My wife is livid

Sorry to hear about your lamentable situation. The only advice I can give is to find out what's more important to you: your extramarital relationships or your wife. And if it's your wife, you'll have to find a way to earn her forgiveness.

 

1953,

I have a few years on you, and my situation is diffferent. I've been out of the closet for just two months, and I'm gay, not bi. So for me, there's probably less ambiguity than for you. My wife is not livid, just unspeakably sad. But you and I are newly out of our closets, and it's all still painful for me, too.

So, do you think that you might actually be gay rather than bi? Can you reflect on your life and ask yourself why you felt compelled to be with men while you were married to your wife? No judgement here, believe me, but I think you need to sort out your feelings on this. Have you thought about finding a gay-friendly therapist to talk this through with? I'm seeing one weekly and he's helped me more than I can say--not just in figuring myself out and finding a way forward, but also in helping my wife through this time in our lives.

Please, stick around here on EC--tell us as much of your story as you're comfortable with. There are a lot of very wise people here, people who've been through what you're going through. We learn so much about ourselves here by telling our own stories and listening to others'.

Welcome to EC!

(*hug*)

 

oh hon, i wish i had some advice for you (*hug*)

there are a lot of smart people on these boards, i'm sure someone will be able to offer you insight and wisdom added to what has already been posted. i just wanted to give a hug and wish you the best.

 

I'm having trouble with this, but I'll do my best here.

Very likely, what she's having trouble with is not nearly so much your sexuality as it is your infidelity.

I'll do my best to keep this about me. If my partner (a woman I've been with for nearly 28 years) told me that she'd been screwing around with guys for years, and just hadn't thought I needed to know...I would feel utterly betrayed, and I would feel devalued...pretty much considered worthless, because my feelings weren't considered in the equation one bit. I wouldn't care whether "this meant" she was straight...nor would it matter whether it was men or women...basically, implications to sexuality would be irrelevant (thought I might feel differently if I was straight).

If she tried to excuse the damage (or mitigate the violation in any way) by saying that at the time she thought that because they were guys, it wouldn't matter...or because they were women, it wouldn't matter...either way...I would be more than livid. If it was ok because they were women, I would have to question how she felt about *our* relationship, then, if she sees relationships with women as irrelevant. If she thought it was ok because they were guys, it would simply ring false, because hey, why couldn't *I* have been having sex with guys all this time? I doubt she'd have been just dandy with that!

And let's suppose she felt bad for having hurt me. What I would really want to know is whether she felt bad *before* I found out...or whether what she really regrets is simply getting caught. In general, again I fear it would ring false, because if she genuinely felt bad all these years it had been going on, then why keep doing it? Why not talk to me about her desires and try to work something out (not a great analogy here, because we're both bisexual, and we *do* actually talk quite a bit about our desires)?

I do feel for your situation...I realize there are reasons and ways these things happen. I'm hoping what I can add for you is some insight into her position and reaction. I agree with Ed that you need to figure out whether you're bisexual or gay...and I agree with Argent that you need to determine your priorities. But also ask yourself *why* you disregarded your wife's position in this for so long...I disagree that god alone knows how she feels...*she* knows how she feels.

 

Hi there, and welcome to EC. Unfortunately, I know how you are feeling. In my mid 30s I cheated on my wife with other men - and did so for about 3 years before being caught and her leaving me.

I would echo BiAnnika's post though. Why did you do what you did? Your statements about compartmentalizing it, being in denial yourself - sound familiar to me. I didn't really want to meet up with other men - but I did anyway. And no matter how many boundaries I would set for myself, I kept crossing them. In hindsight though, this behaviour reached back to when I was a kid using porn and masturbation. It was a coping mechanism to fill a void. And I came to recognize that I was a sex addict.

So at this point, stop meeting other men. I would recommend getting into counselling - individually at first - to figure yourself out. And then along with your wife to help mend the damage that has been done to your relationship.

I've been there, so write back here or with me directly if you want to take anything up privately.

 

You have a lot to make up to her,
The fact that you are Bisexual does not give you the right to fool around with anyone once in a marriage,
What you need to do now is let her be angry,
Let her scream and shout at you,
Let her be human for a little while and take out the pain,
And all you're going to do is take it,
And listen,
Because in a case like this,
You are in the wrong,
And you need to be able to take the punishment for having broken the trust.

If she takes you back,
And you decide to make it work,
You're going to have to deal with her not trusting you,
Which will mean she can be passive,
But it's her reaction to have,
And not your right to take away.

It's a long road and you've got to get your shit in order,
Hopefully you make it right by her.

 

Okay. This thread has been REALLY bothering me, mostly because of some of the harsh responses. The dude is 60. I'm 52 and I have to say that in my lifetime and where I live (southern CA) I can't think of a time in history when it has been so comparatively easy to "come out". If I went to my boss today and for some reason felt the need to inform them that I was a lesbian, I'm 99% positive I wouldnt lose my job over it.

OP has been lying his whole life about his liaisons with men probably because he had to. I am so totally against cheating and have never cheated in my life, but my heart completely broke when I read the OPs post. His cheating didnt make me as angry as the fact that 1. he felt enough pressure from society that he had to marry a woman when he appears to be more attracted to men and 2. that society is/was so effed up that he had to hide it. Yes, he HAD TO hide it for the most part.

Further, where is the mention of compassion from his wife? Yeah she was cheated on and was probably incredibly hurt, but IF you loved someone, how would you feel that they had to lie to you and themselves about something for so long. Its not just about her just because she was the one that was cheated on. If I really loved someone, I would be just as devastated for them.

We're DAMN lucky, you know. DAMN lucky.

Off my soapbox. Hope this doesnt get me banned but if it does, it does.