Living the straight life

I think no one should have to feel like come out unless they want to. However dragging an innocent bystander into your mess, especially one that will love you... ain't that cruel? ain't that using/manipulating someone?

Sorry but to me it feels like you are choosing cowards way. You can fool people in your life, your wife or your children but can you fool yourself?

 

I will find a girl that loves me and I will make things work

If this sentence alone doesn't make you feel bad about what you just said, then I'm sorry but you need to do some serious thinking.

A girl that LOVES YOU and the best you can managed in return is to MAKE IT WORK? I pity the poor girl and we don't even know who she is yet.

You also keep mentioning this 'gay life', something which doesn't exist. Yes some people fit the 'flaming' stereotype but almost none of the gay people I've ever known do.

Don't get me wrong, it's a hard thing to think about. It scares some people and I know how you want to fit in. BUT unless you genuinely love the woman you end up with, it is completely cruel.

You also try and justify this by saying "that countless numbers of gay guys throughout history have achieved what I am attempting", and yes, there are plenty of people who have managed to pretend to be straight. However there are usually a handful of outcomes:

1. They suppress it for 20+ years then get tot their 50's and realise they completely ruined their own lives trying to be normal and the desperately try and reclaim some of the happiness they could have had - there are plenty of people on this board who did just that and I recommend you try and speak to some of them

2. They become bitter and resentful. They won't blame themselves for making the choice to pretend to be straight, they blame the rest of the world for 'forcing' the choice on them.They either take this out on their family or the kill themselves.

3. They try, they realise they can't do it and the give up and live alone forever.

4. They get married and cheat on their wife at every opportunity with whichever guy turns up - this one happens SO often you wouldn't believe.

5. In exceptionally rare occasions (perhaps never) they manage to be happy forever.

Having said that, I realise that I've written it all based on the fact that you said you are 'gay'. So I have a question to ask you.

You said you are " more attracted to guys than I am to girls", does that mean you still have some attraction to girls? Is this romantic as well as physical?

 

Man... I had the same thought. I did it.

Buddy you have no idea how naive you are if you think there is one iota of truth or one jot of logic in that thought.

Married 21 years, two kids... It does not go away. It becomes an empty longing that consumes your life.

Find a man you love, marry, adopt... Build a family.

Wish somebody, anybody could have told me that at 28.

Tom

 

Warning, warning, Will Robinson!

OK, you are probably way too young to get that reference. But let me tell you some of my story. I was raised in a big, happy (at least on the surface) and pretty highly repressed family and believed with all my heart that the most important thing in life, the thing I wanted most, was a wife and kids. Long before I understood sexuality even slightly, I knew that my eyes were drawn to guys and not girls. When I started dating, the few girls I went out with were always people I liked but felt no attraction to whatsoever (my longest relationship, 3 years, was with a girl who came out as a lesbian).

I eventually did fall in love with a girl, or to be more precise, I rescued her from an abusive marriage and was carried off on a giant swirl of emotion and believed I was in love with her enough to make the gay go away. We have 2 girls, now 13 and 16. And a little over a year ago, I finally had to look in the mirror and say unequivocally, "I'm gay and I always will be". And 6 months ago I told her as well.

Taghul77 - I understand your struggle. I am the oldest of nearly 3 dozen grandchildren on my mother's side alone. My entire life was spent watching people have children and comparing which of my cousins resembled Aunt So-and-so or Uncle Whoever. There was absolutely nothing that seemed better than having my own children. Plus, when I was your age, a number of very close and special relatives died in a short time, which only made me want a family of my own all the more.

The problem is, you can't marry away the feelings you have for guys. It is a day-to-day struggle and it kills your strength and your spirit. Since I started coming out, I've been amazed at how much more open and happy a person I am. I buried it all along with my homosexuality. And worse yet, the woman you marry will be forever affected by it. My wife has been remarkably tolerant of the news I was gay (in part because she has suspected for awhile, and it gave her the grandest opportunity in the world to say "I told you so!"). But I know she feels like she has wasted over 20 years of her life on a guy who has never really been able to share everything with her. I'm not even talking about The Secret here - if you are a gay man, you just can't make a complete, total connection with a woman. You can love her as much as you are capable of (I know I have and still do), but there is always going to be a barrier between you. The first (and so far only) time I held and kissed a guy, I had a gut reaction that I have never experienced in my life. "Different" is completely inadequate to describe it. But as much as I loved my wife when we first got together, holding her and kissing her was a terribly pale comparison.

Think about the phrase you used - "make things work". You "make things work" when they're incapable of working on their own. Please, please think long and hard about this. It's far easier to adjust your way of thinking now than it will be when, like me, you are past 50 and the realization has hit that your feelings aren't going to change, ever, and you have passed up on numerous years of emotional satisfaction and happiness because you were trying to "make things work". There are better options that will make you much more fulfilled and happy as a person.

