How did you feel in the closet

I am still very new to the accepting of all of this and still fairly closeted. For me it's been that any attraction to women has been vastly different then the attraction my brothers and friends seemed to have.

That even in the few relationships I've had where I felt love once the euphoria of "I found someone" began to settle I always had a sense of loneliness/a sense of something missing to make me whole. On some level I've always known, the sex was okay to very good but even then I would often get to the feeling of something missing.

Sex in general is a confusing thing-our bodies react to pleasure/stimulation even many abuse and rape victims report arousal and orgasm which causes a lot of problems but in no way defines their feelings on the experience.

I thought of women outside the relationship but that was predominantly women I'd known through work etc and usually it was "I wonder if it would all be different if I was with them rather then my girlfriend or wife". My sexual fantasies have been almost exclusively geared towards men.

 

Hi,

Tis is very complex and unque to each.

Will post later.

Tom

 

I knew I was far, far (FAR FAR FAR) more attracted to men than women, but the combination of a rather repressed upbringing (very late to understand sexuality in general), insecurity and discomfort with gay stereotypes, and the desire for kids, made me decide I was better off in the closet. Over the years I've convinced myself that I was confused and in denial, but the more I look back on it, by the time I got involved with the woman I married eventually, I knew perfectly well that I was gay and just wasn't comfortable with it.

I did not fantasize about women sexually. Ever. I WAS convinced initially that I just hadn't found "the right girl", and when we got together, sex was not a problem and we did just fine for several years. But that was when the realization started creeping in that we didn't have the emotional connection that I had hoped we would have, and eventually I figured out that the problem was far less any of the more challenging aspects of her personality--we all have them, after all, and we learn to deal with them in the people we love--it was just that I wasn't capable of forging that kind of a bond with a woman.

The notion of "finding the right girl" and the desire for a "normal" hetero family did make me decide that perhaps I was bi. I'm with you when you say that the feelings that other guys seem to have towards girls are not the same as your own feelings. That was a huge clue that, at the very least, I wasn't 100% straight. But realistically, although I could perform (literally) with my wife, every real crush I have ever had was on a guy, and every time I imagine a future with someone I love it's always with a guy. It's my normal and it's how I'm wired.

---------- Post added 16th Mar 2014 at 11:04 AM ----------

WilliamP, I read over your earlier post, and while I'm no expert on bisexuality or any of the other variations, it sounds like your situation is more complicated than just being gay OR straight. One thing that you said, I think about sex with your fiancée, that you seem to be focused more on the "end goal" than anything else, would make me think that at the very least, you need to consider evaluating yourself more before you get married. Your sexuality sounds rather fluid and changing, and it's something you may want to understand better before you commit to one person. A bit part of "The Closet" is feeling that we need to fit into the expectations that we and others have set for ourselves in terms of who we choose to have relationships and sex with. Your sexuality may be very confusing to you, but trying to nail it down to one thing or another may not be healthy either. Calling yourself straight when you're not is one kind of closet, but calling yourself gay when you might be something else isn't any better. You owe it to understand it better before you try to make another person a permanent part of your life.

 

I never got married so I don't have real experience with that, but what always came to mind when thinking about some women who I got along well with was how much more attracted I would be to their male relatives/friends. I couldn't go into a relationship with a woman knowing how much more I'd want to be with her hot brother or friend or whoever. Of course straight guys can fall into a similar situation with other women, but I think it's harder if a person is married to the wrong gender.

I hope you can figure out for sure if you are ready to spend your life with this woman and can be truly sexually attracted to her. Read the posts on here of all the failed marriages and how much turmoil people have endured and learn from their experiences if possible. I wish all the best to you

 

I never fantasised being with a woman ever, only a man

With me, I would constantly fantasise but that seemed enough for me, I could control it, but every six months or so I would hit breaking point, I felt like a champagne bottle about to burst... In the end it got too much and I exploded and told every one I was gay..

 

Thank you choirboy, that was helpful to me as well.

WilliamP, the fact that you are on this site probably means that marrying this girl right now is not fair or considerate to either of you, at least for now. Mnboy is right; study some our struggles for later life married gays. It only gets more complicated if you involve a woman before you think it out fully.

Years ago, wanting families, Aids, lack of support and public derision were all prevalent enough to closet many of us out of fear. Today, your options are greatly more varied. Just think it through, just in vase this girl you love might end up paying for any late self discovery.

