My 16-year-old daughter and I were off to the store, and she was grumbling and snarling about the latest thing her mother had done to irritate her. Some of it is her own fault, and I felt the need to point it out to her, and I got the usual response of "Yeah, but Mom did xxx...." Deep breath. My wife is a difficult person, loud, disorganized, often not very logical, and lacking a certain amount of relationship skills in general. But in this case, she was dead on, and I told my daughter that really, Mom did know what she was talking about. Then I said, "I worry sometimes that I'm partly responsible for the way you girls [she and her younger sister] have problems with Mom. I'm not throwing myself under the bus here; Mom can be pretty challenging. But I feel like I haven't always been able to give her as much the benefit of the doubt as the average husband and dad would have." She immediately assured me that this wasn't the case, but I kept going. "There are a lot of things about Mom that I might have gotten a lot less annoyed with if I were straight and was able to love her the way most husbands love their wives. I think I might have unconsciously made you girls a lot harder on her than you should have been, because I was too, and I'd like to see us all try to change that." She was pretty quiet after that, and I hope it's because she was thinking, and not because she had just shut down. Has anyone else had the same concerns? Has our protection of the closet, and our general disengagement from our spouses caused unintended damage to other relationships? I feel as though I carry some responsibility for the strain in their relationship with her. The best thing a father can do for is children, the saying goes, is to love their mother, and I know being in the closet kept me from doing that as much as I should have. I feel as though one of my goals for whatever time I may have left under the same roof with all of them is to try and steer them toward being a little more accepting of all the quirks and annoyances that have bugged me about her over and over, perhaps more because I couldn't connect with her the same way a straight husband would have.
I think you're trying to take on more guilt over this than you really deserve. Yes, their relationship with their mom might have been a little easier if you weren't gay. But only in the sense that you would have acted as a buffer between them and their mom. The issues would still be the same, and, sooner or later, your wife and kids will have to deal with them. Speaking from a position of having no kids--which makes me not so qualified to have a valid opinion--your kids are old enough now to try to sort out their feelings and deal honestly with your wife. How about counseling for the kids, or family counseling for all four of you? And my opinion is worth every penny you just paid for it. (*hug*)
I understand your concern. But I'd revise to say something like, if we had been in a happy, strong marriage all along... Your sexuality isn't the only reason your marriage has not been what one would hope for. I guess I'd say the patterns you see are more attributable to the marriage (which takes both people) than your sexuality. This is why there's the argument that divorce can be better for children than "staying together for the children." In the marriage the parents model how each other should be treated. If it's not a fulfilling and healthy marriage, the kids can pick up some less than ideal ways of interacting with the parents.
ChoirBoy, we've discussed these unauthorized mind-melds in other threads, but there you go again. I was on a similar track earlier today. We were in bizarro normalcy mode today. Everyone chatty and joking around. It was nice. But of course there were some comments from the kids that struck me as shades of things I've said in the past. I thought about how my emotional detachment led me to be rude, insensitive and disrespectful of generally everone in the house including myself. Of course the kids pick things up. But as HopeFloats said, staying together for the kids sake can be worse than the divorce. My relationship with everyone was (is?) dysfunctional, but at least now the curtain of lies that wouldbhave explained my behavior is gone. The closet has been obliterated. The kids have overheard enough to have picked up the theme of how important honesty is in life, and how making bad decisions can hurt other people, whether you meant to or not. Your secret is open in your family now. Use this new knowledge that all three now share to heal the relationships with each other. Sure your hidden sexuality played a factor in the marital and family environment, but that alone is not what brought your relationships to where you are today. All four of you have ownership in your relationships, take only your rightful share, and also help the other acknowledge and accept ownership of theirs.
