Wind Knocked Out of My Sails

Sounds to me like the shock has worn off and the true reaction is out. I'm afraid I have seen this a little bit. I had full support when I told my husband and a couple of months later we are separating. If you aren't informed how can you prepare for a party. We all have forgotten to charge our phones before. Being gay does not influence you being a good parent. She is angry and looking for anything to say she is a better parent. She is hurt. All of this is natural and hopefully if you can keep your cool will pass. She is grieving for a relationship that is no longer there and is angry. You have been honest and that's fantastic. In the long run she will see that hopefully. Me and my husband have been so angry with each other but are now coming through it. Hopefully we can keep things amicable for the children. It's early days and things are complicated and fragile but we are on the same page at the moment. Give her time to catch up with you. You have had longer to accept who you are. If in time she is still giving you grief then I'm afraid you will have to sort it out legally I guess. I really hope you can sort things out amicably though. You have been honest and these events are not your fault. Just keep being the person you are. Take care. (*hug*)

 

I'll try and tackle things in reverse order.

First, the issue of your former friend revealing to your soon-to-be ex-wife that you questioned your sexuality somewhat in high school. To me this isn't that big of a deal. It can be hard for straight people to understand, but for many LGBT people there are two things that keep us in the closet. The first is fear of the repercussions of coming out - both the real consequences as well as the imagined consequences. The second is the lack of an environment that allows us to question and explore our sexuality (which can come about for many different reasons). I've never encountered a single instance or case where an LGBT person actively wanted to live a lie, there was always something external (either real or imagined) that prevented them from being truthful. In some cases, due to a lack of ability to even explore the possibility that they might be straight, they might not even know themselves.

This is difficult for straight people to understand. Your situation is further complicated by the fact that your soon-to-be ex might not want to understand. She might only want to believe a certain thing (namely that you knowingly mislead her, and therefore she's the victim and you're the villain), and as a result there might not be anything you can say to change her mind. At least for now.

It's also not that relevant, to be a bit blunt about it. It's not something that you should lose sleep over. All you can do is honestly explain the situation to her, and if she doesn't choose to accept it - then there isn't much you can do about it. It's simply something you'll have to tolerate for the time being, and ideally correct when it is proper to do so.

Second, is the issue of the birthday celebration. It's somewhat hard to give advice here because I don't know the entire story. However, from reading what you wrote it sounds like your wife decided to plan a birthday celebration and not inform you. As a result, you show up empty handed and look bad. That's not to say that she plotted and schemed for it to happen, but people - especially in situations like this - can act subconsciously in ways to sabotage one another. This is an issue of not communicating plans, and whoever planned the celebration is responsible because they were not communicating.

Third, this is the real issue - the accusation that somehow you're a bad father because she couldn't reach you on your cell phone, and as a result she wants to revisit mediation about your "ability to be responsible for the children". First of all, let me say that this accusation is ridiculous on it's face. By her standards every single parent who raised children before the invention of cell phones - or indeed, the telephone itself - was horribly irresponsible. Furthermore, it reflects poorly on her, because the underlying issue at hand is the accusation that she needs you in order to properly parent, and if you aren't available she for some reason cannot manage. Now, I'm sure she's perfectly capable of handling virtually any situation on her own, but in order for it to be an issue that would have to not be true. She's looking to nitpick, and she's looking for some reason to find fault in you. This is just one example, out of the many I'm sure she's actively looking to find.

I also want to address the "off being gay" comment she made. First of all, this is clearly derogatory. As if being gay was something you need to sneak off in the middle of the night to do when hopefully no one was looking. This is just false. Being gay isn't something you do - it's something that you are. As a result you're "being gay" right now. You were "being gay" from the moment you were born, the day that you gave your marriage vows to her, throughout your entire marriage, while driving down the road, and sitting across the table from her in mediation. There is no point in time in which you are not gay - past, present, or future - because it's not something you do - it's something that you are.

Out of all the things that you've written here, I don't see how you are at fault for any of it based on what you've written. As a result, there is no need to beat yourself up. This type of thing is common in divorce, where one or both people feel the need to find fault in the other and attack.

The best advice I can give you is to be compassionate with yourself. It's easy to beat yourself up, and find fault in your own actions. It's easy to take it to heart, and even start to believe it. However, just because we believe or feel something doesn't make it true. Try to look at the facts, embrace that truth, and be forgiving toward yourself is the best thing you can do. It will help you heal, and it will help you endure this situation. In time the situation with your wife will pass. A new normal will set in and the anger she feels will fade - if not vanish entirely, as the anger is a result of grief. Being compassionate toward yourself will allow you to deal with her more fairly, and try to find forgiveness toward her in the future once the difficult time you are now enduring has passed.