Several have commented about a lack of fantasies with women. Consider that if your fantasies are about penetration, you could fantasize about anyone because the theybare not they object of the turn on; the act itself is. It's possible to have sexual distancing no matter your orientation. Any young couple needs to consider their motives for marrying.

Some define love as the ability to prevent your broken pieces from breaking others...

 

Hi,

My variation of the closet...

I started with strip poker at age ten. That moved into strip poker with penalties. Penalties were pretty good so we stopped playing poker and stuck with the penalties.

By the time I was 13 I met my first friend that would be my partner for 15 years. I was 18 when the realization hit me, dawn fell on Marblehead, that I LOVED him. We were alys together, never argued, just enjoyed life. In hindsight anybody with half a brain would have known we were more than best friends, but we were naive enough to believe that since we were masculine gays, into living and not into the gay scene nobody would know. We were very, very happy together. I measure all relationships by that one. (Most likely a handicap at this point).

So time happily passed. Double income, no kids, beach house, cabin cruiser (small cottage, older boat, we rebuilt each). Then it happened... His mother pressured him. He never told me at the time, I only learned much later on. I have never learned the exact nature of the pressure but one day when we were 28 he told me "I am not gay" and he moved out. I tried any number of naive things to win him back but he treasured protecting his closet over me. I was ready to come out then.

Next guy lasted about 3 years. He could not reconcile his feelings for me and the expectations and pressures of family and his police chief father.

I KNEW I was gay, but I also KNEW I needed a stable relationship. I thought possibly gay men could not have a stable relationship. I only had my limited experience to go by. No gay role models, no gay masculine mentors too look to... I met a girl, I loved her and hoped HOPED passion would follow with time.

Naive!! So f@cking naive.

Kids came along quickly and my duty to child trapped me till they were young adults.

So here I am now at 56 returning to gay life. The gay man capable of a stable relationship is just as elusive but I know he is out there. My best friend is gay and he gives me hope. He is partnered and married but he is the the type of man I need to find. He cannot be unique in all of gay culture, just rare.

It takes a special kind of man not to pick up emotional battle scars being gay.

Did I ever fantasize about woman. No. But I did not fantasize about men as I had a partner my whole young adult life. He was there so no fantasy necessary.

I always knew I was gay. I just wanted a stable relationship.

Tom

 

WilliamP, until you sort out your sexuality it really isn't fair or honest to your fiancée. I made the mistake of being in denial about being gay. It cost me my best friend. Please be sure about this before you get married.

 

I didn't know I was in the closet I liked making out with girls but anything further grossed me out but I do remember being extremely homophobic making it clear to everyone how gross I thought it was which is weird because they say closeted gays are homophobic and I was I remember my first crush on my best friend we acted so gay towards each other I wanted to hook up with her so bad because of the tension between us but it never happened I didn't think too much about my sexuality then until I got inmy last heterosexual relationship ever the sex is definitely an indication I knew my sex life with men was just mediocre but I thought it was because I wasn't finding the right guy that knew what would get me going but when I was with this guy I ended up crushing on this girl that was attractive and sporty I remember being so happy when I was on the phone with her to the point that I felt guilty about it because my boyfriend was there and so I would be afraid of my feelings and say to myself no you're in a relationship with a guy so I'd stop myself it wasn't until we broke up that I hooked up with this girl drunk one night and she was more experienced than I was and it felt like the best sex I have ever had and I knew at that point that I was gay and it didn't bother me what confused me is that I thought it was a phase but ten years later I feel the same

---------- Post added 16th Mar 2014 at 04:17 PM ----------

Bottom line for me was sex is more pleasurable with same gender and emotionally satisfying where as with men it's hard to have feelings behind it and it's just fucking each other

 

In my case, my wife knowing I had boyfriends before we got married has not changed the end result. In fact, I think it fed her self esteem problems. What a woman will tolerate with a brain full of new love hormones is not the same as what she'll tolerate five years into marriage.

Also, the common thought out there is that same sex attraction is a choice. My wife assumed it was an experimental phase. I didn't want to be gay, so I told myself it was a phase too.

Be cautious if your fiancé is a people pleaser or a bleeding heart for the underdog. That kind of kindness doesn't usually last all the way through a marriage.

 

I innocently entered the closet. I knew that I was only interested in guys but became convinced through church influence that it was an abomination. This ultimately occurred after my boyfriend of a couple months broke up with me when I was about 20 because of these BS church reasons. I didn't understand the relationship, but thought it was just some inappropriate fascination. It wasn't until much later I realized I loved him. It's been 25 years, and I still miss him.

