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How the closet has changed me

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Bluebird22, Mar 13, 2014.

  1. Bluebird22

    Bluebird22 Guest

    I have decided to come to the wise owls of EC again :slight_smile:

    So here is my problem - I don't like how being in the closet has changed me - I am almost a different person these days to the person I was just a few years ago. A few years ago if you had met me you would have met a happy, relaxed and laid back, friendly, warm, happy go lucky sort of guy - someone who always went out of his way to help others or enquire after how they are.

    But if you met me now you would meet someone almost completely different - someone wracked with anxiety, someone who is so caught up in their mind always thinking about being gay that they cannot focus properly, someone who no longer seeks company but instead seeks solitude, someone with a shorter fuse, someone who pushes those closest to him away, and someone so caught up in his own problems that he rarely thinks to help others. Instead he lives his life in his mind, in his closet. And this closet has in many ways taken over his life and taken away his personality.

    Indeed in many ways I feel as though the closet has robbed me of my personality - like these days I am some drone or something, devoid of personality or emotion. And I know that I am being a bit harsh on myself, and I can still feel my old personality deep within me. I am hoping that as I slowly manage to claw my way into self acceptance and out of my closet that I will be able to regain the old me.

    Has anyone else had similar experiences? Or have any advice?
     
  2. rainmustfall

    rainmustfall Guest

    I can relate to this. Before coming to terms with my gender issues, I was very unhappy, pulled away from everything and everyone and generally hated myself. It got to the point where I just had to make a decision, and live my life for me despite all the pain and ill treatment that would bring. To my surprise the further I got being open the better I was able to experience emotion and the clearer I was able to think about all sorts of things. It breaks my heart to when I see people in a similar situation now. I try to help by being there and just listening, not judging or pushing, but it is hard not to push after having been there and knowing with deep certainty that the holding back from yourself is slow torture of the soul.
     
  3. Julieno

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    yes, I felt exactly like tha till the point my parents realized while I was still not out. I started being way less open, way less touchy and less kind. I also didn't like that since I always was outgoing, friendly and loved doing things for the others.

    To be honest it takes a bit of effort to stop thinking that everyone is judging you and I am pretty sure I felt angry because I was a nice and caring person and in return all I had was unhappiness. but from my experience when you realize that there is nice people out there (in my case including my family but there are also many people who I consider as important) that accept you for who they are and love you back you will start being yourself again. I came out recently but I am getting there again and I am sure it will be the same for you it is just who you are and comes naturally. :slight_smile:
     
  4. greatwhale

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    It's been said before that the closet does alter your personality, a deep secret will change the way you behave with others.

    Of course, the only solution, the sine qua non of this site, is: come out.

    The day I came out to myself (after decades in it!) was the day that I could finally breathe, the honesty was just so refreshing and liberating; I really did become myself again!

    Being in the closet did not do irreparable damage to my previously cheerful personality.
     
  5. YaraNunchuck

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    I think I'm in a similar position, and we're about the same age. I came out last year but although I'm out in my new town, I'm still not out to my parents/several old friends. As others here have pointed out, each step out of the closet reduces the irritation/depression/self-hatred that you might be feeling. Something about hanging around other gay people - in all their diversity - is a real psychic buoyancy aid.

    I'm a little confused though - you say you were 'happy, relaxed and laid back' before the closet. Is that before you realised you were gay? In that case, I can relate because I only came out to myself at 22. After that, I did think about being gay a lot. When I walked around in those early months, even seeing a cute guy caused intense pain. Whenever I saw a young couple with a pram, I used to turn away, crumpled by anger, jealousy and despair - wondering why I of all people had to be gay? It was bad.

    Before, I wasn't quite as cheerful as you describe yourself, but I was more focused on work. Now my interests/research has basically taken a back seat to self-discovery. The good news is that this should be temporary - once the new identity has completely settled, I suspect you'll get a better balance.

    The bad news? I think a level of bitterness is here to stay. I just - I don't look at the world with the eyes of happy privilege that I used before, that my successful straight friends still
    used. I think this may be permanent. But is that so bad? :icon_wink
     
    #5 YaraNunchuck, Mar 13, 2014
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2014
  6. link4816

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    Tara, can you explain the last paragraph in your last post about more, please? The part about looking at the world before with "happy privilege" and how that has changed.

    ---------- Post added 13th Mar 2014 at 11:30 AM ----------

    Obviously I meant to type Yara. Sorry!
     
  7. YaraNunchuck

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    Hi link, I just meant that the kind of guys I grew up with - who went to good schools, had loving parents etc., and who are straight, have grown up with the largely accurate idea that the world is basically benevolent, that it was designed for them. When I can out to myself, I looked up at the night sky - almost sensing the cold cruelty of the stars, sorry this is sounding poetic but it really happened - and I realised a fundamental disjunction, that the universe was not made for me, or people like me. I had lost privilege, to use a technical term in leftist discourse, like when someone becomes disabled and realises suddenly that public facilities just casually assume able-bodiedness.
     
    #7 YaraNunchuck, Mar 13, 2014
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2014
  8. YaraNunchuck

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    Hi so my earlier post seems to have been sucked into the void somehow, but all I said is that the stuff I wrote on lingering bitterness may not be seen by some as that helpful to Bluebird. It's just my experience and feeling for the thing, but I recognise that mine is a limited perspective, and others with more experience may have a wiser more optimistic take.
     
  9. StillAround

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    Living in the closet numbs us to the world. We live in shame, and the antidote to shame is compassion (empathy). But the empathy starts with ourselves. Once we accept who we are, allow ourselves to be compassionate with ourselves, we can begin seeing the world in a more positive way.

    As for the notion of "happy privilege," a lot has been written about the notions of white privilege and heterosexual privilege. There are checklists online that help people explore these issues. The problem is that many white and/or heterosexual folks go through life completely unconscious of the privileges and advantages they enjoy in our culture. The rest of us, though, are completely conscious of the privilege, precisely because we don't have it.

    I think that, once you come out of the closet and live an authentic life, you'll find that personality again. And I think it will be even better, because you will be authentic.

    (*hug*)
     
  10. Kaabool

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    I am currently in that closet called my room...I understand how you feel 110%...

    I used to be so much kinder...now I am just a rageaholic.
     
  11. AAASAS

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    Basically in the same boat, I try not to get too pissy about it.

    The only real solution is coming out of the closet, then you'll just be complaining about society in general.
     
  12. PatrickUK

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    I really feel for you and I'm sure there are many more people on here who can empathise with what you are going through. The closet is a very dark place to be - it's a place of misery and despair that fogs our emotions in the most terrible way. To read how it's affecting you is really sad and I think we'd all like to give you a EC group hug and tell you that we love and care for you.

    Do you ever think about coming out, and if you do, how does it make you feel? Can you describe the thoughts and feelings that are holding you back so much? I'd really like to be able to understand and I'm sure if you can tell us what's happening with these thoughts and feelings, we might be able to offer a better perspective.

    Coming out is a journey for all of us. It's the same in some ways, but very different in others, as no two people are the same, but with love and support we can all make it and live the life we so richly deserve. When you get there (and YOU WILL) that 'old personality' will re-emerge from deep inside and shine for all to see.

    Tell us more, if you can Bluebird.
     
  13. mbanema

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    While I've only recently started thinking of myself as gay, I've known for a long time that I'm not straight and that has definitely had an impact on how I live my life. I don't think I've developed a short fuse (if anything I think I'm more understanding of other people's frustrations), but I can definitely relate to seeking solitude and pushing people away.

