Feel like I don't belong

I am gay and I don't give an effing damn about gay culture.

Sexuality has nothing to do with what you enjoy in life or what kind of people you hang around. I prefer to be with people with similar taste then being with people with similar sexual identity.

This is why I kinda don't like exclusively gay related things, like game guilds or solely gay forums. It is another kind of prison you put yourself into.

Just be yourself and enjoy life. You are the one living your life. Life is a big amazing picture and I want to enjoy every color I want to enjoy. Not what someone/society told me to enjoy. We are gay but before that we are Capser and White Knight.

Love yourself and be happy. (*hug*)

 

Hi Casper22,

What you are experiencing is a common fallacy, a logical trap that many of us fall into: the fallacy of Hasty Generalization (Dicto Simpliciter, also called “Jumping to Conclusions,”).

The "Gay Scene" that you can see is not the entire gay world, what you are literally seeing are the LGBT people who tend to go out at bars and clubs, which can appear to be somewhat homogenous. However, not all LGBT people like to go to these places, not even the majority, if you believe the statistics that about 10% of the population is less than straight. But, because we are otherwise invisible, it is easy to fall into this mistake.

I recognize that it might make it easier for you to both meet people and integrate into the community, such as it is. I have found other outlets, like joining a gay choir and volunteering for a LGBT hotline. In both cases, I still feel a little bit like an outsider, but that is natural, I just became part of all this in the past year. I expect it will just be a matter of time and connections.

For you too, time and connections are what you need. It is inevitable that you will meet people among LGBT folk with whom you can relate and when you do, you will soon enough find yourself in a circle of friends and acquaintances...and even lovers...

 

Casper22,
I think many of us here feel the way you do.

As I see it, many people struggle with a sense of "self" when they realize that they're gay. It's hard to find role models: self-actualized, happy, non-alcoholic, etc. so it's easy to get lost. So they look for superficial ways to belong... a quick fix.

I watched so many guys suddenly wear the same Abercrombie and Fitch outfit, get the same haircut, the same awful fake tan, listen to the same music, and drink the same sweet cocktails. It was perhaps a reaction to having so little identity that this was a way to develop an artificial sense of belonging.

And there was one key benefit: they were and are visible. As part of this "culture," I think it's much easier to find dates. And, since the hey wear their sexual orientation on their sleeves, there is no stress about coming out. These aren't necessarily happy people. It's just their way of acclimating.

And then that leaves the rest of us. We have the benefit of following our own likes and dislikes, following careers, tastes, etc. that fit us rather than a "gay standard." But it is profoundly isolating.

I'm most baffled by the notion that if one doesn't follow stereotypes, it is a sign of repression. I have been shamed for saying that I hate "The Golden Girls." I'd rather chew on aluminum foil than watch that show. But gay and straight people alike seem to think that I'm secretly hiding a great passion for that wretched show.

One of my sisters once said that she wanted a "real" gay brother, because I don't like dancing or shopping.

Although I moved back to the US in 1992, Sydney already had this subculture firmly in place. I think it's like San Francisco in a way. If you're in the "scene," Sydney can feel amazing. But it's alienating for those of us who are less demonstrative.

Hold your ground. Do what you enjoy most. Wear the clothes you like, listen to music you enjoy, go on vacation where you will be happiest, and so forth. You do belong, it just doesn't always feel that way on the surface.

 

Hi Sean, I wondered what had happened to you! Glad it was just an account thing and not a ban or something.

I understand that feeling of disconnect from the stereotypes of so-called "gay culture". I felt it when I was your age, :***: years ago. In my case, it even went so far that I couldn't think of myself as gay at all, even though I never, ever thought of women in even remotely the same way I thought about men. I was convinced I was MAYBE bisexual, because I couldn't reconcile in my head that a generally quiet, serious, non-flamboyant person like myself could POSSIBLY be gay, because being gay meant partying, drugs, cheap anonymous sex, etc. I really had no idea how messed up and unfair my generalizations really were, or how much they would damage me in the long run by causing me to jump into the closet and lock the door behind me.

Gay people have made huge strides in acceptance over the past several years. But it's sad that, even among ourselves, we still can't seem to shake a lot of the stereotypes. Realistically, no matter what the group, you see the most obvious people who fit into the stereotypes the most easily, and can make a splash in the media. They are the most visible because they MAKE themselves visible, and people see them and assume everyone is like that. But for every flashy, flamboyant gay man who is instantly visible because he fits into every preconceived notion of what a gay man looks like, there are dozens who you might not even pick out as gay, because they are just regular guys who blend into the woodwork of all the other regular guys.

I always assumed once I started peeking out of the closet and stopped putting all my energy into "trying not to look gay", that I would be so instantly recognizable as gay that I'd start getting all sorts of weird looks and comments from people. It hasn't happened, and the gay man who has become my good friend has told me he would have a hard time picking me out as gay in a crowd, and I feel the same way about him. We're both very unremarkable in that respect. But it also makes it harder to find other people.

