Jewish Divorce Today

Greetings folks,

Well, today is the day of the divorce ceremony (the "Get"). On my way to the Jewish court, the Beth Din, I will be bringing with me 400 bucks and the ketubah (traditional Jewish wedding contract) that I made myself for the occasion or our wedding 21 years ago. I had to do it twice because I wasn't satisfied with my first attempt at Hebrew calligraphy:



This document specifies the day, date and place of the wedding and the husband's traditional obligations with regard to supporting the wife. Quite traditional, and in today's context unacceptably sexist. Interestingly, it already spells out the amounts that I would have to pay in case of divorce (in a currency called "zuzim", I don't know if there is a conversion rate for zuzim to CDN but I'm quite sure I'm paying it now with spousal and child support!).

I'm not sure what they're going to do with the document, I am told it is to be torn...if it is, I will take that as a powerful statement of the end of our marriage, laden with emotion and significance. The perfect artistic statement if you think about it, who knows, I may put the torn pieces back in the frame it lived in during our marriage as a reminder to never again get into something like this without being absolutely sure (and even then...).

 

If it does get torn, I don't see it as a shame. This document was always about theatricality, it looked impressive up there on the stage as the cantor read it during the wedding ceremony, and I suspect it will look impressive during the divorce ceremony.

There's a beautiful quote by W.B. Yeats:

The customs of our tradition are very much geared to bring forth new beginnings, whether at a wedding or a divorce, the ceremony and ritual are meaningful and touch us deeply. They mark milestones that are memorable and involve the whole community.

As an aside: my ex-wife has often made the snide remark (when she suspected my gayness) that there was a reason I drew two male birds (they're supposed to be peacocks) facing each other...:dry:

 

Thank you for your message, and welcome to EC! I am truly sorry to hear of your illness!

You are both very lucky to be getting along so well, I am truly envious. In my case, there has been so much unnecessary drama surrounding this. Yes, it is tragic that the marriage had to end, but all the revenge tactics that followed on her part have been costly and damaging to any future collaboration she and I could undertake to continue parenting our kids.

Yes, "freedom" is indeed what it is. In Jewish law marriage is forever in the sense that even after a formal divorce, the husband (rightly) has obligations of support, and I assume these obligations wholeheartedly. All I can hope is that time will heal these wounds.

 

So...it's done.

The Beth Din consists of three rabbis, there were also two "professional witnesses" and a scribe.

They went through a thorough check of my name and any other names or nicknames I could be known as (I didn't mention greatwhale...), they made sure that I was doing this of my own free will and that I had made no oaths or commitments related to the Get prior to this, going so far as to invalidate any such oaths or agreements that I could have made in error.

The wife has to receive the Get from me directly, going so far as having the scribe give me the writing materials (in front of witnesses) so that I can delegate the writing of the Get back to him with "my" writing implements.

I had to wait an hour for the Get to be written. At the end of that, I "gave" back the writing implements to the scribe. The two witnesses and the rabbis checked if everything was in order with the text, the witnesses signed. The plain-text hand-calligraphied document, having no other writing or images on it, was then folded in a certain way, given to me and I held it in both raised hands while I recited words to the effect that I release her to marry other men and that we are now divorced.

During this time, her hands were raised, palms up ready to receive the document. She was not supposed to move or to appear to reach and take it from me, it had to be received completely passively. I gently put the Get in her hand, she was then instructed to fold it and to place it under her right arm, against her chest, and to take a few symbolic steps away from me.

When I gave her the document, she didn't even look at me...

We were both given official certificates of divorce with our pictures on it, we each signed two copies. The marriage contract (ketubah), pictured above, was unceremoniously folded in four, after lines were drawn across it, invalidating the ketubah. As it really belongs to her, she had the final say on what to do with it; she decided to leave it in their offices. I will never see it again, which is fine by me.

Everyone was kind, it was done efficiently. One of the witnesses came to the waiting room to chat with me while we waited. They wished us all good luck and then we left. For years I had visions of me walking out of this ceremony jumping in the air and kicking my heels. But I realized that I no longer think like a married man, I had already been through the rabbit hole; I am alone again. I calmly walked out and started to think of other things, I was completely indifferent, no emotion, nothing.

Now, I am fully "free".

 

Perceptive eye, Tightrope. Indeed the little hands on the left are of my ex, and the hand on the right is mine, with the newly placed wedding band...it was a very nice wedding actually...

 

:roflmao: well that's perfect, what with Passover coming!

By the way, I forgot to mention that right after the Get ceremony today, I went for a doctor's appointment; the same GP I've been seeing since the early 90's, and I came out to him.

I had to because a series of blood tests I had done at a gay-friendly clinic will need to be sent to him and well, just because I felt like shaking things up a little....maybe that's what you meant Annika, how the emotion surfaces in unexpected ways...

 

Maybe it's a guy thing, maybe it isn't...but being a catch implies I might get caught with Mr. Wrong this time!

Confirmed bachelorhood is looking pretty good after all this...:dry: