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Newbie on all levels, starved for support.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Brave Prince, Mar 13, 2014.

  1. Brave Prince

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    Oh, this is scary...

    Not only is this my very first outreach beyond my 25 year marriage and more recent depression, but I really have no understand of message boards, if that's even the right term for what this is.

    Here goes...

    I had two boyfriends when my first son was born. All three relationships were deep, emotional and heartfelt. I've never been inclined to just fuck anyone. I was 17. One compassionate and quiet boyfriend was 21. The other a well educated entrepreneur was 29. My wife (to be, eventually) was 27. I was honest with her about my boyfriends, and she accepted me into a marriage even after I told her I'd want to continue my other relationships.

    Even so I've never been unfaithful to her but once with the entrepreneur. He was on his second marriage and his only son was still quite young. We decided that our lust and emotional bonds were too powerful and would destroy both our marriages. We parted ways graciously and haven't spoken since. My wife suspects, but the endless unfaithfulness inside my head has been far more damaging anyway.

    Our fourth child was born 2 months after I turned 22. I interpreted my wife's (surrogate mother's) jealously and steely controls over our relationship as a compliment; because it felt better than admitting I was using her to escape the shame of loving everyone I see, and the guilt of using her to run from unprocessed molestations and narcissistic parents. She had a plan, and I was a fugitive from myself, so I followed along as best I could between angry outbursts of suppressed emotion on both sides. The results are stellar. We have a picture perfect, model family that is the prize of our small, conservative community.

    I was always attracted to my wife sexually, intellectually and philosophically. I also learned to love her in ways I wasn't good at in the beginning, but she doesn't trust it or feel it. She once loved me too, but she no longer feels that either. I don't know the last time we had sex. I count it in years now. I wasn't the one who cut us off. She was molested and emotionally dominated as a child too, and it's been easy to blame her lack of interest on my bisexuality.

    She's an amazing woman, and like most women, ever so much more mature than I. My heart pours out with gratitude towards her for the joys and blessings she has added to my life that I alone could never have imagined or created. Since we are both so devoted to our children, staying together evolved into a fallback position. At her expense, I thought I had escaped the ravages or necessity of coming out.

    We were comfortable in our misery until a mid-life crisis came calling for me.

    In the early years, without a college education, I had to bloom where I was planted. I went from a busser to a veteran corporate general manager with national awards. Like the noble hero, I built a nice, solid self-confidence through my job. One debilitating stroke in the higher ranks, followed by a little corporate reshuffling during a recession, and my lucrative 24 year career came crashing down. No financial disaster, just the loss of my balls.

    I make folks comfortable. So comfortable that most new acquaintances tell me they thought I was gay at first meeting. We don't talk about it, but my kids won't be surprised, and neither will anyone else if I just come out. No job, no education, no sex, no balls, no secrets, nothing to prove, no homelessness, no surprise. There's really no reason for me not to come out, but it seems in the end that only this relentless depression will make me do it. There's just no where left to hide.

    I've so long been letting my wife tell me what to do, just to keep me grounded and sane, that I have no idea how to honor myself and empty the closet. I have this major urge to ask someone to tell me what to do, but that's irresponsible and repetitive.

    But with every passing year, I feel more alone. This generally energetic, congenial optimist found himself contemplating suicide just so I wouldn't have to fail the world any further by being myself. That woke me up a little.

    I was hoping someone outside my head could sit beside me as I sort through what's going on inside my head. I'm a fucked up mess who's pretty much drowning in that fourth stage of loss. If there is anyone willing to help me jump what seems like a deadly chasm from depression to acceptance, I could use a hand.

    And a few pointers navigating this site would be a might appreciated too.

    Whoever built this place rocks. I knew I wasn't actually alone, but I am around here. Thanks also to the folks whose forum's I read before writing this. Your candor and grace relaxed me off my anxiety a little.

    BPC
     
  2. ukguy

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    Hello my friend - you can take it that we are here for you on this site. I would like to think about what you have written before responding more fully but I will say that there are many people on this site who have been through what you have experience and made it out the other side.
     
  3. farmgirl

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    Hi brave prince. Welcome. I am married as well. You were so young when u married! I was 18 when I met my husband. Maybe we were too young to settle down. Too young to really understand ourselves. My advice is to get into councelling. From your message your wife sounds very dominate and I wonder how you will be able to come to terms with yourself and ur desire to be with men while she controls things. Maybe a councillor can help you find confidence to go at it alone? Its what I'm hoping for in my life.
    I am new here as well so don't have much advice in regards to the message boards.
    I have struggled with depression as well. Its serious stuff please stay safe and call a hotline if u feel like u may hurt yourself. My therapist helped me a lot when she said 'suicide is a permanent solution to a tempory problem'. For me that was perspective.
     
  4. Brave Prince

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    I don't think I could ever truly take action to hurt myself, but the stray thoughts woke me up a bit. Your concern is appreciated, but don't be too alarmed.

    Marrying young...such a blessing and a curse. I've never been with any other woman than my wife. I was too young to grow up, if that makes sense. My wife provided me with safety; a true blessing. I could have really screwed my life up as a fiercely immature young adult. My parents divorced when I was young and both ran off to discover themselves; typical yuppies. I was literally raised by a small town - also a blessing, but not grounding.

    I'm working on a plan to take the reigns of my life. That's an overwhelming concept...

    Tell us a little about yourself. I'm curious about the farmgirl. I believe my daughter might be bisexual - so I'm looking for some conversation on that topic. It's even better if it helps you to talk too.
     
  5. farmgirl

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    I have been married for 20 plus years with hubby since I was 18. I grew up in a very small town where women married and had children. If the did go to school after highschool Manny never developed a career. I was exactly the same! I chose a career that could work around family, found a boyfriend got married. I thought it was normal for woman to fantasize about other women. If I ever met a gay person growing up I didn't know they were gay. People just didn't discuss that type of thing.
    I have decided to label myself as bi as I am married and love my husband. As time goes on I wonder if that lable is just another stop on the denile train. I have never even kissed a girl so I wonder how it would be possible to know for sure if I was bisexual or a lesbian.
    Its been a few years since I told my husband. Things are still stressful in the relationship and I do my best to keep him updated about what is happening in my councelling.
     
  6. Brave Prince

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    Just switched my 'label' to Married Gay instead of bisexual. For me, there were two deciding factors. 1) I am excited instinctually about men; no thought, just a physical reaction. For my wife, it's a mood, or a process. You know how women say they need a bunch of mental stimulation and foreplay to arouse the hormones and get off - well that's how it is with my wife. 2) My wife feels it. There is no question that I love my wife, but she comes away feeling unsatisfied, unrelished, undesired. It's a subtle thing, but I know there is no way any man I was with could ever feel that way. He would know!

    However, it isn't necessary to know. In my opinion, you need to know if you want to stay married to your husband, and that is it. It is unfair of you to seek other relationships while in a relationship. Something in the human psyche just can't handle that. It's too disrespectful of our deep addictions to security and trust. Your husband deserves your choice. So the question is, if you give up attractions to others to honor him, will he forever feel irreparably separate from you? You know the answer inside you somewhere, because you are, or will forever be, the one giving or sparing him that feeling.

    I needed to say that for my sake. I hope it helps you too.
    BPC.