 

Let me add to the other voices who have said that the destination down that road is not what you think it would be. I married a man who is kind, intelligent, stable, and helps out around the house but there is no chemistry or connection. I thought those things were enough, but they aren't enough to sustain a relationship for years and years.

The only way I could see doing what you are suggesting is if you find a woman who knows you're gay and is ok with it, and you can have an open or poly relationship or something. Anything less than telling her the truth is really not fair to her.

I think your life/lifestyle is whatever you want it to be. And if you're attracted to/love men, then don't settle for anything else in your life. I think you can get those other things without lying to someone.

 

Marrying and "making things work" will work for a while, but not forever. I am 53, married almost 22 years with two teenage boys. I survived the first few years by "being in love" even if I had to work hard at it. Then the kids came along, and we worked well as a team, but "making it work" got harder and harder for me (my wife wondered what was wrong--she doesn't have to "work" at love).

I survived by stuffing my emotions deep inside--I became an emotional zombie, not really available for my wife or kids.

Fast forward to the present--two, anxiety driven, almost suicidal kids due to our dysfunctional family functioning.

And I have finally run out of steam to keep this whole mess going.

Trust me, coming out @50 with wife and kids is a whole lot harder than facing the music when single and younger--you don't necessarily need to come out of the closet right now,
but take a look on the web about MOM's (mixed orientation marriages) and some of the newsletters by Bonnie Kay to see the potential devastation that you could be creating.

 

I agree completely with what everyone was saying, but another thing to add is I don't really know why you consider surrogacy so bad. It's your kid, it's your genes.

 

Taghul,

Look left on your screen and note my age. I came out 8 weeks ago, after two marriages (the first for 12 years, the second for 25). I felt for decades precisely the way you describe yourself. And I know that, while I have loved two women, and cared for them deeply, I could never make them happy, and could never be happy myself. In the end, I denied myself the joy of true romantic love and passion. Fair enough, that was my choice. But I also denied two wonderful women of the same thing, something they never chose.

You can never "will" the gay away. It will come back again and again. It will punch you in the gut and take your breath away. It will haunt you, and it will leave a gaping hole in your life. This is not arrogance on my part--it's experience. In my youth, in my place and time, your choice would have been unthinkable. For you to make the choice I made decades ago saddens me more than you'll ever know.

Contemplate why living life as an openly gay man seems unthinkable to you. See a therapist for a while. And read some more here at EC. I hope you'll keep an open mind about your future.

(*hug*)

 

Or find a woman who will marry you despite knowing that you are gay. Then everybody is happy... I think. Just like that Mormon couple Weed, right?

Seriously, I wouldn't do it. Just my $0.02.

 

Don't do it. Period. More proof than you will ever need is all over this board. The fact that you're here seeking advice gives me hope you will do the right thing.

 

This is not fair to your future wife, why because it will hurt her when she finds out your gay and never had an attraction to her and faked it most of your life together and everything you two shared was a lie . I'm pretty sure if you do live your life like this , eventually you'll start seeking men out for sex behind her back because that's how the gay guys in the past managed and if she finds out that woman would be so hurt and torn .

 

We've all been straight at one point. Heck i also have a kid! But that aside, i still chose to be with the guy i love in a place where no one cares. Be true, man

 

Just don't do it. Take a look at the posts in this section for a little while. You'll catch the theme really quickly. A lot of us started out thinking the way you do. A lot of us knew we were gay, but then we found a woman we thought we could "make it work" and have a lifetime relationship, kids, house, "normal" life, everything. It was going to be wonderful; we could keep our true selves locked away, fit in, and no one would have any idea.

But we knew differently, deep inside. It gnawed away at us for month, years, decades. Some of us became distant, detached; not just from our wives but from ourselves. We began to wonder if the only thing we ever really loved was our closet. We never looked at our relationship from our wife's perspective. They were our cover, our ticket to "normal" life. Yeah, we went into the relationship with the best intentions, but we weren't honest with them about who we are. We built lives together, had children, shared many great memories. But in the end when the truth comes out, everything that was good about the relationship is now colored by the dark shadow of the lie, the hidden truth.

Do people successfully suppress their sexuality and enjoy a lifetime relationship with someone with a different sexuality? Sure, there's always going to be some who manage to do that. But there are by far many more who fail in the effort, and even many of those who "succeed" in maintaining their "normal" life end up miserable with other problems to deal with on top of detaching from their true self.

