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Married, love my wife but it's an impossible lie

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Jezza69, Mar 24, 2014.

  1. Jezza69

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    Like so many stories, I am in a difficult place - married for 22 years to a woman 12 years my senior with 2 teenage children.

    She has the dream, I have the nightmare and I am truly stuck. I am not quite sure how I ended up married but I did, I fell in love with my wife and I don't remember feeling gay at the time but clearly I was and am.

    Recently someone I met a few years ago and had a relationship with (also married) contacted me and whilst I have survived through years of depression and living on Prozac it has brought it to a head again ... He is me out and divorced and not that I may leave for him, it is more about hurting my wife. I have managed to live this lie for 22 years and surely the pain will subside and I can just continue taking the tablets but I feel myself going downhill again - a dark place I don't want to go.

    I just don't want to hurt my wife but I know its not fair - we are happy (well content) , good friends but we don't talk ... We have a relatively stressful life but its good standard of living and she is 57 so is ready to start slowing down - how can I desert her ...?

    I just want people to be happy, even if at my expense but I feel this is going to blow up and we will all be unhappy ....

    Just wanted to talk ....
     
  2. greatwhale

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    Hey Jezza69, welcome to EC!

    There is so much pain in what you wrote, it's probably safe to say that most of us here who were married when we shouldn't have been recognize this all too well.

    Many of us went sleepwalking through life, mostly by trying to please people. Which, when you think about it, is a semi-effective strategy for avoiding conflict and the pain that goes with it. But you pay for this with another, deeper, pain: the dark closet and the deep depression that too often goes with it.

    Who could possibly advocate causing another person pain? Nevertheless, you yourself are suffering. Those that love you, your wife included, may be able to see past their own potential for loss and acknowledge that your pain is real and debilitating. But you need to honour your own suffering, you need to take that very seriously, it affects everything you do, it affects your personality in ways you cannot even realize while ensconced in that closet.

    Are you able to get professional help with someone who understands LGBT issues?
     
  3. Jim1454

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    Hi there and welcome to EC! You've come to the right place.

    As greatwhale has suggested, counselling would be very helpful for you right now.

    I was in a similar place too - and came to realize that even if I stayed I would have destroyed the marriage with my depression and isolation. I would have been no good to anyone - married or divorced - if I didn't take care of me and get the help I needed.

    Your situation can play out in any number of ways, but at the moment you're making all the decisions because only you have all the relevent information. By bringing your wife into the discussion then she can share her thoughts on this too. Given the choice of living alone and living with someone who is miserable with his life, she might choose to live alone...

    But no decision needs to be made right away. Keep talking here. Many of us have been where you are and lived to tell about it.
     
  4. Runnerrunner

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    Welcome!

    You'll find many here with similar stories, mine included.

    I intended to just ride it out. I'd resigned myself to the depression and numbness knowing full well that the remainder of my life (40 yrs hopefully) would just be that way. It was all for the kids; how could I do anything to hurt them, or upset my wife's life? That plan lasted for about 4 years, but there was no burying it, meds or not. I reached the breaking point and was ready to kill myself. Thankfully I was able to see my plans clearly and realized THAT would do permanent damage to everyone. Better to be gay than dead, I decided. It was a 51:49 decision. It's been almost 18 months since then and we are all doing ok. It's not been easy, but I'm glad I'm alive and they are all glad too.

    One thing my ex has said since, when my mother was trying to force us to stay together, is that she didn't WANT half a husband because that's exactly what she had and didn't deserve. That hurt, but it was true. We're better as official best friends, which in a lot of ways was all we were anyway.

    Hang in there; you'll find the right answer.
     
  5. Jezza69

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    Thanks to you for responding, it is good to know I am not alone even if it feels at times I am very alone.

    I sway day to day as to what I can cope with but the underlying theme is that it is not really IF I tell my wife, rather WHEN. And your thoughts that actually it may be the right thing for her help me.

    What I do know is though that since I spend so much time crying that it has to be sometime soon - it is just the pain I am going to cause that is killing me inside. I dont know if she has any idea or not, my daughter does (as she teases me about it) but the truth is somewhat different.

    My 'friend' who contacted me recently is going to get a person who is a gay dad and was married to meet up with me to talk things through but I do think some professional help is needed also.

    I think I need to take one step at a time and get myself in to a better place personally and then be ready to support whatever happens next - I just hope that my wife doesnt ask me whats wrong before then as I will have to tell her the truth...

