Lesbian married to a man?

It's a question you have to answer for yourself. We are just like some sort of a guide here. or rather we can just site samples based from our lives. But at the end of the day, it's still up to you.

Again, only you can answer the question. If you are not happy, then why stay? If you feel uncomfortable, what's the reason? If you have uncertainties, have you talked it over with your husband? Does he know what are your confusions now? Maybe, he himself can help you find the answers you've been looking for.

For the past twenty six years I've been denying to myself what I really am. I never had a serious relationship with men, but I had three different one night stands for the past five years. It's nothing I regret, but it makes me realized more and more that I prefer to be in a serious relationship with women. I have only 4 relationships with my same sex, 2 of which was uncertain because I was still on denial that time. 2 of which is very serious which did not end well, one ended only last year, and one is on a hanging more of me just need to let go (a long story, though you can just track them on my post and other comments if you are interested). And right now I'm still figuring out if I'm Bisexual or Lesbian, and I just came out 7 months ago with a few trusted friends of mine, which are all telling me I would rather stick to guys than be with the gals (since my past broken relationships had bring me downhill). They are all telling I do deserve better because I have the biggest heart and I always ended up bruised and broken each time I fall in love with women. So, right now I still don't have answers for myself, but it makes me feel fine knowing that someone understand how confusing it is to be in this situation.

I am 33 and I think it's okay to post anywhere we think suits best for our circumstances.

WELCOME TO EC by the way!!!

 

I'm on my phone so I'll keep this brief.

Yes, I think its entirely possible that you're a lesbian who hasn't had the chance to explore your sexuality. On the other hand, I've noticed that people's impressions of their own sexualities sometimes waver-- somedays they feel gay, others they are bisexual.

I think talking to your husband might be worth a shot. Regardless of whether you stay with him or love him, a marriage does involve two people. And with something so large being discovered in your life, maybe keeping him in the loop would help?

 

funny you said about the later in life, I wrote my first post in the coming out advice forum and someone suggested I posted in the later in life. haha. I am 36 and am going through something similar. I have a 2 year old son which makes it hard for me to leave. I feel like I am being selfish if I leave....here is my earlier post.
So, this is my first post and I am just looking for some discussion or helpful advice on my current situation....

I have always identified as being bisexual and have been with a few women before getting married to my husband of 7 years. During that time I have had some infertility issues but now have a son. In the past few years I have been questioning my sexuality as I have lost a connection with my husband and have leaned more towards women. We are currently going through counselling but in the end I still feel more drawn to women. My husband is my best friend and i love him, but I no longer have that intimacy connection. I'm scared to leave because I'm in love with my FAMILY but cant get the motivation to be on that certain level with my husband that a married couple should have.

I'm just questioning if I leave, that I made the wrong decision and that I've lost my family life... So how does one really know what to do? Obviously saying something is easier than doing something...

 

Welcome! I am also married and coming to terms with my sexuality. I can't tell you if you are a lesbian or just bisexual as I am going through the same process. I am currently reading a book called ‘Living two lives: Married to a man & in live with a woman’ and although I am not in love with a woman right now I am finding the book to be very helpful. It has a section where you can explore if you should stay in your marriage or not.
I am very much in love with my husband and struggle daily trying to figure out, is that love more friendship? Or is it the other love? Does that make me Bi? Or am I in denial? I am working with a good councilor who is helping me try to sort things out. This board has been helpful for me as well. She told me to trust the quiet voice that speaks up when I am calm and settled. That voice says Lesbian loudly but I am not ready to give up all the heterosexual privileges that come with a marriage. I have come out to my husband as being bi-sexual and we are trying to work through things. I don't know where things will end up I am trying to be 'awake' for the journey.
I look forward to getting to know you!

 

I am in a similar situation however we have got to the point where we are separating. We just went round in circles in our relationship. Eventually my husband guessed I was bisexual. To begin with he was supportive but I'm afraid that didn't last. It is very difficult at the moment as we are sorting out childcare arrangements and houses. We have been together for 19 years and were happy for most of it but things changed and we tried to make it work but couldn't. I hope you find your answers.

 

Hey welcome to EC as you can see there are many people here who have or are going through similar things to you.

