Straight Wife Unexpectedly Plays Hard Core

Brave Prince · Mar 22, 2014

I'll recap just a little for those who haven't seen this elsewhere.

I'm fairly new here, a little ambiguous on the gay/bisexual front and came out to my family quickly (more confirmation than revelation for them). I was very prepared to say hello to a new life.

I had several boyfriends in my teens, but married young to an older woman that I've always been sexually attracted to, and had four children by 22. 27 years later with kids grown and a grandchild, the marriage has turned into a companionship with some sharp edges. I figured I was about to burst forth into a new gay life...

But what a curve ball I just got.

My wife just did a 180. She has laid down her resistance regarding my 'gay banner' and instead affirms that my anger issues (now mostly a thing of the past) were the largest part of her concerns with our marriage.

Basically, I came out as gay and my wife turned into a sex kitten, apologized for her part in all this, and allowed reasonable conversation regarding me finding like minded friends who understand me. As long as I can maintain a faithful, respectable, loving marriage, she is not as concerned with me exploring intellectual male companionship who understand my leanings (i.e. support groups like this).

OK, that might point me to the bisexual, because that resounded with me like a blooming olive branch instead of a death sentence.

Who would ever have seen that coming.

I realize this is not the norm as I read around the sight, but I'd really like some objective feedback and outside perspectives. Has anybody heard of a relationship like that working?

More confused than before...
Ted :help::eek:

Sasha Braus · Mar 23, 2014

Personally, this whole situation kind of confuses me. You came out as gay and had more sex with your wife? Also, why would she apologize for your sexual orientation?

I don't know, man. If you're gay, a support group or male companionship won't change that. What, exactly, does she want from you? Are you supposed to leave, find a male friend to talk about your sexuality then return home to her? If you truly are bisexual, are you satisfied with your marriage? (rhetorical question)

I don't know; this doesn't seem really healthy to me for some reason...

I would recommend seeing a LGBT friendly therapist, to be honest with you. That might help with your overall stress and confusion. That being said, I'm only 18; maybe I'm over-simplifying the situation.

DeLuna · Mar 23, 2014

Sounds like a bad situation.....Confusing too

Chip · Mar 23, 2014

Your wife's response is not out of the realm of expected. She is trying desperately to keep you (that would be part of the denial that you're gay.)

So the real question is... do you feel genuine sexual attraction to her, or are you pretty sure you're still gay? If you're confident that your attractions are to men, not to women, you are doing both of you a large disservice by going along with your wife's desperate attempts to save the marriage.

Reason being... assuming that your attractions are to men (or mostly to men), you're not going to be happy indefinitely without the emotional and intimate connection with a man, and your wife honestly deserves someone who can love and care for her fully, in the way she cares for you. And if you're gay... that isn't going to be possible.

So could you pull it off? Sure. Assuming your attractions are primarily to men, not women, will you be kicking the problem down the road and making it even more complicated to get out of if you wait? Most likely.

Brave Prince · Mar 23, 2014

"How do you like that; even among misfits your misfits." Yukon Cornelius.

Chip: OK, I get what your saying. Let's talk her denial, my denial, and reality - if that's even possible.

This could definitely be my denial over many potential losses if I choose a gay lifestyle. There is the very close family dynamic I love to live within; children and grandchildren I won't see as often (we all share two large houses that are across the street from each other); our family's social standing and influence. All these things will likely experience negative effects.

This could be denial on my wife's part. She clearly does not understand the deep, guttural attraction of a gay man denied and says all sorts of ignorant things about it. I do understand that attraction, and have experienced the longing for intimacy with a man that you discuss above.

It's seems that current mental health practice adheres to the basis belief that unfulfilled urges are harmful to the psyche and breed resentment within relationships. I can see that, intellectually and logically. It makes sense to me, sort of. I also believe we all have all sorts of fantasies and urges we may never act upon. We all live vicariously through books, movies, and conversations with friends and relatives, and we know that we will never do those things.

