Hi all, I posted a brief response to a thread a week or more ago but wanted to start a new one mostly to say high and introduce myself. Like many of you I have known I was gay for a very long time somewhere around 10ish. I kind off floundered through my 20s. Then I went to grad school and afterwards wanted a "normal" life. So, in my 30s fell in love with my wife and we eventually married. For the rest of my 30s and early 40s did have much trouble keeping my gay side under raps as I did feel a need to really acknowledge it. But then the trouble began in the marriage, and the void got replaced with a need to scream to the world I was gay. I continued to ignore until depression set in earlier this year. Have been seeing a therapist who has really helped me see what I needed to do...accept I'm gay (or more importantly embrace I'm gay). Things are complicated now with a wife and kids. It was very difficult and I am still numb, but I did come out to my wife two weeks ago. Not sure how she took it has she has been not spoken too much. Probably she is going through the mourning process. But we both want to have the best for our kids so we will work a out a divorce with them in mind. Today my brother dropped by and I told him we were divorcing. I wanted to also tell him I was gay. Not sure how he would respond, but I do know he would keep it to himself. But I chickened out. I would appreciate any advice on coming out to family. Not sure I ever will to my parents as they spend hours a day watching fox and friends and I'm sure not sympathetic to LGBT people. So if any has any tricks they would share about coming out I would appreciate it. Or maybe its just like jumping in cold water, you just have to do it without thinking. But I am very disappointed I did not tell him. Thanks
Hi there and welcome to EC! You're in the right place. I was married and with young children when I came to acknowledge that I was gay in my mid 30s. I came out to my wife, therapist and GP, and that was it at first. I just wasn't ready. I told people that my wife and I were separating and when they asked why I said "The reasons are personal and we'd rather not discuss them." and that put an end to that line of questioning. It took me another 8 months before I came out to my parents. A month later to my sister. Over a year later to my own kids, and then shortly after that to my extended family and people at work. You can do it at whatever pace you want. But it does help to have at least a few people in your camp who know and are supportive. Counselling for you, your wife, and both of you as a couple would be helpful right now as you work through this very difficult time in your lives. Doing what is best for the kids is what is most important right now. And being the best parents - together - is necessary to do that.
Parallel stories abound, you're in good company here. The only thing that worked for me was facing the truth for myself and then finding the courage to come clean with my wife. I don't think that there is a right way to go with coming out. The only way is to be honest with yourself and your family.
mawwhite, Wow... a lot has happened in the past couple of weeks! I certainly understand your fears about talking with your brother. No guarantees, but I'm often amazed by how even the most conservative people rethink their beliefs when a family member comes out. When you're ready, it's probably worth a try. Meanwhile, congratulations on moving forward with your life, being assertive, and for joining us here.
I don't have any words or advice, but I know if this day ever comes for me, I'll need lots of (*hug*) . So I'll bet you can use them too. (&&&)
(*hug*) When I came out it was to my friends (who are lesbians), then my three boys (one at a time), then my folks. That took a total of about a week. When somebody in my college class asked if I was ever going to get married again I said, "I can't legally do that in Kansas". Forward several months and my boss sees a shirt I am wearing and asks about it. It says - Seneca Falls, Selma, Stonewall - on it. He starts talking about Stonewall in a positive way and I come out to him. It was and is a process. I am quite open and frank about who I am infatuated with (love is coming, just not quite there yet) but not everybody knows. Extended family has found out but that doesn't bother me. I've got two brothers who don't approve of my "lifestyle" but tease me about it rather than lambaste me. Friends I used to have in church say I'm going to hell to my face but I don't talk to them anymore. Not everybody will take your revelation and love you but you must ultimately love yourself and live with yourself. Hugs to you. (*hug*)
Welcome to EC! My first suggestion would be to get Joe Kort's wonderful book "Ten Smart Things Gay Men can Do to Find Real Love (not to be confused with his other "Ten Smart THings" book.) The book has almost nothing to do with finding real love, but everything to do with understanding and accepting yourself. There are several chapters that address the special issues of heterosexually married gay men and coming out. My second suggestion is to give yourself some credit and not beat yourself up about not telling your brother. It takes a lot to do that, and the fear always is that he will reject you, so give yourself permission to take time and share that information when you're ready. I'd also suggest you check out Brené Brown's "The Power of Vulnerability" TED talk (and her other two, "Price of Invulnerability" and "Listening to Shame", if the first one connects with you.) Dr. Brown has studied how our fear of not "belonging" can dramatically impact our sense of self-worth and our willlingness to love ourselves and be open about who we are. I think you'll find her videos and Dr. Korts's book really useful. And, lastly... stick around here. There's a great community of people who are in, or have been in, the same situation you're facing, and we're all here to help each other.
Welcome mawwhite! I have a feeling you will soon be a regular here... Congratulations and whenever you need some help with that depression, come to the EC. You needn't even post if you don't want to, because just reading has a way of lifting the fog to gain a sense of community.
I still find that coming out is tough. Because for me it is a constant thing I have to keep doing, and not something I can do once and be done with it. A lifelong process for me. I found that coming out to strangers who do not really matter was good practice. I still have trouble coming out to coworkers who are important, and partners in business, etc.
Thanks for the suggestions everyone. I guess I'll take it one day at a time and look foward to some good reading.
When your church "friends" tell you you are "going to hell", just tell them that they are right, and you will enjoy spending the rest of eternity there with them. Or even better, find a different church.
