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Soul Searching

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by allnewtome, Mar 14, 2014.

  1. allnewtome

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    I've always been a deep thinker, one who explores all the options and try's to look at situations from all angles. This is a mentality that has served me well in business but has been torturous hell in other areas of my life.

    From relationships to theology to the more pressing issue of my sexuality I've had the cycle of analyzing, reanalyzing and over analyzing these things from every angle again and again.

    With things like theology through maturity or whatnot I came to the conclusion that sometimes there just aren't concrete answers to things, there will be unknown elements in the world...mysteries of the world if you will, things that have been discussed through out the ages and personal faith aside will continue to be discussed for all eternity as the likelihood of concrete answers is essentially nil. If you spent everyday debating within yourself something such as whether or not there is a god you'd likely drive yourself insane. I was...until I came to the realization that there may be, there may not be but I'm never going to know for certain and with that my life was able to move past the issue.

    If only sexuality was so simple for me. I live in a world of absolutes, I run business where they sink or swim often depending on absolutes...this constant inner argument of Am I? Aren't I? What am I? Who am I? Is a vicious insanity inducing cycle.

    Rationally, objectionably and logically I say to myself what does it really matter? Get out there, explore, experience, live your life and go out into the world and find real love. But, there is always a roadblock I seem to put in place to stop the rational and logical thought process and continue the cycle.

    Rationally, objectionably and logically I also recognize how I'd view the situation, the evidence if you will from an outside perspective as if it was all occurred by someone else.

    1: from a very young age often thought about male on male sex and relationships. My Gi Joes and wrestling action figures had sex and relationships in my childhood imaginative world.

    2: I over idolized certain males from a young age. I still recall when I was I under ten seeing a sixteen year old boy with a died streak in his hair and black leather jacket and being totally jaw droppingly taken aback. I was very into shows like 90210 and would think, talk obsessively about how "cool" Dylan was or Kelly's boyfriend Collin or Brian Austin Green as he transitioned and aged around the same point as me. Even with athletes my favourites always led to how they combed their hair or looked more so then ability.

    3: While I found certain girls attractive it was always much more to do with the standards I felt from the world around me then any sort of arousal. Arousal would come occasionally but generally only after forming some sort of emotional bond with a woman.

    4: Through out close relationships with woman I always found myself very jealous when they had a boyfriend, that jealousy was less to do with them being someone then it was the fact that I had to see them in a relationship/treated in a way that I longed to be.

    5: From the age of sexual exploration all of my "habits" typically revolved around "homosexual" activities. For as long as I can remember my sexual fantasies have been almost exclusively about men. If women are involved at all they still generally involve a man.

    6: Often during intercourse with women, I've envisioned either being with a man or being in the "woman"s" role during the act.

    7: I've constantly turned to porn, chat or Internet cruising of a gay manner. This has amped up during periods of depression and periods of staleness within relationships.

    8: Even in relationships with women where I truly felt I was in love I always felt as though something was missing and I felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness.

    Looking through lists such as that my sexuality becomes crystal clear to me but yet for some reason something will always pop into my head to restart all of the insane questioning. It's frustrating...beyond frustrating and I am hopeful that at some point it will come to an end. I long for that day.
     
  2. greatwhale

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    Up until the 1860's or so, there were no officially (i.e. by experts, so-called) recognized categories for sexuality. People just did what comes naturally and acted on it, or hid it if it was not socially sanctioned.

    People had same-sex relations then went on to marry, or not. It happened because sex is a force of nature and it will have its way, regardless of what we call it.

    Without these categories, would you be so anguished about what to call yourself?
     
  3. allnewtome

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    No absolutely not, that's been my idea of the "perfect" world, to just live and date whoever with it being a non issue to all.

    I feel like I'm getting to the point of acceptance-finally..hopefully anyways. I feel like the typical kid with a conscience who tells his parents a lie and the guilt of that lie builds and builds within them until they can't take it and come clean, except I've been telling myself the lie.
     
  4. StillAround

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    Your description was me until 7 weeks ago. 56 years of not accepting who I was, of convincing myself I could find happiness with a woman. Married twice--I love my wife and care for her deeply, but it was never right.

    I couldn't live comfortably in my own skin until I accepted myself, and I regret waiting so long.

    When you're ready to accept your sexuality, or when you simply don't care about the labels anymore, you'll be ready to move on.

    /Ed. (*hug*)