Also, I have a long history of not accepting the social norm, just because it's widely accepted; homeschooled, unvaccinated children; natural, non-pharmaceutical medical care; farm raised, local agriculture supporter; non-denominational spiritual thinker; and the list goes on. I question both sides of every debate, and that would include our nation's definition of mental health. Who says freedom is synonymous with an entitlement to unlimited expression. I'm all for reach for the stars, but I will add to be careful what you wish for because you just might get it.

So, I'd like to consider the image brought up in the movie Bridges of Madison County and discuss that openly in this forum. It does challenge the idea that impulse gratification and deep attraction trumps security, loyalty and duty.

There are a few things I should make clear before folks jump all up and down. I don't think many gay folks have a chance at considering the 'acceptable sacrifice' I'm thinking about. Though I think it may be right for me (still questioning - please be candid and as blunt as you wish in your replies), I don't want to lie to myself, and I certainly don't want to kick the problem down the curb and hurt my wife, my family and myself further, later on. If I'm going to make a break, now would be the right time, financially and otherwise (the issue is front and center in my entire family right now - no reason to put of the 'right' decision).

Like many men who have slept with only one woman, I've no idea if I'd be so very sexually as attracted to other women as I am to my wife. I do know that molestation and homosexuality are forever linked in my mind, that I find the male form more attractive than the female, that I find heterosexual intercourse more pleasurable than homosexual intercourse, that I fantasize about men and my wife and not other women in general, and that I miss giving and receiving oral sex (of which my wife is not too fond). This mix doesn't help me lean one way or the other. It's entirely possible that I could be sexually satisfied with my wife for the rest of my life (that's simple monogamy, people do it all the time). Would that stop the fantasies? Probably not. Could I live with that? Good question.

It is easy to project resentment for one's unfulfilled life upon one's spouse, and boy have my wife and I done that to excess in years past, but we have learned a great deal from those mistakes and come out the other end. In the past few years, we've returned to our friendship, and likely could not project or accept those projections as externally inflicted crimes going forward - In psych terms, that's when a normal marriage gets good.

As another piece of the puzzle, I'm quite sure I cannot have everything I want and cherish in our society, period - due to the era and region in which I was born (AIDS era, rural Midwest). I would encourage a young gay man today to come out young, choose a loving husband and have a family, but we didn't really have the option to choose a combination of lifestyles back then. I am where I am now though, and I married and fell in love with a woman. I am not at all positive that I could offer a gay man a healthy relationship free of resentment, knowing what I would be giving up in regards to family to be with him.

Yes, my wife is trying desperately to keep me. That might mean she's in denial. I might mean we are actually in love, regardless of the complications. Might real love be something to cherish and protect without the bisexual complication? And with a bisexual complication, is it possible to have a loving, faithful relationship without sacrifice?

Our nation idolizes sacrifice for love. That's probably not healthy taken by itself, but don't we all choose to leave something behind? There are lovely people with heart wrenching stories in this forum. People have sacrificed - and much of what they sacrificed should never have been required, period. I honestly don't think the choice I'm facing is fair in the least - and should not have been forced upon me by the collective, phobic, self righteous masses, but I'm still here, today, forced to choose:

Is it me (which would included us, the gay community), or is it us (which would include me, the gay husband)?

I'll tell you what I fear in that choice - it's that the latter choice makes me an outcast minority among minorities. There is potential for reverse discrimination and all manner of misinterpretation of the heart that goes into the decision I must make. What does the world (gay and straight communities alike) make of a happily married gay? An aberration; mutant result of the crossfire. What do you get when you cross a gay man and a bravely accepting woman...the potential for a whole new set of projected objections.

And could I, or my wife, survive that?

Have I posed enough questions, and is anyone brave enough to discuss them with me? I'm worried that this topic is untouchable (there are some deep psychological subtexts).

Thank you for listening to my wanderings,
Ted

P.S. It is never my intention to offend, although I know my blunt, sometimes tactless appearance of certainty and arrogance can sometimes offend accidentally. PLEASE know this is never my intention and I'm actually not ever certain or arrogant, despite what my sentence structure might imply. I'm very practiced at hearing that I need to chill out, listen, breath, bring some love, etc. Do not hesitate to tell me anything like that, ever.