So, cut to the chase: You know you're gay and you don't like the ramifications. Fine. You are your own person and have to make your own path in life. HOWEVER, you owe it to any future partner to be honest with her about who you are. Give her the choice about the relationship with full disclosure. Maybe there is someone out there who would accept that information and still care so much about you they're able to continue in a relationship and start a family. If so, you're a very lucky man if it works out, and I'll applaud you both for it. I feel, though, that you're setting yourself up for a long, painful series of disappointments, of relationships that become serious until you reveal who you really are, and then lose them.

-Rick

 

Is it a "natural family" when everything about your relationship, and the circumstances with which you brought your children into the world, is based on lies and deceit? Think about it, your future wife will never have a husband that truly desires her, but rather desires the idea of a perfect family that she can give to you. She deserves better than to be a mere vessel through which you live out your fantasy. Who will pick up the pieces of her shattered heart when she finds out you're gay and everything you told her was a lie, while you're off honeymooning with your new trick? Who will break it to the children that mommy and daddy are getting divorced because you never, for a second, truly loved your wife? Your life is yours to throw away, but forcing an innocent woman to do the same for your sake is beyond unfair. Sorry if my words sting. I'm just trying to be honest.

 

Please think long and hard about what you are thinking of doing. I tried to live in the shadows, hiding in the back of the closet, pretending to feel something I did not. Only thing that came of it was a lot of depression and feelings of guilt. Don't bring someone into a bad situation, risking hurting and scaring them for life. I hope you understand what you are about to do and that you make the right choice not only for yourself, but for the future children in which you want to bring into this world. :eusa_pray

 

Having been there I completely understand. I can identify with your thoughts and feelings. Unless you have experienced this you have no idea of what he is going thru. You have to do what works for you. being gay was not accepted by my family and the plan was get married have kids.

At some point you may change your thought process. As things happen and experiences change you your thoughts may change as well. be happy with you. do wht makes you happy. Please consider the fact that it wont be just you impacted by any further decisions once married and kids are in the picture.

Do what you feel is best but remember others are involved.

 

This place is full of compassionate people, but even so you may feel stung a bit by our responses.

We understand, we have been there, and just want to make sure you don't make our mistakes.

At the best, you should be completely open with your potential future wife--there is no room for lies and deceit--trust me on this, my heart breaks when I think about how i mislead my wife (and also myself).

When I married, I admitted to my fiance having one homosexual experience (but this was not true, I had had more, but didn't want to face the obvious question--why more than once?). So I married, never really admitting to myself I am gay, but rather I was "straight with issues". I continued to deceive myself, despite very obvious attractions to men until just 5 years ago, when I just couldn't hide from myself anymore. Even then I vowed to never let my wife know. And then last year she found me with gay porn, and the whole facade came tumbling down.

I am currently in a group of married and divorced men who are gay or bi. Several of them were completely open with their wives about being gay (there were no lies), but even then, eventually things did not work out.

You are at least farther down the path in acknowledging who you are than I was when I got married. It can be complicated, but there are definitely ways that gay men can have a family (adoption, surrogacy, etc.) that didn't even exist when I was your age.

Take it slow, and get some gay affirmative therapy if you can--acceptance takes time, in my case decades, but can be much faster with professional help.

Al

 

I really don't have much to add. I've had a similar experience to those that have been described - only I didn't know I was gay when I got married. I was and continued to be deep in denial. When the attraction to men became clear, I considered myself to be "bi curious" which was convenient. And it somehow justified me in cheating. It produced a huge amount of shame and guilt that really messed me up. I hoped it would go away. That I just had to 'get it out of my system'. But it didn't. It got worse - until I couldn't live with myself, nevermind anyone else.

Now I'm living as an openly gay man. And I wonder what you envision a 'gay life' to look like? Replace a woman with a man, and virtually every other aspect of your life would be exactly the same. The only element that changes is not having children in the completely conventional way. (The reality is that many straight couples can't have children that way either - and have to look for an alternative to starting a family. But that doesn't stop them from moving forward and having the family they want.)

There are really no other differences. School. Career. Hobbies. Friends. Home ownership. Vacations. And if you are unfortunate enough to live in a part of the country where some of those things are affected by your orientation, then move. Because I live in the suburbs of Toronto, and my orientation hasn't mattered to a single person (outside of my old church - which was unfortunate for them - their loss in my opinion). Not one. Not any of my bosses or employees or peers at work. Not any of our neighbours. Not to my dentist or doctor or massage therapist. Not to the grocery store clerk, the furnace repair guy, hotel employees... the list goes on an one. We have not ONCE exerpienced any prejudice because we are gay.

So as others have said - give this some thought. Many of us made an unconscious decision. You have the opportunity to make a conscious one - and the direction we would point you in seems to be unanimous...