    Thanks again for the views ... reading on here is helpful ... it does seem that once people have got to the point they search this place out, they tend to come out ... scary.
     
  6. Jezza69

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    Its the weekend and I feel lousy ... this is difficult but then you know that ... I look at my wife and just think she doesnt deserve to be hurt but then I think about how I can end it all making it look like an accident ... I fell I am going to have to crash and burn before this gets sorted ... maybe the sun will help and give me some postive thoughts today...

    I just wish I could find the courage to do the right thing ... I know what I need to do but ... its so difficult
     
  7. Choirboy

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    "Not if but when" describes it very well. I'm at a slightly different part of a similar journey, married 20 years with 2 teenage children, although I'm guessing I'm somewhat older than you are.

    There are others here who have gone to the same dark place you have. It's painful, and hard to get past. Accepting yourself and your own self-worth is a lot of work. Coming out to your spouse is not easy. I told my wife at the beginning of September because I had finally reached a point where I couldn't NOT tell her. I was both lucky and unlucky; she had suspected for a long time, and while she was angry and upset, nothing drastic happened, although now, months later, she seems to be coming (VERY gradually) to accept the notion that our marriage is on some very limited time. That took a lot of the stress off of me, but it also made some of the changes I DID want to see come about considerably more slowly.

    Others here have told their spouses and found themselves planning divorce within days of the announcement; some have allowed themselves to been thrown out of their homes. Not very comforting, you're probably thinking. I wouldn't dream of calling this process easy or sugar-coating it. But--and this is a really BIG "but"--in the end it's far more worth it than you can begin to imagine. The amount of emotion and energy we waste trying to hold the closet door shut and make sure no one finds out our secret, keeps us from loving and caring for everyone, including ourselves. It keeps us from enjoying life, from being healthy people, and from sharing all the love we have in our hearts.

    And a big part of the pain you're feeling IS love. Love for your wife and what you think you'll be doing to her; love for your children and how you probably fear this will affect them. Probably the only one NOT being a target for all the love you have in your heart is....you.

    It's really not selfish at all to think about yourself first. One of my standard analogies is the speech that you get before the plant takes off, about how if the oxygen masks pop out, put one on yourself before you run around the plane helping others with theirs. As people in the closet, we're suffocating because we have no air, but we are trying desperately to make everyone ELSE'S lives better by being a good spouse, a good parent, a good son or daughter, without realizing how locked up we are inside our own closet, and how stifled we are. It's exhaust, and it kills your spirit.

    I can tell you from my own experience, that I was pretty uncomfortable a little over a year ago when I started telling a few people I was gay, and I didn't exactly rush into it. Told a few trusted people at work, and that was it, until I felt eventually that the only fair thing was to tell my wife and daughters. I'm up to perhaps a dozen people now, and am comfortable enough that I really only hold back because my wife is still adjusting. And I can also tell you that even though probably 95% of my life is no different than it was before (for better or worse!), that 5% that HAS changed is the most important 5%, much more than I ever imagines. I can accept myself; I can even like myself, which NEVER happened before; I can stand up for myself (well, still learning some of that!); I can love and be loved, which was far and away the last thing I expected. No, it's not easy, not for the person coming out or for their spouse. But once you put on the oxygen mask and realize what it feels like to breathe again, you can function better emotionally, and you can help the people around you deal with what happens next.

    Keep us posted. EC is full of people who have gone through, or are going through, this. Closeted gay men in straight marriages make up a much larger number of people that you know--it's kind of shocking. And once we accept it, many of us are still there for the same reasons as you--fear, more even for our families than ourselves. But it can be done.
     
  8. GayDadStr8Marig

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    I've been in the darkness like you, I really should have gotten help at the time. Some how I pulled out of the depression and anxiety about accepting myself and am now out to basically everyone but the kids. Less than 6 months ago the idea of that would have been ludicrous to me. I have to give a great deal of credit to the good people here who showed me that I am worthy of love. Anticipating the pain of ending a 19 year relationship was a debilitating for a while. I have since realized that I was in more pain by putting the inevitable off.
     
  9. Brave Prince

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    Jeeza69,

    You're original post brought tears to my eyes (this is all very new and raw for me right now too). Your expression has such feeling, and such love for your wife.

    I'm just guessing, but if your daughter has figured it out, and you are depressed, your wife likely knows - even if she doesn't (consciously).