After that, I deliberately changed my thinking and went straight. I kept my eyes down, and obsessively controlled my every thought. I accidentally (I swear) fanticized about a guy one time during sex with my wife and it was all downhill from there. It was the first crack in the dam. Sex was always a challenge for me. Most of the time I would rather not. Seldom there was passion, but occasionally there was some.

Since I became sexually aware, I never once fanticized about a girl. I'd TRY to, but it never really stuck, so I'd focus on the physical act and concentrate real hard.

So, my three decades in the closet were very, very difficult, and because if it I fear I'm permanently scarred. That's a lot of deprivation from anything real and a whole lot of self hatred for being such an abomination.

 

I know that I loved the woman I was married to and she knew I was bi. But there was no man in our marriage so I was not happen sexually as I would of liked to me. Now that we are over and I finally faced my love for men, I feel free. Like a key to a cage, I am free. I don’t regret sex with my wife. She was great, but I rather be with a man more than a woman and not that I am out and free, I will be where I want to be. No regrets. Just free.

 

I was too afraid to come out and was in a relationship with a guy for 5 years. I was not attracted to men but I felt it was the normal thing to do. I come from a very religious family and grew up knowing that anything other than a man+woman was unheard of. Back when I was growing up there I don't remember it ever being mentioned and I always wondered why I liked girls. I am 38 now, I knew I was gay for a very very long time. I came out just last year (to my family) and their support has been great. Some have mixed feelings and wonder if I'm "really a lesbian" Some think I'm confused and how can they think for me? How can they ask if I'm sure :tantrum: ? Yes I am a lesbian and I am proud of who I am!

 

Well, it's nice that she's giving you time and space, but I'm afraid this isn't one you'll work out in your head.

Read peoples' experiences here...and tread *very* carefully when contemplating marriage. I applaud your thoughtfulness and honesty with your fiancée. Let that be the model you use when being honest and thoughtful with yourself.

I've spoken to a *lot* of bisexuals over the years, and I can say that the majority feel they can handle a commitment to one sex or the other...but as time goes by, they feel stronger and stronger urges toward what they don't have. *points to herself as a case in point* This is not universal...wouldn't pretend that it is...but it's common. It's just something to factor in...I was fine for years...so into my life with my partner and the fact that we didn't need men that my interest in men had no trouble at all sneaking up behind me and absolutely shrieking "boo!" (kinda embarrassing...fortunately, nobody else was around...'course nobody believes me either)

Anyway, just more stuff to think about. I'm sure you have plenty already.

 

Well, when in the internal closet, I fantasised about women exclusively, and still kind of do to be honest. But what made me realise I was gay was that not once when I have been in the street, have I ever laid eyes on a girl and got the same butterflies or rush that I got with guys. My personal feeling is that fantasy can be a culturally mediated deception. Who do you really notice on the street, or on TV?

I get the feeling you're bi, but you may need to discover exactly the topography of that bisexuality...

 

The only edit for my perspective was I knew I was in love with my boyfriend at 18 and he didn't leave me, I was "forced" to leave him and crawl back into the closet to stay in my parents' good graces to get through college. For me, it's been 23 years and I hope he has found happiness in his life, but I also know there was likely no real future for the two of us if we had ever had the chance and got beyond the initial romance stage of our 9-month relationship.

Now, regarding your fiancee and sorting out your sexuality... don't get married right now. Period. Been down that route; my wife is filing our joint petition for uncontested divorce today. We have two kids and a house. Everything is being upended because I couldn't bring myself to face reality for the past 23 years and hid my secret from her for the 19 years we've known each other. I'm still amazed that everyone I've come out to has been shocked/stunned/surprised that I'm gay; all these years I assumed I was so obviously gay but apparently not. The only clues my wife claims she had were the gay porn on our computer and the lack of interest in the bedroom. The first I explained away as a computer virus; the second she explained away as being in part my being shy and not initiating, and in part just a natural change in our relationship.

Talk to a therapist/counselor, talk to friends, go to group meetings, post and read heavily here on EC. If you're a spiritual person, pray, talk to a trusted pastor, or someone who shares your faith. Just be honest with yourself before you make promises you're not wired to be able to keep.

-Rick

 

Two words to describe how i felt then:

Paranoid
Depressed