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Breaking up is hard to do

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by SuperShy, Mar 17, 2014.

  1. SuperShy

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    I am 38 and my relationship of 5 years just ended about 2 weeks ago. I am very much still in love with her but she chose to end it. Our relationship was very complicated from the start. We met at work, she was a manager and I was new. For me it was love at fist
    sight. It took a year before we became a couple. She was married to a man. I knew she was married but I didn't care at that point. Our relationship was so wonderful. She made work so fun and exciting. For 3 years we were ok. We'd hang out and talk and text day
    and night. The problems began as I became more attached to her. There was a point where I needed some kind of commitment from her but she was too scared to leave her husband and the life she had. No one in her family knew about me, I was a secret and after a while I wanted more. I needed her to acknowledge that we were together but she refused. We began to fight constantly because I was now jealous of the time she spent with her husband. The wonderful relationship became intense, filled with constant arguments and shouting matches. She got tired of my jealousy and my pushing her to acknowledge me in some way and me pressuring her to make some kind of decision. She did, she chose to stay with her husband. I feel like a chunk of my heart was ripped from me and I can't seem to find my place. I don't know where to go from here. For 5 years we were inseparable and now nothing. She doesn't text at all, no emails nothing. I am a very shy person and making friends, meeting people is so difficult. I feel I will never find someone. They say there someone for everyone and that you'll find them eventually. For so long I thought I found her. Now I don't know how to move on. For now I'm taking it one day at a time.
     
  2. greatwhale

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    It must be quite hard to bear the kind of pain you are feeling. Here's a thought, however: what "they say" is rather incorrect, there is no "one" for someone, there are may "ones", many people who can be compatible with you. If there were only "one" for somebody, statistics would indicate that the probability of finding that one person would be practically impossible.

    From what you wrote, what hurts is not letting go of her, what appears to hurt more is coming back to the difficulty of having to meet new people and of being a bit rootless after ending a fairly stable arrangement, which is what you had with her: an arrangement and an affair that suited her more than it suited you.

    Taking it one day at a time is exactly the right thing to do. That and letting yourself be open to new possibilities...I wish you the best of luck (which is what finding and maintaining a stable relationship is all about, essentially).
     
  3. Penpal

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    Oh bless you, you really are having a tough time. You are clearly grieving for your ex. That will take time. It sounds like she was not prepared to come out. Maybe time apart will make her rethink that but you can't put your life on hold waiting for her. Concentrate on yourself, get some help with your shyness and the rest will follow. If you can, do some nice things for yourself. All this is easier said than done and when you love someone it is so difficult to let them go no matter what they have done to you. I was advised to write a letter to get all my feelings out. It works for some people apparently. Take care of yourself and keep posting as it is good to share. (*hug*)
     
  4. Anthemic

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    I know how you must feel. I felt the exact same way when I met my ex-girlfriend. I thought she was perfect for me. We were great until she started going back to church. Her religion disapproved of same-sex love and she decided to end our relationship. Even though she decided to end our relationship as a couple, she still wanted a sexual relationship. That ended after about two months because she started to feel extremely guilty. We started to fight more, and she became very bitter and jealous. The fights and jealousy lasted for about two years and I finally decided to stop speaking to her.

    I used to think she was the one for me and that I'd never find anyone like her. But I was very wrong. See, she was very controlling and we had little in common. A few years later I met someone, and I know for a fact that she is the love of my life. She's always there for me, we have everything in common (except for relationship roles), she's the most generous person I've ever met, and I can't imagine life without her. It took me two years to get over my ex, and I didn't think it was possible.

    You need to find someone who is willing to make sacrifices for you. Someone who will choose you over all others. The woman you love right now is not that person. And I promise, with time, you will move on.
     
  5. LostInside

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    I think that if you still care for this woman you two should at least talk about the relationship and find out her reasons for choosing her husband. If you were together for 5 years i think you each deserve a last chance to really talk. Set ground rules; no yelling, let the other person finish what they are saying etc. Maybe she really does love you, but is too afraid to give up her married life and made the safe decision.

    Sorry if i am way off base here. Just my opinion.

    Or has she made it clear that she will never leave her husband for you? If so, then I'm sorry
     
    #5 LostInside, Mar 18, 2014
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2014
  6. SuperShy

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    Yes she was clear that she can't talk to me anymore. She said the past 5 years she neglected her other relationships because of me and now she wants to repair those and talking to me won't help.
     
  7. LostInside

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    Wow, I'm really sorry. That must feel horrible. You deserve to be with someone who will love you back the same way you love them. At least now you know what her real feelings are and you can move on with your life once you are over her and find someone who wants to be with you 100% and not just when it's convenient for them.