Background: 1. Wife was pretty pissed when I told her that I was gay. I had been a stay-at-home dad for 10 years. I couldn't find a job and eventually had to move 200 miles away and in another state. I picked a great city with a lot of LGBTQ resources and it's pretty gay-friendly. I had to leave the kid with STBX so that she could have stability and stay in the same school. 2. My daughter is 14 and told me about 2 months ago that she's bi. I responded well. Not a problem. I had kid this weekend. Today, she cried for 2 1/2 hours. Her grades are awful and she's extremely depressed. Daughter used to go to a counselor, but didn't want to go anymore because she thought it was a waste of time. Daughter asked to see a new counselor, but STBX refused. Said she has to go to the old one. Daughter declined. Daughter hates the city where she's living (I don't blame her). She says that STBX yells at her all the time over grades, etc, etc. Kid says that she wants to come live with me. I don't have the finances to fight STBX in court (she makes a lot of money, I'm barely surviving). So, I told kid that she's going to have to tell STBX that she wants to come live with me. Any suggestions? Thoughts? Advice? Thanks.
Tough situation! It may be necessary to come to some agreement with the STBX on changing the counselor, something I would find extremely difficult. The other option is for you to talk directly with the counselor and indicate to him or her what happened over the weekend. If the counselor has a shred of professional integrity, he or she would withdraw his or herself from your daughter's case and recommend someone your daughter feels more comfortable seeing. You could make it very clear that your STBX is not told of your conversation. Alternatively you can ask your daughter herself to request a different counselor, and the counselor his or herself could tell your STBX that this is necessary. Don't know if that will work, but it's worth a try...By the way, don't you also have to give your consent regarding which counselor your daughter sees? Is there any way you can arrange mediation or a settlement conference? This may not require a lawyer on your part and you would be in an environment where this could be discussed rationally.
Good luck Bear. If you have any common ground left with STBX, it would be good for you to at least bring up your concerns about your daughter with her. If your daughter is depressed she may not be capable of bringing up this stuff with her mom. When I struggled with depression in my late teens, it was hard for me to initiate anything.
God, I hate s**t like this! So, questions... She's your STBX? So the divorce isn't final? Has a settlement agreement been reached and filed? If not, you're still a parent with full legal rights. You could inform your STBX that a new therapist is in your daughter's best interests and request that she find a new counselor or get a recommendation from the current counselor. If she refuses, you are within your rights to contact the counselor directly, or to make an appointment for her. Assuming that your daughter's insurance is through your STBX, I suppose she could try to instruct the insurance company to deny authorization, or, if your daughter doesn't have her own insurance card, your STBX could refuse to give her one. But here's the thing. By Federal law, when a child reaches 13, he/she is allowed to make all their own personal medical decisions, and providers are required to keep all information completely confidential, unless they believe that the patient will self-harm or poses a danger to him/herself or to others. Even parents don't get to know what goes on without the child's signed release. (Except, of course, for abortion law in various states.) Even if you've reached a settlement, so long as the divorce isn't final, I don't believe the settlement is legally binding. In any case, if a settlement is still pending, make sure that all educational and medical decision are to be made jointly by you and your STBX (except for emergency treatment), and that any disagreements will be settled by mediation. This is a perfect example. Of course not. The question is, how did your STBX respond? Is she punishing her daughter for being Bi? Is she trying to "fix" her? If so, that may qualify as child abuse, depending on the state. If there's no final decree, what's the custody arrangement? Because your daughter has a right to go to court and make her case for custody. While the courts generally favor the mom, they will listen seriously to a 14-year-old's opinion, particularly when you've accepted her bisexuality and were her primary caregiver for 10 years. Since you were the stay-at-home dad, what are your STBX's obligations as to child and spousal support? You have rights here, and you shouldn't sign them away. I've been told that I'm often wrong but never in doubt, so you might want to send a note to the EC Admins, reference your thread, and ask for their opinion. They surely have way more experience with this stuff. Finally, you say you're barely surviving, but can you find a legal aid society, or spring for one consultation with a divorce and family attorney? It could pay big benefits. And if you're still ironing out a settlement, I'd go for a mediator. Good luck. I know, a child's depression, unhappiness, and tears will break any caring parent's heart. (*hug*)