P.P.S.
I have this mad desire to end every one of my posts with "I love you all!" You have no idea how strong that emotion is in me. More than being a closeted gay, my deepest aching pain has always been a profound solitude. "I just need some friends" has been my sad cry, as long as I can remember. Thank you, most sincerely, for your devotion to accepting others, but me specifically, a misfit among misfits, as God and man has made me. I love you all!

Chip · Mar 23, 2014

OK, first things first: In the interest of choosing discomfort over resentment, "choosing the gay lifestyle" is generally considere a pretty offensive and deceptive statement promulgated by the religious right. It implies that recognizing our hardwired feelings and acting in authenticity is somehow a "choice" and that being gay is a "lifestyle." That's a separate thread if you want to discuss it, but suffice it to say, neither is the case. I'm confident your intent isn't to offend, but I offer that so you're aware that phrases like that are really devaluing to many people.

Also, for the record, it isn't "current mental health practice" that "adheres to the basis belief that unfulfilled urges are harmful to the psyche and breed resentment within relationships"; it is, in fact, pretty much the basis of everything we know about personality theory and relationships going back a hundred years that supports those ideas. There also happens to be a lot of study of hundreds of thousands of people over many different studies, research processes, researchers, and timeframes that support these ideas. So this "theory" isn't likely to change. It's a great denial/rationalization mechanism, but if you're looking for factual information, it's not a very helpful approach.

As far as not accepting the norm... well, I can decide that the sky is red, but that doesn't make it so. Again, this sounds a lot more like denial than healthy skepticism and choices about holistic healing and vaccination decisions.

But what troubles me a bit is the statement

I find the male form more attractive than the female, that I find heterosexual intercourse more pleasurable than homosexual intercourse, that I fantasize about men and my wife and not other women in general
Click to expand...

So here there are two things in apparent conflict: saying you find the male form more attractive, and fantasizing about men, but saying that you find hetero sex more appealing.

First, before anyone comes along and says it, I'm going to discard the unsupported notion that romantic and sexual orientations are separate; there's no credible evidence anywhere to support that idea, and from what we know, those labels generally serve as a bridge during the "bargaining' phase, so for people genuinely trying to find themselves and make serious decisions like this one, they are generally not helpful.

So what that leaves us with a question about what's really going on here. The most common (but certainly not always the case) answer is that homosexual sex is less enjoyable because it does tend to require a little more, uh, getting used to, and also because it's very clear you've got a lot of shame associated with the idea you might be gay, so it could easily be a denial/resistance piece.

It is also possible that you are genuinely bisexual and the attraction you feel to your wife is genuine. However, the fact that most of your fantasies are toward men, and that you find the male body more appealing tends to make this less likely.

What can complicate matters is the longevity of the relationship with your wife. It's quite possible to deeply care for someone as a friend, and not have sexual attraction for them; there are many who have very deep friendships with people they'd do anything for, but feel no sexual attraction for. If I were to guess, my guess is your relationship is more one of friends and not of romantic attraction.

Of course, that doesn't make it any easier in terms of making a decision about what to do, but it might inform the situation a bit better: both of you deserve a relationship that includes deep, intimate love and caring, and if your real attractions are to men, you're never going to be able to give that to her, and as I said above, you're going to constantly be looking elsewhere, even if you never act on it. No matter how you rationalize it, that certainly isn't experiencing the full potential for love and joy that either of you deserve.

I think one of the important pieces to hold onto here is that choosing authenticity with yourself does not have to mean losing connection and friendship with her; I know of many situations where the husband or wife came out later in life, left the marriage, but after an initial period of discomfort, they have maintained a deep and meaningful friendship that, in many ways, became even stronger because the stresses of one of them trying to be someone he wasn't were removed.

All of the issues you describe as far as not being able to have a happy and loving relationship with a guy are, I think, constructions based in fear and scarcity. It's the beliefs you're attached to from the past that fuel those issues, not objective reality. That isn't to say they aren't real, but they can certainly evolve and change over time.