My advice would be first to try and answer question 2. For me you need to decided whether or not you want to stay with your husband regardless of whether or not you decide in the end that you are gay etc.

 

Wow, I just really relate to what is being discussed here. I'm 34 (female), married to a man for 7 years with two kids and am closer to my ex girlfriend that I was with before I got married than I am to my own husband. I fantasize about leaving him for her all the time but we have a family. It feels so hopeless, how can you just break up your family like that? I can't do that to them. Yet I am so miserable. What are people in our situation supposed to do? Really, we can't destroy our families but we are in so much personal pain...

 

Unfortunately being miserable ends up breaking the family up. I have got to the point where I feel my children will be happier if me and their dad are no longer together as we are so miserable all the time. It's going to be really hard and I will miss my children terribly when they aren't with me but I was brought up in a family where my parents constantly argued. They are still together now but I still don't think it is right. It did me a lot of damage. I avoid conflict as I hate arguing. I have become very passive and surround myself with dominant people. Maybe I'm wrong and we should keep trying but after 4 years of going round in circles I haven't got anything left to give. X

 

Wow , I can really relate to everyone who posted here! I have been with my husband for almost 19 years, married for 12 and we have two children. Although I am 99% sure I am indeed bi, not lesbian, and I have no plans to leave him, I still struggle with many of the same feelings everyone here does. Lately I have been longing to have an experience with a woman but this isn't possible as our marriage isn't open. I used to think I just wanted to experience a physical relationship but I am realizing it is more a romantic connection I am seeking. I fear that I may fall in love with a woman at some point in my life and it would destroy my marriage. I hope I never have to deal with that. I just wanted to give OP a hug (*hug*). I know how hard these issues are.

 

Short and sweet if you are happy in your marriage you probably won't fall for someone else.my problem came when my marriage became difficult and I spent time with a friend. I fell for her although I never told her and nothing happened. I tried to save my marriage but my husband couldn't cope with me being me and I couldn't shut off these feelings that have come out in me. I hope it doesn't happen to you but you sound happy so fingers crossed. X

 

Hi and welcome to EC. I can relate to what you are going through. I always knew I was attracted to women but for whatever reasons forced myself to push those feelings aside and try to be "normal", or what I thought normal was. In my case I met a man when I was 19 who became my first serious boyfriend and we eventually moved in together and got married a few years later. At first I managed to convince myself I could be happy but it didn't take long for cracks to appear. Our relationship was rocky and that only made things worse. About a year or so before we actually split up I told him about my feelings for women. At the time I thought I was bi because I was with him, so how could I be a lesbian? It was a very confusing time for me and although he tried to be supportive I know he felt hurt and betrayed.

We did eventually divorce and soon after I started a relationship with a wonderful woman. It's 9 years later and we're still together. I now consider myself a lesbian rather than bisexual, but really it's just a label. The reason why I identify as a lesbian now is because I know that if we ever broke up, I picture myself only wanting to be with another woman in the future, not a man. My girlfriend is different. She could easily be with a man again if we ever broke up.

But don't get hung up on labels at this point. I know you said you are here hoping to figure out the answer to your first question, but to me the question of whether or not to stay with your husband isn't dependent on whether you are bi or lesbian. Just my two cents.

I know, right? I felt the same way :eek:

 

Please read my post. I think you and I are carbon copies. I'm new too.

 

I'm also a hetero married woman who is attracted to women. I came to understand my sexual preferences about 3-4 years ago. My husband and I have been married 10 years (since I was 17 and he 18) and have three children, aged 10, 9, and nearly 7. My husband is aware of my sexual preferences and we more or less live together as best friends.

I won't say it is the easiest of paths but you can make a mixed orientation married work for a period of time. If you do stay married, there is a strong likelihood of you being back in the position where you're trying to decide what to do again in the near future.

