I have been in my relationship a while now. I feel very comfortable with her when we are alone but lately i have felt less comfortable publicly. I feel quite ashamed of this. It's a new feeling and i don't know where it is coming from. Part of the problem is that i feel selfish. I have been attracted to women all my life but apart from some experimentation when i was younger i have never worried about it, sort of pushed it to the back of my mind, and i have been fine really. Is it fair now to ask that everyone i know adjust to this change when i know it will upset them? The other part is that having these attractions feels sort of wrong to me which is strange because i have never worried about orientation in others, it was always irrelevant. I developed an ability to trick myself. If i found i was attracted to a woman i did not deny it, but sort of choose to forget it afterwards. I have never discussed these feelings even with close friends. Any fantasies i always justified because i know many people fantasize about all kinds of things without ever wanting to do them. There was some religion in my upbringing, and i know i absorbed all those homophobic messages this particular denomination likes to feed you. My parents have made judgmental comments and even jokes about homosexuality over the years and i know that effects me too. But i really feel that the biggest contributor to this feeling is me. Because by keeping these feelings secret for so long i kind of made it dirty and shameful. Now i don't know how to move on from this. Just today i told was talking to an acquaintance and my gf came up in conversation. The acquaintance said i just want you to know i don't judge you. I feel like that means there is something to judge but she is choosing not to. You know what, i don't want to be judged and i don't want to be looked at, or talked about, no one does. But more than that i don't want to judge myself but that's what i feel like i am doing. I hope this makes sense. I know accepting yourself can take time, but i feel like i am making no progress at all, in fact i felt more confident a month ago. If anyone could offer some advice i would appreciate it, because i feel sad ashamed and angry tonight and i don't know how to move on from this mood.
Azure, I know this is not an easy path! You are further along than I, though, and looks like you are experiencing some mixed feelings. You can't help your upbringing, and the belief system that has been a part of you for so many years is bound to surface every now and then. Try to stay strong, and remember that being happy and true to yourself is what life is all about. You are not responsible for anyone else's reactions or feelings, only in how you react to them. I think the fact that you are facing these issues, and airing your concerns - at least on EC - is a good thing. Do you feel comfortable enough to talk about this with your GF? Sending hugs and encouragement your way...!
Saqi thank you so much, I feel so alone and it helps to know someone cares. I feel really depressed and frightened right now. Yes I think I need to tell her but I don't want to hurt her.
The society we live in tells us it's wrong everyday. My husband and best friends have made comments about how wrong it is to me before I told them. One of them said being bisexual was the worst. he has since accepted me for who i am and is gutted that his opinion made my decision so difficult. . That in itself made me stay completely closeted for 37 years. I still haven't told many people. I actually cry when I read all these peoples stories on here struggling with coming to terms with who they are. The reason we do that is because of other people's opinions. I prefer to be gay than homophobic any day. People are people, good, bad, kind, selfish but none of that is determined by sexuality. If you have found someone that makes you happy then you are the luckiest person in the world. If other people judge you then they are the ones that should be judged in my opinion. You keep smiling and don't feel ashamed of who you are. You have struggled for long enough and now you have a chance to be truly happy. I have to deal with these issues too. It is difficult not to care what people think. However, I don't want people in my life who judge me on my sexuality. They can judge me on my personality if they like but that is all. Stay strong and keep smiling (*hug*)
Thanks penpal. I know you are right. I think I just avoided knowing this part of me for so long the secrecy has become ingrained. Its hard now to let that go. I was so disappointed with the therapy I was getting that I left but I think its time to find someone more suitable because I need to work on this, I hate feeling anxious all the time and I hate hiding my relationship too.
That sounds like a positive step. I have found someone who is helping me come to terms with my relationship ending, the fact that I am Bisexual and she is trying to increase my confidence. I am a very passive person and surround myself with dominant people. She is trying to ensure I don't do this in the future. Find someone that is LGBT friendly, it's very important the person you see understands what you are going through. My therapist is gay and has children so she has been through what I am going through now. Good luck and keep smiling it will get better. X
Azure, yes, do try to find a therapist who is better suited for you, and do it as soon as possible! I did not get very far with my first one either, and feel I am making much more progress this time. You need to work through this for your emotional health. If your GF is out, she must understand how hard this is - if your relationship is going to grow you need to be able to confide in her. Best wishes, stay strong!