    From what I've read, and what I'm experiencing - we do our wives no favors by excluding them from the honest truth impacting their daily love lives. I would call it an act of love to tell her, and propose that on a psychological level, we may be more selfish inside the closet than outside. Secrets are a poison to intimacy, and wounds are the foundation upon which we grow; all of us. I'm not suggesting it's easy, far from it: You are staring at what may be the most courageous moment of your lives. For those of us people pleasers who hide behind our generosity of spirit, this is as scary as learning to fly, but when from our personal prison, we place others in chains.

    You will find two very different camps of stories here. Those whose friendships with their wives survived, and those whose deceit fed a lingering dysfunction. Again, I propose courage. Courage to end the dysfunction, if that's what must be done - or courage to give your wife and best friend her own chains, so she might herself make an informed choice as to where and if she reattaches them.

    Please keep posting. Your story helps us all; and as soon as we read it, we care.

    Ted
     
  10. Jezza69

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    Thank you all for your comments ... The weekend was 'fine' - I actually had a pleasant day out with my wife on Saturday but Sunday was more difficult as it was Mother's Day ... We went to a christening which was in the church I was married in just to bring on the guilt of what I may do.

    Then my mother and sister came over, all happy families and I just sat there thinking can I really ruin this all....

    We went out for supper and there are lovely pictures of my wife and kids smiling and I look at them all thinking again, how can I take this all away? I just have to get on with it.

    So, today, I wake up and think I just have to get back in the closet and close the door from the inside and manage a few hours like that, accepting that maybe that is how it has to be but then after a couple of glasses of wine, I feel more at ease with myself and realise it needs to change and see glimmers of hope that it could all work out ok.

    I make arrangements to see my 'friend' this week and I fear that I will be happy and that I shouldn't be ... I fear that I will want that life not the one I have and am trapped in. I end up feeling guilty at it all I do and infidelity is added to the list.

    Then tonight my wife wraps her arms around me and says now much she likes spending time with me ... What a mess ...

    The only thing I will take to bed this evening is that reading a few entries on here is that depression is a common theme ... I did a few tests and my depression is severe ... I can't remember what its like to not be depressed and wonder if it may be better or can a life without this dark cloud be in reach ...

    I will think on ....
     
  11. Clay

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    It sounds like being in this marriage is unfair to both of you.
     
  12. Jezza69

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    Today I am in a horrible place. I saw my gay friend yesterday evening and had a wonderful evening feeling happy and at ease.

    Feeling I can take my time to try to get this right my wife now wants to give up her job to help the 'stress' in the house as well as saying how wonderful our weekend was last week. This just makes it so hard.

    I know I am not strong enough to face this, I feel trapped - I have has to come out of the office today I am so physically upset ...

    I am just feeling (know) I am going to crash land and am frightened. I know what I should do but I just can't ... I know there is no quality of life for me back in the closet but I will destroy everything and that guilt may be too much too.

    How have others got through this?
     
  13. mawwhite

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    I think for me it was simply coming to the conclusion there was no going foward without serious pain. Once I accepted that then its just a matter of moving forward (yah I know not easy). It is going to hurt you and your wife and there's no getting around that but do you believe you have choice? You need to be who you are and your wife deserves a chance. Also I think many of us postponed moving forward waiting for a better occasion, hoping magically if we wait somehow, somewhere there will be a better time to tell our spouses, but there isn't.
     
  14. Brave Prince

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    You have no idea how things will go until you give your wife the honest communications she needs to make informed decisions. Until she knows, the possibilities are mostly anxiety, deceit, affairs, porn, seclusion, etc; a lot of what you are or have already been facing. After you tell her, there may be more of the same, but there other possibilities too, because the truth allows people to use their tool basket for good, if they wish to. You may find friendship, teamwork, honesty, understanding, love, and patience on the other side of the closet door (not a guarantee). There is a guarantee of more deep pain if things stay the way they are, and that may not change, but the possibility of you loving your life involves your wife knowing the truth first.

    I say all that to give you hope, so you know that the anxiety that is killing you now can find resolution. There is hope.

    I also state that as fact, but it is my opinion only, based on my experience.

    Sending you love and comfort as you are lost on panic. It is such a hard place!

    Ted
     
  15. CuteZhemn

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    Guess its just me but how u love your wife if u want to divorce her cuz you like another gender? Safe marriage and kids would be my life no matter how much i liked women. I guess im just way too young to understand why my dads age man would leave his family. Guess as daughter its painfull to hear :frowning2:
     
  16. Jim1454

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    You can and you will get through this. But not without help.

    Have you spoken with your doctor about your depression? You should. Medication and / or counselling can help. You don't need to figure this out all on your own, or suffer through it without some kind of assisstance.