What I hear more than anything is fear. And the only time real change occurs in pretty much any situation is when the discomfort of the current situation becomes greater than the fear of moving forward and what lies in that unknown place. You're the only one who can make the determination of where you are on that spectrum.

thrnvlpidj · Mar 23, 2014

Didn't your wife allow that you could keep your boyfriends when you got married?

Even if she insists on monogamy now, I think it could still be a beautiful thing.

Being a husband and father requires a high degree of selflessness. You've found it an acceptable sacrifice thus far; are you just having a mid-life crisis?

If you reach for the stars you might get to close to the sun and your feathers will fall off.

You're not sure you could offer a gay man a healthy relationship. I'm not sure you could even find one.

P.S. I do not find your appearance of certainty at all arrogant.

P.P.S. "I love you all!" in your signature? Make some room in your life for a friend; I think you'd be the best.

StillAround · Mar 23, 2014

BPC,

The two posts directly above mine present quite different points of view... I go with Chip on this one.

I think, as he does, that fear and shame are big players in your life right now, and you need to sort that all out, along with a sense I get that you seem to feel that suffering is just our lot in life. (I may be completely wrong here, but that's what it feels like.)

From your previous posts and threads, it also sounds like you live in a pretty conservative area. Again, feels to me like you're living in a much smaller world than the one that's out there for gay men and women.

How about a few sessions with a gay-friendly therapist, even if you have to go outside your immediate area?

If I haven't offended you yet, I want to share a bit more of my very recent life with you. I do have a point to make, I think.

You've already read my little story about walking hand-in-hand and hugging another guy in a public place. So, two little bookends to that story... I've been in a search for community and connection ever since I came out two months ago. That has led me to several support and social groups in nearby cities. Many of the men I've met in the social groups seem to me to be worn down and damaged by their lives. While many are younger than I, most seem so much older. This is, I think, what Chip refers to as scarcity.

On the other hand, one support group (for married, divorced, or widowed husbands, most with children) has been welcoming, accepting, and caring on every level. I went to a gay bar for the first time with a handful of them, and enjoyed the easy friendship and genuine affection of people like me. It was warm, and friendly, and open. We flirted. I needed no filters for my words, my gestures, my actions. We stood around in casual warm hugs. This is an experience I've denied myself for my entire life.

And in each of the support groups, I've met one guy to talk to. One, 19 years younger than I, may become a good friend--one day even more, who knows? The other, 20 years older than I, is just a nice guy. We had an open, honest, vulnerable conversation, and I plan to meet him for dinner in a couple of weeks.

All of this has happened in just the last 4 weeks. Out of a total group of perhaps 25 men that I've met in that time, there's the potential for 3 good friends. In my mind, that's quite a good percentage! And remember that I'm 69.

As for gay men looking down on those of us who opted for a hetero-normative not-so-genuine life, I just don't see it. Oh sure, some of the very young (I mean, in their teens and 20's and very early 30's) probably don't get it; they were fortunate to grow up in a much more accepting world, and our choices to live as we have are unimaginable to them. But we're older than that. People your age and my age, unless they're dealing with some serious inner demons of their own, will understand completely. You can tell by the population here on Later in Life that there are a lot of us!

And, gay or straight, we're all shaped by our life histories, and we're all damaged in one way or another. Doesn't mean we can't heal and rejoin the real world.

Keep in touch. /Ed. (*hug*)

Spaceman · Mar 23, 2014

Vert interesting thread. I have to say I feel Chip's post is spot on.

Stillaround...I'm curious about the different experiences you've had with your support/social groups. Are/were the guys in the more welcoming group in hetero marriages? What's your theory as to why members of this group are more accepting and well adjusted than the others?

Brave Prince · Mar 23, 2014

Gentlemen,

Thank you for your time and responses. I regret that I won't be able to give any detailed responses until I am able to apply some time to it, which will be a day or two. I've got a lot of work scheduled in the next few days.

It sounds like the suggestion is that more than my wife, I myself might be considered by some to be in denial and bargaining stages. I'll have to ponder that a little.