Greatwhale is right, time and connections are really what it takes. Become involved, even in only one or two things that you enjoy or feel committed with, and start networking. My wife and I sang together in the church choir, and while I was obviously "fishing in the wrong pond" when that happened, realistically--that's how straight people get together.

My mother used to say "Think about the kind of person you'd like to meet, and go where you think they would go". It would be easier if they all wore rainbow bracelets or pins, but there are a lot more average, nice, non-stereotypical gay people out there than you's ever realize.

John

 

I think what your feeling is normal. I feel it. The most visible and vocal of the gay community almost always echo the stereotype we grow up seeing.

I know I've sat back a million times thinking "I'm not like that" and growing up life would've likely been different if I saw a "version" of gay that resonated with me. Rationally we know that purely by statistics we can't be the only ones like this.

I think that's changing, we are being better depicted and with more and more people like atheletes coming out its opening people's eyes that not every gay guy fits the mold many think of.

The thing is the stereotypes are based on those who essentially had no choice but to be out, they couldn't hide it, couldn't blend in with the masses so they paved the way for everyone else. Now thankfully the next generations are getting exposed to more diverse role models and are able to see that you can be a sports loving, beer drinking, wing eating Everyman and still be gay.

It all starts with us letting the world and other gay people know that we exist. I had my first date last night and it was reassuring in that way to meet a guy who mirrored me in a lot of ways: sports, beer, outdoors etc etc and I'm sure to anyone viewing us it would've just seemed like two 'regular' friends out for a coffee. We are out there.

 

Thanks, allnewtome, you said it in a much more down to earth way than I did! I had lunch with my friend last week, and probably the only thing that would have drawn any attention to us was that by coincidence, we were both wearing the exact same lavender dress shirts. We're out there, just a little more challenging to find because, after all, being gay is not something freakish or weird. We're just everyday people who happen to look at other guys for our emotional, physical and romantic connections. You could pass us on the street and never know it. Which makes the whole networking thing important. Good luck!

 

One of the reasons I am so grateful to many of you here is that you constantly help re-balance and re-norm our skewed expectations about what is "normal." Thanks for the wise words reminding us to avoid stereotype traps and just be ourselves.

 

I totally get what you're saying. Although I have been attracted to men for as long as I remember, I was convinced that there's no way I could be gay. There is little of the so-called gay culture that interests me. I don't know the names of any of the Golden Girls. Showtunes are like nails on a blackboard. I love fast cars and I'm obsessed with sports, beer drinking and the outdoors. How could I possibly be gay?!?

In my case, the "gay culture" that's been rammed down our throats is almost as responsible as homophobia for keeping me in the closet. My progressive, tolerant family wouldn't have given a damn, but I just didn't feel I fit in as gay.

The fact that I really, really, really like men is what makes me gay. They are so hot, LOL. Even if or when I move forward coming out, the rest of me won't change to suit what culture nazis or Hollywood define as the description, other than the fact that I'll date, sleep with and hopefully marry a man.

 

Nicely said, everyone!

 

It's very hard to get past the stereotypes of what it is/means to be a gay man. The perception that all gay men are camp and effeminate is quite wrong, the perception that we are all fashionistas with a penchant for interior design is also wrong. Gay men can be as (if not more) masculine as any straight man.

Rewind 20-30 years and I think it was more difficult to meet other gay men without immersing yourself in the gay scene/culture, but the internet has opened up a whole new world. There are lots of different groups out there for gay men who are less involved in the cultural thing and online dating allows you to meet without going to the clubs and bars (if you are willing and keep an open mind).

All things are possible.

 

I had a friend who was macho-masculine, tall, bald, bodybuilder, and gay. He never felt like he fit in with our area's LGBT community because the men around here were the stereotypes that you are describing. But, like GreatWhale said, you are just seeing those who go out to party. If my friend had been more open to socializing at places where he was more comfortable (like the gym) he would have found that there was a gay community right there in the bodybuilders club!
You just need to allow yourself to relax where you are comfortable.

 

My wife and kids, bless them for their candor, have a tendency to say some ignorantly bigoted and profiled things. I think it is an effort to vent their distaste without being outwardly offensive towards me.

Have you heard "I don't have any problem with homosexuals, but I really don't like faggots." Or, "It's no wonder gay people run into prejudice. I don't like straight people who don't have enough sense to be discreet with their personal lives either."

In my neck of the woods, this is exactly what drove me into the closet. I'm not remarkably masculine, have a good sense of fashion, love to sing showtunes loud and could care less about cars, sports, hunting or ranching. You'd think I might identify with the typical face of gay culture - but I want nothing to do with it.

