My divorce will be final next month, and we finally told our oldest child about it. Before talking to her though, my husband and I sat down and decided what we needed to tell her and what we didn't. He decided he wanted to lay the bulk of everything off on me. Ever since I told him I was gay, he has decided that was all the problems of our marriage. It's like nothing else in the history of 14 years has mattered. Not his immaturity and refusal to be a partner and not his infidelity apparently. When I told him that even if I wasn't gay we'd still be getting divorced, he went nuts and basically called me a liar. It's like the last ten years of problems doesn't exist. And then when I told him that in order to maintain a friendly demeanor for the kids and the rest of our extended families and friends, I wasn't telling anyone about his infidelity (because god knows it would be so much easier on me but I want to help maintain good relationships). He then said in a smug tone that I could tell whoever I wanted as long as he could out me to whoever he wanted. I just wanted to know 1.) why didn't he care about his family's relationships and 2.) why is he so eager to out me? Is it his pride? So he can justify our divorce and not be the bad guy? Because I'll tell you, and he always knew from day one, that cheating was an ultimate deal breaker. That's why he hid it for seven or so years. Plus, after we told our oldest child about the divorce and she had time to think and calm down from crying some, she is actually pretty okay with everything. When my husband found that out, he was upset that she wasn't and then wanted to know when I was going to tell her I'm gay. It's like he wants to push me into the bad guy role and hurt the family, even though we both agreed to make things as amicable as possible for the kids. Yet another example of his immaturity and why I can't stand to be with him. Unfortunately, for the children's sake, we decided not to make them move during the school year, so I'm stuck with him until the end of May. Thankfully, though, our divorce should go through in April and then I just have to play nice till I get us out. I've already got us a new place to live, so I guess worst case scenario is we move a little early and I just drive the kids to school every day. This is so frustrating.
I know of what you speak, greyskye. It is frustrating as hell when you know the truth about things and yet, "to play nice", you let them have their fantasy. So let him, the point of divorce is that whatever he feels, thinks or does (apart from what he does or doesn't do for the kids) is irrelevant. The point and the goal is mutual indifference.
Thanks, greatwhale. As unfortunate as this sounds, it's actually helpful to know others understand and/or have been there. I just have to keep telling myself that this time will pass and stick to what I know is best for my kids.
You probably have already figured out that deal or no deal, he can out you to whomever he chooses. And it sounds like he will. I understand you not telling the children about his infidelity but I do not understand the urge to protect your STBexH from the consequences of his own choices.
The only reason I'm "protecting" him is for the kids. I don't want them overhearing about it from others conversations. And honestly, I'm about ready to just be done with the whole thing. The only people I care about that I'm still not out to are my kids and my mom. After that, he can tell the whole world for all I care. I just want to be the one that tells them, in the way I want. I don't want him forcing that on me. I've decided to tell everyone this summer anyway. I just want to get this divorce final first. I don't want him throwing any fits and delaying things now that we're so close. So, I'm just trying to play nice and be done. He's upset that things seem to be going smoothly. I think he feels like everyone should be in a "world-ending agony" level of hurt over the divorce and since they're not he's confused and trying to stir up crap. Which is killing me because this is what we agreed is the best case scenario! The kids are taking it rather well and things are progressing without drama. Why mess it up except for his selfish need to project is hurt on the kids? Makes me glad I'm getting custody, if this is the way he's going to be.
Your daughter is going to go through a million feelings. Please keep in mind that the immediate time ahead has to be about her. Your divorce is and your feelings have to remain secondary when you are around her. You don't matter right now nearly as much as she does. Good luck.
After my divorce from my daughter's father, I did learn (from my therapist, the co parenting counselor we saw, and books) that children take everything said about both of their parents personally. They internalize every negative thing because they identify so closely with both parents. So I get protecting your kids from hearing about their dad in a bad light. I misunderstood your original point about protecting him. I hope you everything continues to go smoothly. That is best for the kids and everyone.