I do want to respond to the issue of 'gay lifestyle choice' now though. My apologies to anyone my phrasing might offend. I'm not saying it the way it sounds; at least not intentionally. Though not a redneck, I am in the territory and am not very good a PC talk. I'm not making sweeping statements, just personal ones. Whether I was born gay has always been irrelevant to me, because I was definitely raised to be gay. It was never a choice for me, either way. I am this way and have been as long as I can remember.

But if you say that romantic and sexual proclivities are not reliably separated, then me being only gay doesn't seem a reliable statement. I am definitely sexually and romantically attracted to at least one woman. So for me, it feels like a choice, because I really won't be happy leaving either gender behind.

I'll write more later,
I love you guys, ha!
Ted

allnewtome · Mar 23, 2014

I just finished reading Joe Kort's 10 smart things gay men can do to find real love and in the last three chapters really there is a ton that resonates with what you've posted. I think the book would be a good read for really any one gay/ straight/single/married whatever there's a lot of valuable stuff in there and stories/examples which may be of interest to you.

Chip · Mar 23, 2014

I particularly echo and agree with allnewtome's comments about Joe Kort's book. (Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love; not to be mixed up with the other one with a similar title.) He really deals well with this issue.

As to the issue of "I am definitely sexually and romantically attracted to at least one woman"... again, I'd encourage you to really, honestly think about whether the attraction is truly sexual or not. By "sexually arousing", I mean... you can, by yourself, fantasize about being with her, think about her and her body, and feel really aroused, and really fulfilled, in a way that's equal to any arousal you feel toward guys. If you feel as strongly about her as you do about any guy you've ever been attracted to or fantasized about, then I would agree that there's genuine sexual attraction there.

But my guess is that isn't actually the case, and that you're confusing the caring and connection you feel for her with genuine sexual attraction, which, again, would be consistent with everything else you've described. And if that's the case, we're back to the idea that what you're really afraid of is the loss of what's familiar, and this wonderful friendship you have with your wife.

Now... (assuming I'm correct... which I may not be...) you can certainly choose to remain in this "friendship" and call it a relationship, but again, you're not being fair and honest to yourself or your wife in doing so.

This stuff is hard, and the denial, fear, and confusion that comes up when dealing with these later-in-life experiences is really difficult and challenging. I don't have the answers, and I don't know what you're feeling or experiencing, nor do I know if you're straight, bi, or gay. All I can do is try to read between the lines of what you're saying, and interpret it within the context of other similar situations I've been familar with, and hope that the info is helpful

Sasha Braus · Mar 23, 2014

Damn, you sure give some good advice, Chip.

Brave Prince · Mar 24, 2014

Chip,

I ordered that book '10 things...Real Love' based on your suggestions in other threads. It arrived yesterday. Just the names of the chapters is intimidating. I will read it (a very slow process for me, but I will do it).

You are very well educated, well read and well spoken; all things I'm not, necessarily. I'm good at bullshitting my way through things and sounding good (among people who don't know better). The feeling of being outgunned in this conversation and backed into a corner of ignorance and self deception is very strong right now. I can handle it, and I want to continue, but the resulting anxiety is pretty strong. A huge part of me just wants to patch things up with my wife and pretend I never jumped into this rabbit hole (I think you get that already). I'm talking to anonymous people on a website who subscribe to a collective thought (remember I really hate institutional thinking) and considering ditching the support of a family I cherish. None of you distant and well meaning guys out there can really offer to help pick up the pieces of the wreckage. I'm not sure I can handle that. I've sheltered myself from any form of striking independence - and my wife's friendship, love and confidence (not to mention attention and sex) is looking pretty attractive right now.

I have to go to work before the anxiety stops me from functioning.

Please don't stop talking. I can't figure out if this is a slow process, or if I'm just making it slow, or if the choices are just to difficult for me to comprehend, or if you are full of shit.

I'm not religious, but you get the idea when I ask you to pray for me today.
Ted

Jim1454 · Mar 24, 2014

I really do feel for you - and the situation that you are in. I was only married for 9 years. I didn't make the decision to leave - my wife did. I was thrust into this new life against my will really. And it was scary. I really didn't think - at the time - that I could do it.