Suggest that I'm gay, or a homosexual, and I don't even flinch. Call me a faggot and I'll either shirk away in shame or hit you on the spot.

I'm glad you brought up this issue. In reading and responding, I find I'm very sensitive to it and hadn't thought about it much.

In my area though, my research for support groups or even gay friendly therapists has turned up nothing and more nothing. Therapists around here are only for the rich, and support groups are only for the addicted.

Thank you, LGBT Later in Life, you are my only hope!

Ted

 

The problem I have is being a gay man in orientation, but in every other way living a "straight" life. That is why I don't fit properly in either culture. It confuses gay people who don't understand how I can do this, and confuses straight people that I so strongly support gay rights and feel entirely comfortable around gay people while not "identifying" as gay by my "lifestyle". What they see appears to be a straight man with an unusual interest in gay topics and groups, which is a contradiction that has become "normal" to me, but not to them. When I hear terms like "faggot" being used, I try to explain to them that referring to a gay person as a faggot is analogous to calling a black person a "nigger" to their face, and is an act of disrespect, even though they have done nothing but say what is true and what they are honestly thinking. Since I am straight to them, they don't know why I care to point this out. The idea of explaining to them that I am gay in orientation but married, is usually way out of their comprehension zone, so I guess they just get confused about why I am pointing this out to them.

Like others of you, I don't feel comfortable in a gay club setting, not because the people there are gay, but because I would feel just as uncomfortable in a "titty bar" setting. I don't like those kind of places and never have, at any age. It is probably because I am more oriented to an "emotional" connection to other men than a physical one. I am always looking for a friend who "has my back" and wants to do things with me, sports or bike riding or motorcycle riding, or something like that, than someone who wants to "get into my pants". I realize that that makes me the odd man out, since most men find it difficult to express emotions outwardly, and probably partly explains why I drifted into hetero marriage, rather than exploring my gay orientation way back when. So, when someone says they don't feel like they "fit into the gay scene", brother, I know what you are talking about; I fit in everywhere, and nowhere.

 

For what it's worth, some of us lesbians have the same issue. I'm struggling to find an LGBT environment for someone like me who doesnt like sports, camping, bars, dancing, etc. And I have kids, so carving out time for other community activities complicates it even more.

 

I think all of us have the "I don't fit" feeling at one time or another. I know that, in my 20s, I was one of the 'S&M Crowd' (stand and model). Then I realized that there was more to me...and others...than that. Many many many of us are just living ordinary, boring lives on typical tree-lined streets. It's not like we are trying to 'pass', many of us tired of the 'scene'. I went out with some friends a while back to a bar that we used to go to. The clientele had changed (somewhat - there were still a few of the 'old crowd' there), but I found that it really hadn't changed...same music (one song indistinguishable from the next), same conversations...same. I looked around and thought: how did I stand this and some of these people? Then I came to the realization that I had been one of 'those people'. I looked around at some of the guys that I used to hang out with...now middle aged and sitting alone on bar stools. They were depressed looking and many wondered why no one was talking to them. They had become the group that THEY THEMSELVES used to largely ignore.

It is sad that a large faction of our community still wishes to overlook persons 'of a certain age'.

I have widened my circle of friends over the years and it's so much more diverse. And I have come to realize that a good cup of coffee and some quiet conversation with a friend or two beats the thumpa thumpa music and over-priced, watered-down drinks any day!

And at MY house, everyone fits in. We are all beautiful, unique, gifted and love able in our respective ways.

 

Brave Prince -

I completely agree that "certain word" has similarly derogatory connotations as an ethnic slur.

I see from your post that you're in Colorado. There are definitely gay-friendly therapists and a few support groups in the Denver/Boulder area. If you're outside the Denver area, things may be a bit more isolated. (I personally know of guys who travel from both northern and southern Colorado to Denver in order to socialize with other gay men.)

To find a gay-friendly therapist, Psychology Today has a Web site that allows you to search for therapists. Follow this link: Colorado (CO) Therapists, Psychologists, Counseling - Therapist Colorado (CO) - Psychologist Colorado (CO). Then click "Gay Issues" in the "Sexuality" category. This will give you a list of therapists who are supportive of LGBT clients. The first page has therapists in every metro area around Colorado.

They only list licensed therapists with master's degrees or higher. As such, you shouldn't encounter any of the religious brain-butchers in their directory. But because counselors and therapists have advanced education, they are expensive. For me, it hurts to write that check but it's been worth it because I really got down on myself last year.

 

Booklvr2,
Thank you for chiming in. It's so easy for me to forget that the "scene" exists for lesbian women as well. It's just a different set of expectations and perceived norms.

 

I'm still trying to find my place or belonging, its a relief to see a few others feel similar.

Persevere Casper22, I'm sure your will find solace somewhere...

Andy, South Coast NSW