    As I started getting older and all of my friends started dating, I began to distance myself from them (probably subconsciously, at least at first) because I knew some of them were homophobic and regardless I was in no way willing to come out. Over time my entire core of friends basically evaporated and now I generally keep to myself when I'm not at work. I made a few good friends in university by chance, but I no longer have the confidence to approach other people or take the initiative to make something happen. It's possible I'm that I'm unfairly blaming all of my problems on being closeted, but I really feel like that has robbed me of most of my self-esteem.

    I get along pretty well with both my immediate and extended family, but we're not very good at discussing anything personal. I think part of that is my parents' fault since they never really brought up any potentially uncomfortable topics when I was young, but it's mostly mine; I'm not sure if this was intentional or not, but I know I've tried to avoid talking about any aspect of my personal life with them for years now and I suspect it's because I didn't want them to wander down the path of sexuality and relationships. Now that I finally want them to know (yeah, I'm a little late on that one...) it seems like a nearly impossible task.

    Despite all of that, I do think I have some positive qualities and can be a good person to get to know so I guess it's not all bad. Overall it's definitely hurt me though and most days it seems like I'm stuck in a routine of either going to work or hanging around by myself doing nothing. It could be worse since in general I'm at least able to be somewhat happy without depending on anyone else, but deep down I know that I'm missing out on so much and letting time slip away that I can never get back.

    On the plus side, in many ways I feel like participating on this forum and talking to other people in similar situations or with some shared feelings has reawaken part of me. I'm not sure if I'm actually happier overall since I'm much more aware of my predicament and how that's affected me than I was a few months ago, I've really enjoyed chatting on here; this site is tremendously valuable.

    Unfortunately I don't really have any advice to give you aside from the extremely hypocritical "you should just get it over with and come out and feel free to be yourself", but know that at the very least you're not alone. :slight_smile:
     
  14. TheShyGuy

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    I can definitely relate. It almost seems that every free moment I have is no longer free because I'm troubled by my thoughts of being gay, wanting to come out, and knowing I can't right now. Turns those easy moments into almost painful moments.
     
  15. LostInside

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    I also feel like the closet has robbed me of my personality. I've known for a long time but have only recently started taking it seriously. All these years I've been holding myself back from being my true self. I also became very bitter because i was aware of my desires, but didn't have the courage to come out to anyone. I would see an attractive woman and instantly feel happy followed by guilt, shame, anger etc. Since i joined this site i have taken some major steps and am feeling better about myself every day. This site is a wonderful source of support! Without the support of this site who knows how long it would have been before i made any changes or steps forward. Once you start to really accept yourself and become comfortable with it a lot of those feelings will go away and be replaced with better ones. It takes a lot of effort and courage to come out so just take your time and take small steps. Talking here helps sort things out and helps you see other peoples perspective and advice so stick around and keep talking.
     
  16. MiAngel

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    I agree with LostInside, take your time in making the decision to come out, it is such an important moment. When I first came on this site I felt exactly how you described. Since coming on here and talking about my feelings, I have finally come out of the closet to two of my sisters and especially to MYSELF. I had to first learn to just accept who I am. I'm beginning to feel like my happy self again. I wish you much luck on your journey...and many hugs. (*hug*)
     
  17. Bluebird22

    Bluebird22 Guest

    Thanks for all the helpful words guys.

    To respond to some questions - YaraNunchuck, I think what changed wasn't that I realised that I was gay - I think subconsciously I have basically known since I was about 15 or 16 that I was gay, but it was something that up until the age of about 21 I basically just ignored - I basically just thought the future me would deal with it. But ignoring it could only go on for so long - like mbanema - it started to have real affects on my life. I started to distance myself slowly from friends, and with my family while we talked about all my siblings personal lives, I basically avoided opening up at all about my personal life so it is basically something that has really never been discussed, and even if they asked I basically brushed off the question, so they have stopped asking at all. Basically the longer I ignored it, the more I drifted away from those closest to me, something which I didn't like.