 

Hello Marie and welcome to the EC family. As everyone on this post stated I can relate to what you are dealing with. I have been in a relationship with my bf for 6 yrs. now, I was married once several years ago and I have my one and only child from that relationship. I have recently come out for the most part. I had to figure out what I was feeling and how profound those feelings were to my life. I have had an attraction for females since I was in high school from what I can remember, but sense I grew up in a strong religious and kind of homophobic family, I pushed those feelings far back. It caused all kinds of depression and guilt for me. For a few years recently I began to question my sexuality, that in itself again brought on strong depression problems which began to effect my health. I wanted so badly for someone to just me tell what my next step should be, unfortunately there was no one there to do that. When I made the decision to open up on this site, is when I was able to find the answers that I needed. Just reading my own words, showing my true feelings in black and white; and all of the stories of others just like me, and major support made me realize one thing, I needed to take time and think about my future. I thought about what the depression consist of, what feelings did I have when ever I felt depressed. I realized for me I was depressed whenever I thought about how I wanted to just be the absolute real me and not have to hide my feelings any longer, but was too afraid to do something about it. One day I made the decision I was tired of being sick and depressed, afraid and feeling guilty. I thought long and hard about all the pros and cons that will come along with what I was about to do. The pros out weighed the cons. I knew I would have to do something, because depression was going to ruin my health and my health is much more important than what anyone may feel or think about me. I had to really think if I am not taking care of myself how am I going to be any good to my child.

So I took one of the hardest and most important steps in my life, I finally came out to the most important person in my life; MYSELF. I was finally able to say it out loud to myself, that I am gay. I can not pretend that it was not the most relief that I have felt in a long time. Just taking that one step gave me enough courage to come out to some of my family members, where I met my first hand support group...quite blessed there. With that step I was able to gather the courage I needed to began talking to my bf about my feelings. I am taking that situation slowly, because someone else feelings are at stake, I do love him very much but it is not romantic. I know that one of these days I will have to come out fully with the news about myself to him, but that is solely left up to me and only I will know when that time is right. Since I have taken those few steps I can say the depression is no longer a bother and my health is improving immensely. I wake up in the morning feeling quite good.

The only advice I can give you is to take your time in figuring out how you feel about any of this, don't try to rush it. As I am so sure you know this is a huge step and moment in your life. Only you know what is right for you and when you are ready, you will know it. This site can be a very helpful place in getting through some of that down time, just getting out all the negative feelings can be a major plus. As you can see you are definitely not alone. I do wish you all the luck in the world on your journey to self discovery...try to stay positive...many hugs for you... (*hug*)

Wow I know that was a long a$$ message...hehe...tc

 

I don't think I have anything helpful to say but this topic just makes me want to ask and understand so many things... Obviously people will have different stories but what made you marry the person you're with now? I'm just thinking about it and it's so difficult. I mean, how does one even begin to explain this to their spouse? I can't help but place myself on the other person's shoes too... I don't know how I'd take it if I were in the receiving end. I can only sympathise...

 

Marie: I had always takes about being okay with the idea of a three some or with sleeping with someone woman during fantasy talk. I had always thought that I was just a kinky, fun girl and it never really crossed my mind that I might be a lesbian. When I finally realized I am, I wrote my husband an email and sat in the room while he read it. At the time I said I wasn't sure whether I was just bisexual our if I was solely attracted to women so we took this a little sore to start with. We decided, since we do have 3 munchkins, that we would stuck it out for awhile. He was working on his undergrad and it was, and is, important that he be financially secure when we ultimately separate (I'm the "bread winner" in the family while he was a stay at home dad and student). He graduated last month and we're at a crossroads of trying to decide what the next phase in our relationship and for our family.

Polaroid: In my case, I was dating my then boyfriend, now husband, when I found out I was pregnant at 17. We married and have been together for the past 11 years (10.5 of those married). I would say for me it was being young and not understanding myself or life that led me down this specific path of being hetero married but gay. Probably a fairly unique way to end up here but that's life!

 

Hey, thank you for sharing that. I'm glad you didn't mind. If you don't mind me asking again though, was there at any point any other person involved in your decision? Did somebody made you realise any of this or is it really just self-realisation? i.e. You don't feel anything anymore to your spouse and not because of another person you would rather be with.

I just read that again and that sounds wrong... I really don't mean to offend but sometimes I think I may come across as tactless. I'm sorry if I do. That's not my intention. I just don't know how else to word it. :eusa_sile