hi all I am wondering, as folks get older, is anyone experiencing a contentment in solitude that that may have not had before? i am 45, have my emotional baggage like everyone else, but always looked forward to building a life with someone. but after a string of relationships that have not worked out, i'm am growing weary of the process and to be honest a bit disappointed in gay men. i admit, i pick men who have issues (seem to able able to find them) but after recent break up with a man i thought id be there for until the end (then he dumped me yet texts and moans about how hard his life is) i just started feeling that i would be better off exploring being alone since that is the default position for so many of us. better to cultivate a happy life alone than always be yearning for a relationship, and then if if comes its a bonus but if not im happy and content alone. sex is easy to have of course when one needs. so just wondering if other middle aged or older men/women have experienced this? a friend is worried that i am checking out bc of bad experiences and am a disillusioned person who is now closed off, but i don't feel that way. i feel like accepting the natural state that we are all alone. I am not much into the gay scene and frankly i don't want any more drama (alcohol, drug, infidelity, depression, self respect issues, etc.) Love to hear some thoughts- many thanks!
Hello Xtian, I may not be in my mid-forties yet, but I kind of understand where you are coming from. I have recently come out and it just seem to me most of the women I have spoken to either act like 15 year old boys or they are really judgmental...maybe its just me seeing this. I am about to leave a relationship that I have been in for 6 years (its with a male), I know I can't remain in it and still move forward. To be totally honest I have come to the decision to just find solace and happiness in myself and just keep moving. I just don't want to deal with the games and ignorance that I have been seeing so many go through in the LGBTQ+ community (not that the heterosexual community has it so much better). I don't know maybe someday I will meet that incredible someone and feel different, but for right now it's just Angel and I think that's pretty ok...hehe:eusa_danc
I gave up search/random encounters 14 years ago. Luckily by nature I am very content with being alone. So waiting to see if I will find someone to share rest of my life. If not no biggie. I am happy by myself and with friends. Sorry to hear what you've been thru Xtian. To be honest that makes me glad I gave up sex encounters when I did. I can have more enjoyable/baggage free sex with my hand, thanks.
Xtian99, I year you loud and clear. I am also torn between abandoning hope for romance versus the frustrating, confusing world of dating. A rational outsider would say, "Oh, don't give up hope. There are plenty of guys out there." If I calculate the local population, estimate that 5 percent are gay, 2.5 percent are men, and 1 percent are close in age and single, that would leave 28,116 bachelors. Now let's say that half of those are somehow troublesome (ill, mismatched personality, etc.) there are still 14,000 guys left. But I have no idea where they are. This web site is one of the only places where I feel among those with a similar outlook on life. Although our conversations are asynchronous, and we're spread across continents, I find comfort in knowing that there are at least caring, sane, articulate guys here. For now, I'm immensely grateful for developing a small group of straight friends. At least once or twice a month, I'm having dinner with people my age, who share my snarky sense of humor and nerdiness. I urge you to find comfort in a straight cohort. It makes life so much easier. The irony in my life is that I'm often called upon as a "sexpert." Earlier this week and sometime next month, I'm serving as a sort of "Dr. Drew" for people to ask sex-related questions. It's been years since I've had any, but I must sound sufficiently convincing.
great to hear from you- i can relate! the gay community has always been a let down for me as well- never found it very fulfilling, always felt just on the fringes of it. and totally agree the straights have it just as bad. just thinking that human condition/loneliness and all...is better to accept that and carve out an existence in it instead of always fighting agains it and always looking for that someone. i really admire people who "opt out" and and seem really content- road less traveled thing and all. maybe the recent heartbreak speaking, but i feel like i am always there giving my all only to be the one left behind. and two years later they come back and say "you were the best thing i should have never left you"- i dont have time for those games. i cannot depend someone else's love and care and guid my life around that anymore. thanks for you response- you seem very grounded!
This is what scares me most about starting a relationship. I know I will give my all and if it won't work out I can't imagine how could I, if ever, gather my pieces again. Only advice I can give, don't rush into somethings just to have someone in your life. Let things grow naturally, be friends first then lovers.