But with help and support on a number of fronts, I did make it. I met someone too, who allowed me to realize what I had been missing in my life. We really are wired differently, because while I also loved my wife, I didn't love her the way I was able love my husband. When we met and fell in love it was MUCH more powerful than what I had experienced with my wife. She and I were very compatible. We had an active and satisfying sex life (at least I thought). But it wasn't what I needed.

What I will also say is that if done correctly, your separation from your wife can allow you to maintain that family support system that you cherish. My life is different now - but for the better I'd say. I live within 10 minutes of my wife and kids. The'll be staying with me for the next week and a half while my ex wife is on vacation with her new husband.

Things can work out. Even though - when I was in your position - I was convinced that they wouldn't.

Brave Prince · Mar 25, 2014

Here's an update,

My wife (we'll call her Marie - name changed to honor the site's by-laws) and I had a long talk last night.

I came home and she greeted me with open arms and a warm smile. She'd had a tough day for other reasons and admitted to wanting to escape the day in my arms. That would be lovely, but it's not our pattern for the last ten years - in which she's been more practical and not intimate at all. I asked her about her day, which she expressed without too much detail but some weary emotion. Eventually she said "I just want to have a loving and happy marriage with you for the rest of our lives. Don't you just want to do that?"

I hesitated, and replied "That sounds very romantic, like a fantasy."

That did not go over well. I was accused of being selfish with the conversation, turning it back to my gay purposes, and things went downhill for quite a while.

However, by the end of the night - we'd come to an agreement. I'm not sure if allowing her to bargain is considered a bad course of action, but we both ended up appeased enough due to an uneasy, but workable 'arrangement.'

She feels it's important for us to try to save our marriage, and is lamenting having wasted time before my coming out on relationship games instead of genuine interactions. I'm not going anywhere in the immediate future, for a variety of reasons. I've agreed that as long as I'm in the home, we can work to heal our relationship - which could use a little love and care no matter how things turn out.

She's gradually starting to understand that if I remained her husband for the long term, this would be a 'choice.' I use that would with intention there because it would in fact be a conscious decision - and that we would both be settling for what we know we can have. This would be like taking the safe route, which isn't really as safe as it looks.

However, the bargain on my side was that I have the freedom and the time to explore a more personal understanding of who I am and further self-awareness. I won't be dating, which I don't need to do. I've been with men before. I will be educating myself on what it means to be gay. I keep saying things like "I can't choose to be gay - because I already am." That won't be going away. I'm not "considering choosing to live a gay lifestyle" because it's not something that out there that I would go to, but something already in me that I would ignore if I staying in the marriage. Therefore, I could choose marriage, or I could accept to live as I am - and I am simply taking the freedom to make that decision later as a well informed married gay man.

If she can't handle that, she can end the relationship herself. She's clear on that. The knowledge that I've never been and never will be mentally faithful, even under the best of circumstances between us, sounds tolerable to her right now. When it sinks in, she might feel different. There were three times last night where she totally thought we should just end the marriage now, but she keeps talking herself out of that option.

I'm not being unreasonably hopeful that this will end the way she wants it (with me 'accepting sacrifice for the greater good' as a long term option). I am seriously considering that potential, but mostly I have agreed to let time add clarity for us both - knowing that getting used to this whole new dynamic gradually will allow us both to take the course in our hearts instead of making decisions through panic, fear and ego.

Am I playing with fire, and stringing her along? Am I hiding from myself out of shame? I don't want to hurt her more, but I do want to preserve the many good things in out relationship, including the love. I'm usually a rip off the band aid kind of guy, but it just seems like there's no hurry. I don't need to run away again in my life, and she doesn't need an earthquake in hers - and the end result is probably predictable, but less volatile this way.

Am I fooling myself or choosing a loving approach?

Off to work...thank you all and have a great day.
Ted

Jim1454 · Mar 25, 2014

I think that seems quite reasonable. It will be a fine line to walk - maintaining a positive relationship but keeping things in flux for a while. Emotions will run high.

