The quest for self-forgiveness

This was me....I knew I liked guys, but I did fall in love with my wife, and the sex was frequent, albeit rather unimaginative (to my way of thinking, at least) for the first several years, before dwindling down into an occasional duty fuck.

My wife has her own share of mental and emotional scars that I did not create. Some of them actually made her MORE attractive to me in the beginning, but have gradually worn me out because she keeps using them as an excuse for never growing as a person. I do feel some guilt and responsibility for that, because she might have been very different if she had married a straight guy who had actually been emotionally available to her.

But the bottom line is....she didn't. She married someone who she perceived as safe and caring and any number of things, and she chose to stick with me for 20 years even though it was pretty clear by the 10-year mark that something was very off between us. Some of the men here have commented that their wives were totally taken aback at hearing that they were gay. Others, like mine, were not, and it just confirmed many suspicions she already had, even if she was most certainly NOT happy to know that she was right, after all.

I definitely have had some bad moments in the past months since I told her, more centered around the kids, since I know that when the time comes that we do actually split the household up, they will have to adjust to many things that I wish they didn't have to. What I'm trying to do in my own head is make this more about my own personal responsibility to make things RIGHT, than about beating myself up for doing things WRONG. Our household certainly has more communication in general than it did before I told my wife I was gay back in September. We are not necessarily better adjusted as a family, but we're less likely to hide from one another. I am less of a doormat for my wife, and she is making at least some initial attempts at being more self-sufficient. The girls have many of the same issues with their mother that most teenage girls do, and the ones that are unique to my wife and her quirks are still there, but because I don't look on her as much as the enemy, we are better able to talk about some of the challenges of raising a couple kids into decent adults.

I'd be lying if I said it was easy and there haven't been any challenges. Last night I told her that I had finally come clean to our 13-year-old and I could feel a little tension in the conversation that followed. But she then pointed out in her nagging control-freak way that "Now you need to work on telling your family," as if she needed to tell me that!

When you married her, you made a decision that seemed to be right at the time. In fact, it probably didn't even FEEL like a decision. If you were like me, you were carried away by emotions that you mistook to be love--or, really, they WERE love, but not the kind of love that you could sustain over the long haul. Guilt is what we should feel for things we did, KNOWING that there was a good chance that someone would get hurt, but we did them anyway. Your marriage wasn't one of them. You went into it with the best of intentions, and they went horribly wrong. All you can do now it be kind and gracious and responsible, and prove by your actions TODAY that you know you hurt her, and you want to make things as right as you can. She may not come around--that is a possibility. But once there's some distance between the revelation and the aftermath, she may come to realize that you are the same person she loved, and outside of your sexuality, and the qualities that she appreciated years ago are still there, even if your attraction to once another isn't.

 

Spaceman, we are the same, only I'm newer in this process than you are. Went into marriage for the same reasons you describe. Same emotions boiling under the surface now that I've come clean. What helps me get past the self-loathing that sometimes creeps in is this: first, I was the primary cause of our marriage failing, but I had a willing accomplice in my wife; second, while we are both in pain now we have the rest of our lives to look forward to for finding real happiness.

Even before we had kids, my wife was unhappy that I never initiated intimacy, that was I distant to her after a few years of marriage. But she was willing to stay, telling herself that was the natural progression of marriages. I believe she got this message by the way her own parents interact. She had the opportunity to have an affair while traveling on business, but declined since we were planning to try having kids. Why was she interested in having kids with me when she was already unhappy?

Yes we've dealt our wives quite the emotional blow. For years they felt unloved, unwanted, unattractive, rejected. Now they know why. They carry the scars of years of their own self-doubt because we were emotionally unavailable to them. Add to that the scar that now they know the reason was they stayed in a relationship with a gay man. Why did they stay with us when we could not be the husband they needed? We know why we took the course we did, we know why we delayed coming clean as long as we did... we avoided conflict and denied ourselves in order to protect the people around us we care for from knowing our secret. We failed to live with integrity and now pay the price; but that is the past and cannot be changed. All we can do is remain true to our commitment as parents and look forward to the future and seek a true honest relationship.

-Rick

 

I read your whole initial post and I appreciate the sensitivity, thoughtfulness, and compassion you show. I understand how you are processing things this way. However, you did what you thought was right for you at the time. Many people have the resolve to get through a lot of difficult scenarios - a challenging work situation, a tough curriculum, an illness, or a marriage that isn't starting with all its oars in the water. You were and ARE one of those people with such resolve. It sounds like you fulfilled your duties as a husband and father and that, had you not been a good person, you wouldn't have attracted your wife and others in your life.

Life doesn't hand people guarantees and we can ask "what if" all day long. I do that, too, but with other life situations, and that's why I can relate to this. Not only that, I had more than one opportunity to do exactly what you and some of the others on Later in Life did, but I weighed the pros and cons, one particular developmental experience, the lack of pressure, and the more permissive culture of where I grew up and decided against it. For those I hurt in the short term, they are better off for not having gotten involved with me. However, you have to channel this guilt in some other manner. Part of it is that you may be being put through a guilt trip. In a situation like this, where the spouse has been blindsided, that is sort of understandable, but it doesn't make you a bad person. That's just how they are choosing to express their anger. In some marriages where the spouse responds with a shrug and a "we're going to keep it together anyway because the sex doesn't matter" attitude, the guys are probably having it less hard than you are, but they are also probably experiencing guilt. remorse, and doing the "what if" scenarios.

