As I've said elsewhere, I've been married to him for almost 5 years, together for almost 8. He knew I was bisexual when we married and he knew about my 3 previous relationships with women. We have a 2 year old daughter and are living as expats in Korea. I've only come out to my aunt and a few close friends. It's been a little over a month since I first started opening myself up to the possibility of being a lesbian (I had a major breakdown over it on Valentine's Day). I don't have anyone to talk to in person about this, since Korea is a very closeted country in general regarding LBGT things. I know my husband feels me being distant and we haven't had sex since that time. I've often slept in the other room. He knows I've been depressed but I am starting to feel better and more active since going on medication. I am still not sure whether I'm fully a lesbian or just strongly lesbian leaning at this point. I'm not sure whether I want to stay married and I'm not sure that I have any energy left to give to our relationship. I am pretty sure he wouldn't go for an open marriage and I'm worried he will have an extreme reaction to stressful news like this (for example, telling his work that we should go home to the States with no input from me, which would be really difficult for me to deal with at this point). So given all that, should I tell him now/soon? If so, how should I tell him about these feelings I'm having? Should I wait until I make some concrete decisions before telling him so that it's not all up in the air and more stressful on him? Any advice is really appreciated.
Marie Welcome to EC. Your amongst friends here. Some of our situations is similar. I am 38... I have a 3yo son with my now xgirlfriend of 5yrs. I was a closeted bisexual when we met. I was finally able to come out to her as "having an attraction for men" in Oct. The coming out has been quite enlightning. I used to think I was a bisexual mostly into woman. That is not how I identify myself today. I would consider myself Gay with an occasional attraction to women. Labels are what they are but my point is I have learned a lot about my sexuality the last few months while coming out. I was lucky my GF was really cool and gave me sometime to figure out where I was at and together we made a decision as to our relationship. Of coarse we can't tell you when you should come out to your husband and things appear to me to be complicated for you. It is important for you to protect yourself and only come out in a safe environment. I would want to be fully aware of the legal consequences of a break up for you living in Korea as far as your daughter is concerned.
I agree with closeted father, make sure you know where you stand before telling him. Will your family support you if you come out? How did your Aunt react? I can't tell you when to come out but I can tell you my story. I'm not sure it will fill you with confidence though. I am married with 2 children. I told my husband in November that I am bisexual. He was very supportive at the time but a month later everything changed. He changed and I found out he's been seeing someone else so we are separating. This is really difficult and he has threatened to tell everyone about me. I'm now scared if I fight him on custody he will out me. Of course nothing will stop me seeing my kids so I will have to live with that but it is very stressful. Very few people know including my family so I'm scared i will lose their support. I'm not trying to scare you but you have time to make sure if things turn bad you and your children will be ok. Get some advice and if you can talk to your family. In my experience if you are feeling like you are you will have to come out in the end. I think you just need to protect yourself. I hope I haven't scared you. You have my support and I really do feel for you. Plus I don't regret coming out. I see my future as being far more relaxed than now. Stay strong. (*hug*)
My aunt is very supportive. I'm not sure how supportive my parents would be. My mom had a bad reaction in the past to me telling her about my relationship with another girl at 19. But I know that she would support me now if I told her I was a lesbian. Mostly I just wonder if I should talk to my husband now and tell him I'm uncertain about things or wait until I am more certain about things.
I think you have to judge that yourself. For me I knew I had got to the point where i had to be honest with my husband. He is quite a strong minded person though and if he doesn't like something he never backs down. It depends on your husband, if you feel he is able to cope with it without it effecting your relationship then talk to him. What are you looking for after you tell him? What do you want him to say or do? I know it is a really difficult choice to make and no one can tell you what to do. Just know that whatever you decide and whatever happens you can come here for support. It's fantastic that your Aunt is supportive have you spoken to her about talking to your husband? Does she know him well? Maybe she can help with this decision. Personally I get the feeling you are at the point of no return. I know this sounds scary but I think you need to be yourself. It will come out in the end. However you do have control about how and when you do it. Think about what you truely want for the future. If you didn't have a husband and children where would you be? I'm not saying you never should have by the way I'm just saying look at it without the complications first. Sorry if I'm not very helpful, it's so difficult. I hope things work out for you. X