    So it basically came more to the forefront of my mind over the last few years, unavoidably so really - it is almost impossible to just essentially ignore such a large part of who you are - until thinking about being gay, coming out etc is now basically always at the forefront of my mind no matter what I am doing - and that is pretty darn mentally pretty tiring. I can't think of a time recently when I have had even a moment rest from these things being in my mind.

    But the funny and somewhat ironic thing is that the more that I think about all of these things, the harder I actually feel it is for me to come out - such that as time passes I feel it will actually become harder for me to come out, not easier, which is somewhat counter-intuitive - I will just become more entombed in my own mind and thoughts instead of actually living in reality, and the longer that happens and the more I think about it, the bigger deal it seems to become and the less comfortable I become with being gay, and hence the less comfortable I become with the idea of properly coming out.

    I think what I basically need is more of a "F*** it" attitude.
     
  18. PatrickUK

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    It seems to me that coming out is seen as a kind of ritualistic process that we must go through with anyone and everyone we meet, but I really don't think it needs to be like that at all. In fact, I think by 'coming out' we unwittingly turn it into a big deal. Do straight people sit their parents, siblings and friends down and make the big announcement that they are straight? NO, of course they don't, because it's perfectly normal to be straight... but it's not abnormal to not be straight. For God's sake, let's always remember that. We are normal, lovely human beings with a lot to give and share with the world and the closet is a dark, horrible place that clouds our rainbow.

    The last person I 'came out' to was a very good straight friend. I'd already had the big chat with my parents and sister and now it was his turn. He was really cool about it, except for one thing... that I had actually 'come out' to him. He challenged me about it and said that it was so unnecessary to go through a process that he would never even have to consider. He made me realise that I had turned it into an issue and made myself seem strange and different by sitting him down for a big announcement.

    So now, I don't 'come out' at all. I speak about my sexuality with the same indifference as straight people, by just dropping it into conversation. So if I happened to be talking about holiday plans to a new acquaintance I'd maybe casually mention my partners name and say how he (rather than she) is picking up tickets etc. No big deal and no fuss, and in most cases the conversation just continues quite normally as though I'd not even mentioned it all. Of course, it does register, but not with the great fanfare of coming out.

    So, Bluebird, maybe you are right about having a "F*** it" attitude. Maybe we all need to think the same way and just stop coming out. Do we really need to go through that coming out ritual? Do we really need to put ourselves through that and heap pressure on ourselves? Do we, as my friend said, need to make ourselves look strange and different?

    Our sexuality is not our only defining characteristic. It's not what makes us (but it can break us) and I think it's about time we started to realise that. We ourselves, are making it into a big deal and other people are feeding on that big deal too.

    What does everyone think? Time to stop the coming out thing?
     
  19. YaraNunchuck

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    Hmmm. This is unusual. I think probably for most people, it gets easier as time goes on. What might be the case is that you're working yourself up into a lather of frustration or negative emotion, and that your inner mental processing is just wheel-spinning rather than actual forward movement. How many people are you out to? I think maybe if you're not already doing so, you should be hanging around other gay people of your own age in LGBT clubs etc.. I do think that the coming out process is not really purely intellectual; you need the experential and emotional dimension in order to associate coming out with positive emotion, like training Pavlov's dogs. Forget about thinking it all through for a while.
     
  20. Choirboy

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    Back to the original question, of how the closet changes you - our minds and out emotions are pretty complicated, and it's hard to hide just one aspect of your personality and emotional self, without burying other aspects along with it. When you're in the closet and hiding the fact that you're gay, you are unconsciously (or sometimes consciously), there are so many positive and wonderful aspects of your personality that you're hiding as well, without even knowing it.

    I was shocked at how much I changed once I started the whole process. I've taken the personality types quiz a few times over the last several months - you know, the one where you end up being and ISFJ or whatever - and since coming out more and more, my level of extroversion has changed dramatically, as have a few of the other rankings. Being in the closet DOES change you. But it's definitely reverseable.