I am 38 and lately I have been looking at my life and realize I have accomplish NOTHING. I dropped out of school at age 17 and began working because my family was struggling financially. Collage was definitely out of the question for me (although I would have loved to be in the forensics field). Anyway, I've had good jobs through the years (3 in all). As a favor to my sister I take care of 4 nephews and although I enjoy it, the pay isn't great but I get by. I see how happy my siblings are, 2 of my brothers and sister are married, they have kids, great jobs, they own their homes and have so much to look forward to. I can't help to see just how pathetic my life is in comparison. I know comparing myself to them is pathetic but I can't stop. I have nothing going for me. No job, no kids, no girlfriend (no friends for that matter). No social life. I am 38 and I have nothing to show for. I still live with my parents because I help them financially. I sound like I'm making excuses and a some will say that maybe I have not tried hard enough to become somebody. The truth is I have no desire, no drive, no hope, no motivation. My problem is that I always think about others first. I know I should do something about my life but I don't know where to begin. Sometimes I think I'm too old so what's the point.
Its never too late, but I am in your spot right now. I did finish a degree and got a job and was able to become...'so much more'...but frankly I could not stomach how all you want to be is just replaced with 'you are gay', people just don't respect you as much, and as much as a I try to let go of what people think its hard! Day to day you get people saying all kinda things about being gay, that are not nice or like they are talking about creeps, and you get asked why is someone who is successful not married, why are you not dating this beautiful girl, plain out what is wrong with you. I personally snapped and got to where you are at (I've always been there but I tried to resist it) and felt like whats the point..I'll always be the gay freak/loser. Frankly I think you said it your self, I believe you when you say you put others first, and when you are gay, you'll have to sacrifice A LOT of things in order to gain their respect, and like a candle, you'll just melt to a stub. I don't know how to resist that nature of wanting their approval, but I think it is the key..to be ok in being selfish that will make you happy (cause a lot will call you selfish for it lol!). Also I think don't let your age dictate what should be happening in your life, your siblings could easily have things turn upside down at any moment too...that is life for you!
Your life isn't likely even half over yet. It's not too late to start a career in forensics. Your siblings probably envy your freedom.
It sounds like you have looked after your family and with your shyness issues have neglected yourself. You really need some support to help you to gain confidence in yourself. You must try not to compare yourself to your siblings. Me and my sister are completely different. She has fallen on her feet by marrying someone who has done well for themselves. She found school easy and was popular and confident at school and she still is. I am shy, struggled at school but worked hard I ended up doing better in education. However I have ended up starting from scratch at the age of 39 thinking how am I going to support my boys on my own. At the same time my sister has just made an offer on a £2,000,000 house. A lot of it is down to luck and confidence. I have worked with so many people who are in better jobs than me purely because they have the gift of the gab. Don't put yourself down, you need to look at your good points. You sound like you are very caring of others. That is a lovely quality in friends. Your family are very lucky you have supported them its time they helped to support you. Could you talk to them about how you feel and see if they can help you find some confidence. Your life isn't pointless, everyone is different and that's what makes life so interesting. X
Wow other than some differences it felt like I am reading my life story. You are never too old to make a change unless you are dead. First write that in your book of memory. Like I said our living conditions are too similar, so so income because of working with old friend to support him, living with mom to support her. watching my brothers happy and increasing family (had 3rd nephew last year)... every day you feel like you are going down. Probably you feel like your are a failure in your parents eyes as well. When people look at you, you can feel the pity in their eyes and voices... Anyway my standing up process started last year with pure chance encounter. I started playing a cheesy online game. I've met so many wonderful people in there. They were from many age group with many different back grounds with different problems of their own. As I am open about my sexuality on net, I was so happy when they accepted me as I am, hah I kinda become gay best friend to ladies there. Everyday I learned about their problems, their dreams. Day by day I realized maybe I don't have much in my life but I don't have any negative things as well. I have a good health, I don't have to deal with family problems... Since last year I was getting ready each day to change my life for better. Finally took hard first step two weeks ago by quitting smoking. Next I will finally start working on my long delayed comic idea... I dreaming about it since I am 10. I believe everything happens for a reason. I found my turning point. Your turning point can be here. Just stop thinking it is too late. I don't want to write more and make post less understandable. I am around whenever you want to talk. Most sincere hugs to you. You are not alone. We are not spring chickens but still have some moves right? So sister start shaking that booty.
Thanks White Knight I'm glad I'm not the only one out there in this situation. Penpal, thanks for your words. At some point I'm gonna have to start living MY life, not someone else's, and maybe you're right. Not too late I think my low self esteem contributes a lot about how I see things. I'm not the most attractive person out there lol but I do think one of my nicest qualities is that I put others first but I have to stop that.
it's not too late but just don't wait. i was in pretty much the same boat...till it sank. i was there for everybody else. lived with my mom, played by her rules, #1 don't be yourself. i took care of her till she died when i was 25. i was so co-dependent, i was lost when she died.it took pregnancy at 30, still trying to be who i wasn't. to stop the downward spiral. now my son is 18, time to live for me, finally. i too wonder if it's too late but i'm not gonna wait any longer. so go for it! i am. good luck.
Hi SuperShy! I can't stop nodding my head while reading through your story, because I myself has been in the exact situation, or rather I'm still going through it. Right now I'm still struggling and I am really starting from scratch. I am as compassionate as you, I would really give up everything for someone, even if it means sacrificing my life or my own happiness. This is the main problem I always encounter even during my childhood, I easily get attached and I'm always on the losing end. I never stood up for myself, I always end up forgiving people for treating me bad, for disrespecting me, for lying and cheating on my face... I get numb in the process... I am a pathetic loser who only wanted to be loved and be happy, yet in the end no matter what I do I still lose. I know at some point I have to stand up for myself, and only now I've realized that I've let myself down because I trusted too much, because I rely too much on my emotions and I've let this people who passed by my life ruined and treat me like dirt. I'm 33 yrs. old, I am an EXPAT living ALONE in Dubai, my heart has been smashed for God knows how many times already, I am still broken hearted and at the same time broke. I went downhill, almost kill myself more than three times. But I just woke up one day, telling myself ENOUGH is ENOUGH, either I have to face it and do something about it or I would go CRAZY. Now, one step at a time I'm trying to rebuild the life those people took away from me. I am not blaming them, I am blaming myself because it took me to hit rock bottom before I can start figuring out what I have to do with my life, with or without that person I love so much. So here I am, trying to live one day at a time, one step at a time. I'm on a very difficult situation, and there's nothing I can do about it except pick the broken pieces of me, glue it together and move on with my life. I cannot say I'm doing great now, honestly I am not, but I need to, I have to FOR MYSELF.
You are not too old. I am older than you, in much the same situation and decided to make some changes. I started doing things i always wanted, met new people and this year i have even gone back to school. I am struggling right now regarding coming out, but generally life is much better than i would have imagined even two years ago. For me it was simply that i was miserable and had nothing to lose by trying. I wish you all the best and i hope you can find your answers.