BlueSky- then you have to remove all the people who have alcohol/drugs issues, monogamy issues and personality issues (self sabotage, low self esteem, etc.) and theer are like 5 guys left to dat and 4 of them are dating each other. of course the other things one must contend with is maybe its not them, maybe it is me? maybe i am not with anyone bc no one i have ever been with as thought i was worth being with long term... sure some have come back but who knows... maybe they get lonely, go back to the the familiar, know i am a softie and will be there for them, etc.- but in the initial moment they chose to live without me, so i try to be open to the possibility that perhaps i am not relationship material. anyway, nice to know there are others having similar feelings.
When I made the decision to come out to my wife after almost 20 years of marriage, a big part of the decision involved facing and accepting the reality that a gay man over 50 has a real chance of being alone a lot of the time. And to be honest, after dealing with many years of tiptoeing through the minefield of keeping the Big Gay Secret (and dealing with everything that comes with having children!), the thought of solitude really didn't bother me ALL that much! Basically, I decided that being honest about myself and open to whatever possibilities life presented me, was far better than being closeted and shut down, whatever the end result. I was more isolated when I was IN the closet and married than I could ever be OUT of the closet and alone (at least from the perspective of being in an actual relationship). Accepting real possibilities without having unrealistic expectations really isn't a bad way to live your life. Of course, that being said, sometimes the craziest and most unexpected things happen, when you least expect it.... Life, as they say, is what happens when you're busy making other plans. And love, sometimes, is something you chase until IT catches YOU.
Never think you can't! take it from me. I REFUSED to ever have feelings for anyone again, much less allow myself to get close. see my post from a few weeks ago. I was scared and guarded however Mr. Right came along when I was not looking. Even with my trust issues I let my guard down and am happier than what I could ever imagine. No drama just reality and feeling great. I even smile and laugh now to the point people notice the change! ---------- Post added 20th Mar 2014 at 11:26 AM ---------- COMPLETELY agree as much as u may want hold off on being lovers grow as friends first it does make a difference!
Well, there's always the old saw about the difference between being alone and being lonely. From my experience, being able to be comfortable alone, with just yourself for company, is a prerequisite for having a healthy relationship with someone else. If I were looking for a relationship right now, one of my opening questions would be, "When you have an evening with nothing to do, would you be more comfortable being by yourself, or would you rather go to a gay bar just to be around others?" And it's no wonder that you seem to pick men with issues. First, most middle-aged or older single gays have issues. It's built in from life experiences in a harsher time (at least in most of the US). Second, a lot of us see ourselves as caregivers; we just naturally want to help fix people. Tough work, that. I guess for me, the path is to grow more comfortable in solitude so long as I have emotional connection in my life (and EC is part of that for me), but to leave myself open for pleasant surprises. I still have hope, but I try not to have false expectations. /Ed. (*hug*)
Xtian99, I joked that I can only date guys with personality disorders. Now that they revised the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (The DSM-5,) I guess I have to start all over. I can safely say that I've dated avoidant, histrionic, narcissistic, dependent, and obsessive-compulsive. I haven't yet struck "gold" with a borderline personality. (I'm joking, but only to a certain extent.) The substance abuse issue is troubling. My ex had a significant alcohol problem Although the issue is problematic for straight people as well, the smaller population of gay guys, the prevalence of depression and anxiety, and concurrent substance abuse make it seem so hard to find anyone sane and sober. When I lived in San Francisco, I was flummoxed by how so many seemingly normal guys were using crystal meth, GHB, drank absurd amounts of alcohol, and were reckless in terms of STDs and HIV. It wasn't everyone, but I was caught off guard so many times. I know this sounds discouraging, but I speak from real-life experience. I am discouraged!
This is one of my favourite quotes and it really applies here: Paradoxically, I don't think it is healthy to be constantly worried about how we measure up in the eyes of others...why someone falls for me is ultimately the greatest mystery, there is very little I can consciously do to affect whether I make the grade, or not. So Maugham's quote may be somewhat obscured by this fact...ultimately, in the world of relationships, what is "the best" can only be the best for us! Finding the best for us requires a lot of patience and kissing a lot of frogs that don't ever turn into princes...
I heard a joke once (it applies to Canada too!): the west coast is closer to sea level than the east coast, so that every thing that is loose and flaky ends up trickling down westwards and accumulating there...