But you're absolutely right - there isn't a hurry now. Keep communicating. Joint counselling will be helpful.

GayDadStr8Marig · Mar 25, 2014

Ted, I think what you're doing is incredibly courageous. You're putting your effort into being honest with yourself and with your wife first, before making a decision on how your relationship will change. Let there be no doubt in your mind that your relationship is changed now. The path forward can only be decided by you and your wife. Marriage is a partnership and requires the "vote" of only one of the partners to dissolve the relationship. You both have equal power in this regard. Economically, one or the other may have more influence on the decision to cast that "vote", but in the end you are equals.

I know it sometimes feels like a piling-on of group-think, but I really don't think anyone is trying to pressure you intentionally to make one decision over another. Rather, we care about you being at peace with whatever decision you do reach. Only you and God know what resides in your heart. Be honest with yourself; be true to your heart. It took me 19 years to accept for myself that my relationship with my wife, while I do care for her deeply and truly wanted a lifelong partnership with her, at the core was a deception for myself as much as it was for her. Now the lies have no more power, the closet is destroyed, and in the wake of the mess we are picking up the pieces of our lives so we can both reclaim our true selves and be better parents for our children.

Choirboy · Mar 25, 2014

Ted, I read your posts and I see a guy who's on total overload trying to figure everything out as quickly as he possibly can, and getting pulled in a bunch of different directions by old fears, a wife who is afraid of being left behind, and a status quo that you are, maybe, comfortable but dissatisfied with on many levels. For what it's worth, if I were in your position, I think I'd take about 2 weeks to myself and go on a nice, relaxing vacation somewhere fun. Whatever YOU think of as fun. Alone. I think that being distracted from all the emotions and triggers that are bouncing around in your head would make a huge difference in helping you sort all this out.

This is YOUR mental and emotional journey first. You have a lot of things to think about - is her new-found attentiveness just a last-ditch effort to keep you in her life? If you stay together, will you just go through this again in a few years? Bi, or gay with one "crossover" person, based on real love and attraction, or just a very close and comforting shared history? Or just fear or denial based on things that happened before she came into the picture? I could go on, but you get the drift.

This needs to be about you trying to sort out your own emotions, without the help of people so close to them. You've been locked into this path since you were 16. It may be what you want and it may not be, but it's going to be very hard to think about what YOU need and want, while you are being faced with what others need and want. Try to take care of yourself for a change. Probably for the first time in 20+ years, I'm guessing. Self-preservation is very different from selfishness.

Brave Prince · Mar 25, 2014

I just want to take a moment for gratitude, because all you gentlemen and ladies have been so wonderful to me. I look forward to getting to know you all better, when I am in a position to be a little less self oriented.

Wow, I've never taken a vacation alone before. What an interesting concept, but I'm afraid I'm not ready to make a statement like spending our money on me. Instead, while my wife is being very distracting and trying to use absorption in us to take my mind from wandering, I have a plan to keep my head clear.

First, I have group think (nice term from GayDad - Rick?) here to help provide perspective. I wish I had the time to respond to all your wonderful comments personally. Just know that I am listening and hearing and so very grateful. May I repay you in kind someday. (Chip if you don't know how important your work is, please let me thank you personally with sincere gratitude. The perfectly worded comments at the perfect time - you are a true blessing).

Closer to home, I have I have already contacted several of my friends (repeat...my friends) who already knew me well enough that 'coming out' was not really anything strange. I am making dates to spend time with them, talking about them or hell, talking about anything but me, and maybe a little about me too, so that my world enlarges a little bit. Trashing my wife will be off limits, but exploring life outside my little bubble is the goal.

And I have books. It's time to study so that my ignorance and naiveté can begin to dissipate. I've already promised myself not to do rebound or exit relationships. I thought that would mean I wouldn't be distracted by sex itself before Marie changed the rules on me.

Are there other practical ideas that support (patient) independence?

Love you guys,
Ted

Straight Wife Unexpectedly Plays Hard Core

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