    You were reflecting on the lovely picture of your wife and kids smiling. Do you really think that if you were to come out and separate from your wife that your wife and kids would never smile again?!? Because they would. Sure - there would be tears and sadness and anger - but there most certainly would be smiles. And sooner than you would probably imagine.

    My wife remarried. My husband and I were at her wedding. My kids are happy and well adjusted. Her and her husband were at our wedding the following summer.

    You were reflecting on your familiy coming over for a visit. Do you think that if you were to come out and separate that you'd never have family getogethers again?!? Because you would.

    We would still get together for birthdays. My kids still spend time with my parents and their cousins - and my ex wife would be welcome as well except her new husband is too insecure to be comfortable hanging out with his wife's gay ex husband. That's his issue to deal with.

    I guess my point is that after coming out and separating from my wife, there hasn't been a dark and gloomy cloud hanging over me and my family the entire time. I didin't ruin their lives. I haven't condemned them to a life of misery and unhappiness. We all got over the initial disruption and change - and life carried on. And truth be told, we're better off I'm sure than we would have been had I stayed in the closet and become more and more miserable and depressed. It wasn't going to get better - it was only going to get worse.

    It is a huge decision to make - no doubt. It's one that I didn't really even make. I was caught in my own infidelity, so I didn't have a choice. My wife made these choices for me once she realized what was going on. But it was the best thing for me, and for us as a family - given the circumstances.

    (And I should add that I also contemplated - at the time - if my wife and kids would have been better off with my life insurance money. But I thankfully didn't pursue that line of thinking. Life continues to have it's ups and downs but I'm in a wonderful relationship with the most amazing man in the world, and I still enjoy a great relationship with my kids and ex wife. And everyone else in my life to be honest.)
     
  17. Jezza69

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    Thank you all (again) for talking to me - it really helps.

    You are right that whilst it will not be easy, to tell the truth is what I should do if I love my wife. It is heartening to hear the many families do get on, often for the better and I need to ensure that I remember that. My children are practically grown up and I can be a better father without this dark cloud and hopefully in time they will appreciate this too.

    I do have medication and I take it and I am searching out a counsellor to help me through this - it cannot go on like this for anyone and I hope that my wife can see that I mean her no hurt even if it is what I do.

    She has to know tonight that I am troubled as I don't want her to give up her job if the circumstances are to change - I don't really have the energy for the full discussion this evening but will have to see how the conversation goes.

    Thanks again all - I truly appreciate your comments and will update again soon
     
  18. GayDadStr8Marig

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    I would suggest that knowingly locking yourself in the closet and choosing a life of despair would be far more devastating, not only to you, but also to your family and friends. Your wife deserves the truth about you and your relationship. With that information she is then empowered to talk to you about the future. There is no way to know what that means, and it is frightening, but the alternative is certainly a dark place. Talk to your counselor, or someone you trust. Work on accepting yourself, and gaining the strength to be honest with your wife.
     
  19. mawwhite

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    CuteZhemn responded:

    "Guess its just me but how u love your wife if u want to divorce her cuz you like another gender? Safe marriage and kids would be my life no matter how much i liked women. I guess im just way too young to understand why my dads age man would leave his family. Guess as daughter its painfull to hear"

    I think you bring a great point CuteZhemn and worth discussing, if for no other reason to persuade other young people who might be considering entering into mixed orientation relationships to think twice (or a thousand times) about doing so. It does seem unfathomable that someone your dad’s age would leave his family because of his sexual orientation. It seemed that to me when I entered my mixed orientation marriage. When I got married it was the furthest thing from my mind that it would not work. I loved my wife, and even for a while forget I was gay. But denying a piece of yourself slowly eats at your sole. Maybe at first you don’t notice, but the drinking begins, then the emotional isolation, then physical isolation, then depression kicks in as the final message that you are killing yourself. I don’t think any of us saw this coming and we spend many years trying to beat it…only to sink in some abyss until we finally acknowledge that we are ruining ours and most important our families lives. It is a sad state that we feel the need to enter into mixed orientation relationships as many of us who grew up in the days before the 90’s heard nothing but horrible messages about ourselves as kids, heard the only choice is a straight world. I am glad that is changing, and hopefully in the future less people will feel the need to enter into these relationships. Until that time families are going to be hurt. If you are young and reading this, a mixed orientation relationship is doomed, please be yourself and live your life as you should. Don’t let anyone make you think you should live “their” version of life.