. They loved her, and she loved them (more than her own mother to be truthful) and I didn't want to deprive her of their love and support through this difficult time. They were shocked that we were separating, and eventually contemplated that it was due to one of us being gay. Sure enough! As for friends - it has been odd. My friends, who I met in university, have remained friends with both my ex and I. Her friends seem to have shunned her for NOT being angry and spiteful with me. Her mother also was nasty to her, because she felt out of the loop when we separated. (We REALLY couldn't trust her to keep her mouth shut about my orientation, and until we had told my daughters, we didn't want her to know.) My ex wife needed counselling more to deal with her own mother than to deal with me and my orientation (and infidelity). Like it is with everyone we come out to, their reaction will really mirror our reaction. If we're comfortable and confident with the situation, they will be too. So if your wife is falling to pieces and angry about the whole situation, then others are likely to react in a similar way. What didn't happen, perhaps because of the order that we did things, nobody ever pressured me to stay with her. The fact is, she is the one who left me. She decided that staying married with a gay man probably wasn't in her best interests. She was right.
Thank you bass master an Jim. As you both point out, reactions will depend on the current state of things with my wife and me. Those who learn about it now while my wife and I are still together will probably be more understanding than those who learn later if we were to separate. Bassmaster, are those two joint friends you mention still joint friends? Has your relationship with them changed at all? Is it awkward when you go out with them, that is, if you still go out with them?
Reading this, it occurred to me that things can get nasty when friends are considered a version of "joint property". If this isn't handled with aplomb, if either of you is possessive of these friends, you may be asking too much of your joint friendships (the awkwardness!) and both lose them.
