The Storm Raged On

Here's a backgrounder to get up to speed on my situation. I came out to my wife Friday night. Saturday we did our plans separately with the kids as planned as if nothing had changed. I came home to see all traces of the wedding taken down -- photos, quilt, whatever. Saturday night we attended a function as a family. Sunday we attended mass as a family. After mass, I read an email my wife sent earlier that day. During lunch we talked some, very tense, then she went to the bedroom and stayed the afternoon.

I went to the basement to catch some shows on the DVR, the kids came down with me and played and watched tv. I then went up to make dinner and my wife came down and announced she was going to the grocery store to buy things for sandwiches for lunches, asked if I wanted anything, then left before I could say or ask anything else. I had planned to tell her I was going to a group meeting I found, but since she was already gone I sent a text. I never heard back so I had no idea if I would be able to leave in time; so I atr quickly and got ready to go just in case.

She did come back just in time for me to go, but I forgot we were going to talk about bills that night and I forgot to check how late the meeting would go, so I never mentioned what time I would be home. The meeting went longer than I expected, then I spent some time talking to long-timers and other new guys that joined the group like me that night. I ended up not getting home until late, just after 10:30pm. She had left a note on the door from the garage that the guest room was cleared so I could sleep there, and she left pajamas and eyeglasses for me. Unfortunately the dog had an accident so I had to clean that before going to bed. When getting supplies for the rug cleaner I heard she was on her phone in bed; since she is hard of hearing she probably had no idea when or if I was home.

Monday I was greeted at work with a barrage of emails. She was livid that I did not reply to the Sunday morning email my "lack of response speaks volumes", so I replied in writing I thought when we talked at lunch that covered the email, but if you prefer written communication that's fine just let me know. We emailed back and forth for hours it seemed. By the time I got home Monday night I wanted to puke, I had no idea what I would be walking in to. She was home and upstairs so I started to make dinner. Soon she came down and acted like everything was fine. The kids went out to play for a while and we talked like normal people, got the kids settled in bed, then talked until almost midnight. Tuesday we emailed and phoned quite a bit about the separation agreement and financials, everything quite agreeable. Tuesday night, again normal dinner then talked until late. Today the emails centered on taking the uncontested quickie divorce route and just hiring one lawyer to formalize the agreement to file with the judge and make it official; apparently dissolving the legal bond had taken on the #1 priority, so if that's what it takes for her to cope it's fine by me, it just complicates the agreement since we then have to specify how the house is disposed of and the proceeds split.

Now to tonight's battle. This came about earlier this week when I asked if I should take our daughter someplace while my wife and son had people over so she wouldn't be disturbing everyone. She told me no since some other girls may come too. Then yesterday I asked again if I should leave; my theory being that a) she was uncomfortable being around me in front of people this weekend, and b) the organization had a pedophile scandal they tried to pin on homosexuality and failed, but they also ban gay leaders and volunteers still so I thought it best if I left the house while the activities were ongoing so that if parents learned later about me they wouldn't be able to claim anything untoward had gone on. She said that was ok, so I left just as the first people started to arrive. One visitor remarked to her that the pictures of the kids were cute; that was awkward for her. Another visitor remarked to her that he saw me leaving and guessed I didn't want to stick around all the kids, she said yeah; that was awkward for her too. Our daughter had been out playing with a neighbor and when we all move, she won't be able to do that any longer; that was sad for her.

So when I came in from my exile she greeted me at the door with the three examples of her affliction this evening. She asked if I had thought about that or did I even care. I was dumbfounded and could not reply. When I got in the house I heard our son was in the shower right inside the door. I was annoyed that he probably could hear her talking over the water running. We went in the kitchen and she said it again, and I said "why do you think it was so hard for me to do this? you're not the only one in pain you know." That was greeted with a slap-down reply that I had no right at all to give her attitude. At that moment our daughter came into the kitchen she had been watching TV in the family room. Again annoyed that she's doing this with the kids around. I just went upstairs to change clothes at that point.

I took care of the dog and garbage, when I came back in she was upstairs with the TV on talking on the phone (according to my son). He came down to the basement to put lotion on his feet and said he didn't understand why people would turn on the tv and talk on the phone. Obviously he could hear her; she's hard of hearing and talks louder than she realizes, so she probably thought she could drown herself out with the tv. Our daughter went back to watch youtube videos while he was down in the basement; I sent him up to go to bed again and asked him to get her moving along as well. After a while things quieted down so I assumed all was well. Then I took the dog out again, and a few minutes later my daughter comes down to the basement in tears looking for mom; I told her as far as I knew she was in bed, so she went upstairs and I haven't heard anything else, so either she was there or I don't know what the hell is going on.

So, now I've taken a little time to decompress and get these thoughts out into words; I suppose I will go investigate the upstairs situation to make sure both kids are in bed asleep finally. After all it's not like they have a half-day at school tomorrow or anything.

Deep. Breaths.

 

It is much better of late. We are able to have conversations about general things. We agreed to all the terms we can think of for the divorce. The kids are fine with our situation, but I know they will need to know the reason at some point, probably sooner than later.

We still have a few things to take care of before we list the house. The house hunting for her is challenging, more the lack of options than anything. For me the question of housing is whether I live close to work and drive out to the kids in the afternoon, or find a midpoint that would be more convenient for all of us. Either way, it's a condo for me so that narrows things right away.

There are no guarantees in life, but the path forward is clear and the destination is breathtaking.