You can't change what has happened. In time, everyone involved will eventually process this and move on. It won't happen overnight. It could very well be that you might all be on better terms as time marches on. Have faith that you're a good person and that this will work out in the long term.

Again, I chime in on these posts and wonder if some other members are wondering "what the hell does he know?" since I haven't been through it, as is signing on the dotted line and letting the ink dry. But I have had my "close encounters" with this exact same issue and I understand it is a major deal. However, please keep your chin up and seek out the support resources that are available to you.

 

I've had my situation in the past where I felt I betrayed everyone in my life, lost their faith in me and started entertaining idea of suicide.

Yeah you made your own bed and now have to deal with it. You can give everything in your power, even your life to make things alright again...

On those days a wise man told me "You can't change the past but you can change future starting by today."

Things can change and in future you and her can become friends. Just keep a low profile until the dust settles. Give her time to collect herself and her thoughts. Never lost connection with her life.

Tomorrow is all about possibilities. Instead of self pity, putting salt on your wound, try to go forward.

Hugs,
Knightly

 

Where guilt is concerned, it's important to be precise and to delineate exactly what you are talking about (I guess that's why court cases are so exacting as well).

There are two things you might feel guilty about:

1) marrying her "knowing" you were attracted to men

2) ending the relationship

Let's address No. 1: how exactly did you know you were attracted to men? At the time, what was your attitude toward being gay (what were your values)? You probably knew something was amiss, some part of you wasn't exactly straight, but it's easy in retrospect to see clearly what was probably nowhere near clear back then. You married her because it seemed like a good idea at the time, without the benefit of your current hindsight. More importantly, as the law makes distinctions between pre-meditated intentions and acts of passion, you have to believe that it was NOT your intention to hurt her in any way. If you knew you were going to hurt her, that would be the only reason to justifiably feel guilt. I suspect you had no such intention.

No. 2: the ancient Greeks were fascinated by tragedies and comedies. They had two interesting definitions of tragedy: First the characters in tragedies are better than people in real life, second: it is often tragic to do the right thing.

You are doing the right thing by trying to redress and correct an error, to repair past mistakes and to live a life of integrity and love. There is an element of tragedy in this, not guilt. As in all tragedies, mourning is the only appropriate response.

 

Don't dwell on the past. We can't take back the mistakes we make in our lives. I'm sure you have learned something from your mistake and will not repeat it.

All we can do is try to be better people moving forward.

Don't be so hard on yourself; your wife's doing enough of that.

 

You can be proud that you came out to be authentic, and did not continue a falsehood with your wife until you withered and died.

You can stop beating yourself up for not doing it earlier. If you could have, you would have.

You can stop beating yourself up for getting married in the first place .. Because you were pinned down by the closet and a the expectations of society .. programming by parents etc etc

Be good to your wife now but stop ripping yourself up about a past that cannot be changed.

Imagine this... She may well fall in love with a new partner and this could be the best thing that ever happened to her too!!

 

Hi Spaceman and everyone else. This to is my first post, though I have been following for a while. I came out to my wife last night. She was actually quite understanding of course this might change over the next few days. Like you Spaceman and others I'm sure, I too will feel shame and quilt for a long time. I think we all entered the marriage with the belief our love would carry us through a lifetime We were wrong (have not seen a single post where a man has said he married to hide!). But at least the intent was love and I do not feel as though I lied since I was not lying when I gave my vows. But never the less here we are. So Spaceman think of your feelings when you proposed, when you gave your vows? Were you hiding or did you truly believe you had found your true love for life (which I'm sure is the correct answer). I am seeing a therapist which helps so if you are not think about it. Shame and guilt are a naturally part of this process but keep you perspective on your original intent in the marriage. Thanks and I look forward to more post.

 

Welcome to the tribe, mawwhite! Stick around, start a thread, and tell us your story. We all have so much to learn from one another here!

/Ed. (*hug*)

 

Simply and beautifully stated! Everyone's experience is their own, but we are all part of the same simple, convoluted, frightening and wonderful experience. Welcome.

 

Depending on how our wives process our coming out, sometimes the reality of the truth at the time we took our vows becomes irrelevant to the present, and he shared past is quickly cast aside as nothing but a lie. There is no way I can think of to counter the argument. At a simplistic level the perception of everything being a lie is true, but it ignores the reality as it evolved over the years.

 

When a first grader adds 1+1 and gets 3 is it a lie or a mistake?

You thought your marriage would work at the time. Since then you learned your error.

No lie

 

Spaceman, I just posted a thread about feeling guilty for messing up my wife's relationship with our children because of being in the closet. I should have re-read this post and some of the things many people (including me!) wrote to you, because it touches on many of the same issues. Those feelings of guilt, when they pop up, are pretty overwhelming. At least we all have each other to help us through them.

John

 

I feel at some point both husband and wife know when one comes out to the other that they have always been gay. Many gay men like myself have slept with only one woman who they married. Later on in life many gay married men feel it is time to embrace the sensitivity they feel when attracted to other men. My wife was a little upset by me but she also loved the fact that she was the only woman who meant anything to me. We had discussed in my coming out period that she will be the final experience of my being hetero or bi sexual. I feel it is a stage that many gay men experience in reaching maturity, namely letting go of a picture postcard perfect lifestyle so that they can live passionately as a homosexual. All I am saying is that there is a way to reconcile with coming out even when we are or were in marriages that felt profound. They may have been profound because they were helping us to grow sensitive to homosexual feelings and the honesty it takes to open up and let others know how we feel.