I knew it was too good with my boyfriend to be true. I knew something was wrong. I just found out last night on a date with him, he is afraid to be gay. I have been seeing this really great, cute, and loving older guy. We are, in all concepts, a gay male couple. I fell in love with him and want a life with him as his partner, but now I see that may not work out. My heart is breaking and I see our break up coming. Last night we went to a LGBT friend restaurant. We’ve had dinner dates there before. No big deal and no one gives us any grief over being a gay couple. Well, during dinner, I leaned over to hold his hand and give him a simple kiss on his lips. Nothing major, just what most couples do. He pulled his hand away from me and turned his head to prevent me from kissing him. I was so WTF? I didn’t say anything to him at the moment. I didn’t want our dinner to be spoiled by an issue. We had dinner and talked and so on. We ended up at my car in the parking lot where he held my hand and we kissed. I was like WTF? You’ll hold my hand and kiss me on the lip in a darken parking lot, but not out in a restaurant? Is there something wrong with me? I was calm and respectful, but I asked him about all of this. He admitted to me that he did intentionally avoid showing me any love beyond friendship in public. He told me he is not comfortable with people knowing he is gay, especially when he is in public. Not even at LGBT friendly places. He his what is called ‘ A Closet Homosexual ’. I never heard of that, but he told me basically he is gay and love being in a relationship with a man, but doesn’t want others to know it. He wants to keep his homosexuality hidden and private. ( WOW! ) So after we talked more, it basically comes down to that I can never show him any affections as his boyfriend in public. I can’t hold his hand, hug him or cuddle with him, kiss him on the lips, or tell him I love him in public. He will never do those things to me either in public. I love this man. I want to be his partner and have a loving life with him, but I am okay with people knowing I am gay. No neon signs flashing I am gay, but no need to hide it either. I want to be with a man that I can show loving affections to in public. Not anything sexual, just loving affections to him and him to me. With this guy I am with now, that will never happen. Great! Now what? So if we went on a trip together, we have to rent separate motel rooms or a room with two beds so no one knows we are gay and sleeping together? ( Oh and we have not yet had sex with each other and as of now, regretfully, I don’t think we will. ) What if there comes a point where I want to get married? He won’t marry me cause everyone will know he is gay? I knew something was wrong when I found out his history with his ex-boyfriends. UGH!!! Should I stay with him like this ( and I am not happy like this )? Should I help him somehow to find comforts in being gay and who he is ( without trying to imposing inconsiderate changes on him. )? Or should I let him go and go back seeking another man? I love having a boyfriend. I love being with a man. I love sharing my life with a man. I love my boyfriend being so much older than me. And yes, I was so looking forward for us to reach a point where we would have sex with each other.:eusa_clap What do I do know?!!!
Maybe he will come around in time..It takes time to accept yourself sometimes.......Its sometimes tough to be seen as "different". ---------- Post added 22nd Mar 2014 at 03:10 PM ---------- I personally would stay put and try to work things out like a mature person.
Before you toss him out give the relationship a chance, give him a chance, give yourself a chance. It sounds like he has relationship issues in general, and obviously hangups about his sexuality. Talk to him. A LOT. Draw him out, find out what it is that keeps him in the closet. Are you willing to try couples counseling to get through this? To me it's obvious you're deeply in love with him. That is worth fighting for, but also keep your eyes open to the reality of where he is; it may well be a lost cause to expect more from his side of this relationship, so acknowledge that possibility now to help cope with a breakup if it happens down the road. There's a lot of second-guessing in the beginning of any relationship. Are you moving to fast... do you know each other well enough... is there an emotional connection, or is it more physical... are you compatible with each other (so many ways to look at that one)... is it too soon to tell someone you love them... what if they don't say it back... what if you start out as friends and try romance and it doesn't work, can you go back to being friends... the list just goes on and on, and it doesn't really change from when you're 15 all the way to 51 or 81. Dating sucks, relationships are hard, and real love is the most precious gift to be given or received.
Is he completely unwilling to allow anybody in his life to know that he's gay or does he want to avoid public displays of affection? To me there's a pretty massive difference between the two. I know that if I ever come out and find a boyfriend I won't want to hide that we're together, but I also don't think I'd be comfortable kissing him in a restaurant. The same would apply with a girlfriend for that matter -- it just makes some people uneasy. If he wants to keep your relationship a secret then I'd say yeah, you're probably better off breaking up with him; you don't need somebody who's ashamed to be with you. If he's just not as comfortable expressing his love in front other people, I think you should try to be more understanding.