Choirboy, I think there is something in your description of the situation that implies a little self whipping. There's every possibility that if your wife has relationship issues, she would have had them with or without your personal issues getting involves. Keep in mind that all couples bring their baggage along for the ride. Alcoholics, control freaks, workaholics, cheaters - all these color the effectiveness of every relationship within a family. But if we pan out a bit, I think I understand your point. Let's see if my understanding and yours mesh together. I think you are talking about the impact of a lie. I have several illegal alien friends, and they complain about the theory of Mexican culture in America, because their very relationship with the country begins and ends with a lie. They say that impacts every decision they make, and that the need to cover the secret leaves an imperceptible film over all of their relationships. Several recovering addicts have said the same thing to me; and their children have validated the feeling. The kids specifically said that they judged things based off a confused set of misguided details. So, yes, you could say that it is not possible to have a lie in the house and have it not affect the relationships in the house. To which I say, calm down buddy. You are human! I'll repeat; everyone brings their baggage, even the non gay folk. Lots of marriages fail, even for heteros. If there were a study out there, I'd lay money on the idea that gay husbands - even closeted - bring more understanding to a marriage and family than, say...pick any exclusive group. Gay folk know what it's like to be misrepresented by another. How many straight folk have you seen disparage their wife's character, in front of their kids? I don't think this is a gay lie issue. Let your guilt go. Any good father points out to his children the areas where he feels he's been unfair. Congratulations on being a good father! Ted
I think I came across a lot more self-whipping than I intended to. My point was, some of the friction between my wife and me HAS been legitimate, but some of it had a lot more to do with my own frustration with being in the closet. I didn't realize it until lately, but I realize now I would have been far less angry and irritated with her about some things, and more open and honest, if I hadn't been so over-defensive and stressed about her finding out I was gay. Now that that's no longer an issue, I want the kids to rethink about their own frustrations with her, and make sure they are legitimate, and not just something they learned from me. If they have a problem with her, it needs to be their problem, and not just a reaction they learned from their dad when he was not thinking straight. (So to speak....!)
To me it just sounds like a normal teenage girl relationship with their mother, and you're blaming yourself too much.
Oh boy, here I go again posting on a thread that involves family dynamics, of which I have none in terms of a family of my own, but I know CB won't mind. Any kind of long-term denial, including closets, can sort of numb people and, in pyschobabble, cause them to be "shut down." But then people who are out may also use other mechanisms for numbing. I know both types. As for the situation in the OP as described, not everyone who is difficult is wrong 100% of the time nor is everyone who is a pillar of the community right 100% of the time. In this case, it sounded like you needed to back your wife's position. I'm wondering what the dynamics of your marriage, and the parental roles each of you took on (one blames and creates chaos while the other is the friend to lean on, almost as if to compensate, and I'm guessing the latter is you) has had on your daughters' personalities and ways they cope. The reason I ask is because my parents had very different roles and very different styles (one was direct and the other was passive-aggressive), along with other quirks and flaws, and I often ponder how that has affected me. At any rate, you are carrying some guilt because you are assessing damage, but keep on remaining collected and evaluating this process sensibly. It sounds like your daughters, based on snippets of dialogue you share, are also processing this sensibly and they are getting through this fairly well ... so far. My general opinion, from what I've seen, is that this process is harder when the parent coming out has kids of the same gender. I've seen that daughters accept gay dads and sons accept lesbian moms with a little bit more ease than when it's the other way around. From limited experiences, this is what I've seen. It doesn't mean I'm right and it certainly is not a "one size fits all" situation.
There is this disillusion that occurs when our children are teenagers. We realize it wasn't what we thought about as parents that has the largest effect on our children, but what we didn't. The areas where we consciously parented are generally in order and working in our kids, and the things we didn't know about ourselves or relationships in general start popping up in our children, and sometimes taunting us with perceived failure. When these moments present themselves to us, it's important to pause, breath, forgive ourselves, remember it's a process and not a goal, and get comfortable with the idea that parenting is a lifelong journey. The most important goals you can set right now are to be someone worthy of respect, and to stay in your parental role (once children are young adults this changes significantly, but is still different from other relationships). When the urge to parent out of guilt arises, remember to replace guilt with awareness and love. It's good to know what you are trying to fix, and fix it with intention rather than reaction. TLC (take lots of care) Ted
After reading your OP what you said to your daughter was amazing. She may have been silent because she realized that she was following your lead. You're incredible for bringing this up to her. Your daughter and wife are very blessed.