The worst thing you can do is to take this negativity into yourself, and accept ownership of something that doesn't belong to you. Not only will that ultimately cause you unnecessary pain, but it will also make it more difficult to eventually find a way to reconcile with your soon-to-be ex-wife at some point in the future once this very difficult stage has passed.

 

Hmmm...she'll have to take care of the kids not being gay...and you maintain she's not homophobic?? I can't put that together. She thinks she has that kind of power? She's delusional (as well as homophobic).

To what extent can you let these things roll off you? They are not about you. They are about her. She has issues...and they are her issues. I know it's easier said than done...but there's no reason you should feel obligated to internalize this crap she's trying to lay on you.

 

Holy crap, do you think my ex has been giving yours lessons on how to handle this???

Oh yes, that is a cute one: not informing you of things, then blaming you for the inevitable cock-up that ensues, passive-aggressive much?

Oh, of course she isn't homophobic, but she'll get her little homophobic digs in anyway as a means to hurt you, or rather: guilt you.

Do not let this sway you, stick to your existing arrangements and do not accept lame-ass excuses as a phone whose battery has died for making changes to your agreements. She is still expecting to have you there at her beck and call. She needs to realize things have changed.

 

I see grief here, and a whole lot of bait.

Let me know if I am off the mark.

I'm guessing that your wife likes to have a little turmoil floating around in her life, just to keep things interesting. Sounds like she can generate a pretty good, or bad, fight. You've probably been enabling her in this for years. If that sounds like a surprise, just remember that she probably knew you were gay. The human mind is a supercomputer and it knows lots of stuff we won't admit. So, just like she had all the clues, even if she's all in shock and awe now, you must have been aware that you were feeding what sounds like a drama addiction.

I say that because all three situations you describe are designed to lure you back into engagement with her plan instead of yours. You took action to end the façade and taking your own path. You weren't supposed to do that and now she has a big hole where much of her drama used to go.

It sounds odd, but we actually grieve the loss of our pain outlets, especially if we are making love to them (figuratively and literally). So what do we do, we set out bait traps to keep those outlets engaged. More mediation = more time to screw with the situation = more pain = more dramatic payoff. No communication = angry reactions = more dramatic payoff. Gossip with mutual friends = pain for you = more dramatic payoff.

If she got you to bite the bait (snark in front of others, look like the bad guy, show frustration, feel depressed) then her rules of engagement are in control. The rule with pot stirrers is to disengage.

I'm not suggesting you turn off your emotions and stop yourself from feeling the reality of the situation. Just do that on your own time - here in the EC or where you are safe. I'm suggesting that you take the high road, not because you are the bigger person, but because it is the only road that will remove her ability to play on her terms.

Your terms, as long as they have merit, need to prevail. It's in her best interest too.

I'm not particularly good at standing up straight after being kicked in the gut either, but I know that bullies really like to see you suffering. Don't give her the satisfaction.

Take care, we're thinking of you.
BPC

 

can't add much here beyond what's already been so well stated by others, just know that I'm behind you, respect and admire you, and have every confidence that you will show not only her but your children that you are a decent, honorable and trustworthy man and that whom you love is irrelevant to any of that.

-rick

 

Tim,

After reading all the previous replies to your thread, I got nothing. Nothing but echoes of everything they've said. Lots of wise people here, Tim.

And we're all here for you. Lean on us.

/Ed. (*hug*)

 

I know she is feeling hurt and frightened but her actions are ridiculous. The father of my children walked away when they were 4 and 1 years old, we didn't hear from him for over 7 years. I am always stunned by people who don't see how very lucky they are to be able to parent as a team after a relationship ends.

Not much to add but i will echo what others have said, don't let her bitterness and spite infect you. Sending good thoughts your way.

 

I could not agree or neither add more after reading through their responses. Just know that you are not alone with such struggles. Don't let it all get into you...

 

Hi,

I love my wife. Just not passionately

 

I'm with you guys. I love my wife, too. But, for all of us here, that just isn't enough.

 

Maybe our wives reflexively accept the position of 'controller over the husband' because the position of 'center of his universe' is not available...

 

WOW. That one knocked the wind out of MY sails. How totally, shockingly true. Thanks for that, Brave Prince. That really took my breath away!

And Tim, nothing much I can say except I hope this passes as quickly as it appeared. There is nothing just or fair about what you are being put through....