I agree with mbanama (that happens a lot). Secretive and discreet are different issues. I would question my ability to trust someone who wants to mislead others, even if they aren't me. I might respect the conviction of someone with respectable boundaries. However, is this is really a self closeting issue, perhaps that would be squarely in the territory of things people don't want counsel on. No smoker wants to be told to quit, no enabling parent wants to be told to be the decision maker, and no closeted gay wants to be told to come out. The realizations on some issues in life come in their own time, and only then, if ever. That would be frustrating. I hope you two find a way to work through this and stay happy together.
I don't think the boyfriend is "afraid to be gay" so much as reticent about public displays of affection (PDAs). He doesn't deny being gay on any level, but feels unsafe being openly affectionate with another guy in a public setting. His fears are a lot like mine, of judgment or violence from straight people. Given the news reports about gay-bashings, hate crimes, etc., I don't think it is a reflection of internalized homophobia to want to be "discreet" in public, hetero-dominated settings. How "gay-friendly" is this restaurant? Is it in the gayborhood? Are lots of other gay people openly affectionate in this place? Maybe he'll do what I did, and gradually get more comfortable being affectionate in gay settings. If you want to ease this process along, get him into an all-gay setting (such as a restaurant in a predominantly gay neighborhood on a Friday or Saturday night). The barriers should drop if there aren't any homophobic straight people around to pass judgment. Seeing other gay couples being more open and comfortable may also send a message that it is a safe environment. Also, when vacationing, there are hotels and B&Bs that cater to a gay clientele. And even if you guys got a room at a non-gay property with two queen-size beds, that doesn't mean you have to *sleep* in those separate beds.
It's a shame issue. He's afraid of being judged by people around him. And that's pretty common for a lot of people who haven't worked through their own self-worth issues. So the question is... does he have any interest in changing and working himself into a healthier place? If he's completely content and shows no interest in learning to work beyond that issue, then I'd suggest you're better off finding a healthier relationship because this one is eventually going to eat away at your self esteem. If he's interested in working on the issue, he'll probably need therapy, and you'll have to be prepared to be patient. Also, it's important, if he says he's interested, that you and he discuss and set a clear understanding of the timeline, otherwise he'll most likely promise to take action and then put it off forever until you complain again. It's a tough situation to be in, but you deserve someone who isn't ashamed to be your boyfriend.
Wishing to avoid judgement and wanting to avoid violence are certainly not on equal levels. Worrying about judgement is a matter of insecurity and not something that should be passed off as a perfectly acceptable hindrance for the extent of ones life. Learning not to mold our lives in accordance with the standards of others and feel confident and content with who are completely is something that every individual on this planet, regardless of orientation, should strive to achieve in their lives. Personally, I am not someone who prefers to ravage partners in public, but hand holding and hugging is hardly PDA in reality. While California is not without it's instances of persecution, same-sex PDA in broad daylight would not encourage a violent reaction. Possibly in certain rougher neighborhoods in SoCal late in the night, but refusing any sort of contact or vocalization of love in every setting simply cannot be justified. Asking for a different hotel room cannot be justified. Telling a partner they can't say "I love you in public" cannot be justified. I don't know that cut ties with him, but I would make sure he knows that this is not a dynamic that will work for you. If he is willing to work through things with you, then I would give him a chance; though if he is absolutely adamant, then you will likely not be able to change him.
Gen - I didn't think about the OP's location when I wrote my response. I have lived in less accepting areas (Colorado and Texas vs. L.A. and San Fran). Things are still a lot more closeted in conservative areas of the country. I agree with you that judgment is far less severe than physical violence, but having experienced discrimination for being gay (a factor in my losing at least two jobs), being outed to the wrong people can have dire consequences. I know first-hand.
Definitely, and I don't mean to belittle the effect that judgement and discrimination can have on an individual. I can see where you are coming from; I just feel that the actions and excuses of the OP's partner are a bit more extreme and aren't nearly as justified.
Not everyone likes PDA. I admit that when I hang out with couples and they make out in front of me, I'm not really pleased. Obviously there's a difference between holding hands and making out. What I can suggest is to dig deeper and understand if his issue is about PDA or being gay. That's VERY different. And another thing: it's in the nature of many people (including me) to look for the wrong side in all things. Yes, be realistic, but don't focus too much on the negative aspects or they will make you forget of the positive aspects...
