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Difficult situation

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by LostInside, Mar 29, 2014.

  1. LostInside

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    So, my boyfriend and i have been together a very long time. We both still live at home and were planning to finally get our own house. I came out to him last month and explained the conflicts I've been having and my concerns about getting a house. Both of our living situations suck and because of it we have both been kind of stuck in life. We need to get our own place so we can motivate each other and have more freedom and move forward in life. He can't afford to get his own apartment so we have decided to get one together. I owe it to him after all these years. It will allow us to have more time together and each take care of things we have been putting off for years because we have been too depressed and unmotivated to do anything. We are still together right now and plan to for a while anyway. If i meet someone while we are living together i think that will be a very difficult situation all around. We've talked about that possibility and he said he is okay with it. I know when the time comes it will be a different story and I'm pretty sure he knows that too. We both care so much about each other that we are going ahead with it anyway. It's not like I'm even looking right now anyway, I'm still trying to get used to the thought of it. Why not stay together if we are both mostly happy with the relationship? I think we both need each other right now while we get used to the idea of me being gay. We are pretty much each others sole supporter and confidant so neither of us really has anyone else to talk to about anything. I want to get an apartment with him so we can get our lives together and start setting goals and things like most people do. He can get on his feet and be able to get his own place with time.

    My sister knows we have been looking for a house and i told her the other day that we have decided to get an apartment. She was confused at first and then i explained to her we both want something easy right now and aren't ready for the responsibility of owning a house. Even though a mortgage would be cheaper or close to the same cost. I had to catch myself because i almost told her the real reason. I wanted to, but I'm just not ready yet. She will probably be the next person i tell. I know us moving in together is going to increase the questions about when we are getting married and that is a really weird question to have to answer right now. I usually just say i don't know, maybe...not sure when. I already get that question enough as it is.

    The other day i was driving my aunt somewhere and i was flipping through stations and flipped to the song Same Love by Makelmore. Usually if someone else is in the car i quickly change it, but this time i didn't. At first she was quiet until i asked her about something random, don't remember what. I didn't say anything about what i really wanted to.

    I feel both of those situations show how much more aware i am now and not just completely ignoring those feelings. Even though i didn't say anything to them i wanted to and could see myself doing that soon. Before it wouldn't have even crossed my mind because i was that closed off to it. I'm slowly making progress.
     
  2. Penpal

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    (*hug*) This is a really difficult decision to make. I have to say and I know you won't want to hear it I'm not sure it is the right one for either of you. You both seem to be setting yourself up for a fall and will end up hurting each other. You can still keep each other in your life but living together is such a big step. Please be careful. Only you can decide what is right though so what ever your decision I hope it works out for you. If you feel you may be close to telling people, maybe they can help you find the right answers. Really sorry if what I have said seems unsupportive but I am going through a separation at the moment and the pain is unbearable. I would hate to see others get into this situation when they have doubts in their mind already. Good luck and feel free to message me.
     
  3. Wildclover

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    While an apartment may seem like much less of a commitment remember that it's a choice you're making for a minimum of a year (assuming a one year tem on your lease). Think about one year and decide if, now that you know where your heart lies, whether you can live with him for another year. And, if so, what happens after that year? People have a hard time with change and it's easy to convince ourselves that we're okay when we're not. Think of how many people work jobs they hate because they can't work up the will to find something different. It's really no different with relationships.

    It's absolutely okay if you decide to move in together but I would strongly suggest understanding exactly what you want to get out of moving together, how long you expect it to last, and how/what you're going to do at the end of the time.

    Good luck, dear!
     
  4. Butterfly72

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    Hi,

    I am going through a separation too at the moment (14 years male, female marriage) and its hard and I know things can quickly turn nasty when it happens. Just an idea, why not consider a house share with others. so if one needs to move out it can be done quickly without a huge amount of differcult sorting out of finances. Would you be moving in as best friends? If you are and both understand that, it may be fine. If you are moving in as partners with the idea that you may find someone new and he know that, well I think that is a bad move to be honest. Its just my opinion and I don't know you but if my friend was asking me for advice that is what I would say.v Not fair on your partner, it may turn bitter faster than think.
     
  5. Lilli

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    I especially like Butterflys idea. I would find a roommate situation where you share a house with others so if one decides to leave the other still has a roof over their head.

    I'd be very hesitant to enter into anything with permanence in your situation. It seems like it may only complicate things in the future.
     
  6. LostInside

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    I keep going back and forth in my mind over whether it's a good idea or not. We don't really have any friends we can get a place with and would rather have privacy. He says he wants to try finding a woman to join us. I explained to him that i would probably become attached to her and want less to do with him and that it would end up hurting him. He even said that i would probably get jealous. He still wants to give it a try though and who knows, it might work out good? I think that we need to at least give it a try. Still, nothing like that is going to happen for quite a while anyway because I'm still getting comfortable with it all. I'm not even close to going out and trying to meet someone. I think a year is a good amount of time to work through things. We both somewhat know the risks involved and the problems that will arise, but we still want to go ahead. Even if it turns out bad i think we would still be able to live together for the rest of the lease. We aren't going to completely shut each other out. It may be awkward at first, but we can work through it.

    ---------- Post added 31st Mar 2014 at 03:12 PM ----------

    Maybe we are both just in denial about everything? I was thinking about the possibility of getting a house in my name, I'll be paying most of the bills anyway. That way if something was to happen between us and we needed space from each other he could just move out without it breaking a lease or anything. We both want to get our own place now though and getting a house takes months with all the paper work and everything else involved. So i think an apartment is our best option. We can live together and still give each other space if we need to.

    I know there are all kinds of red flags telling us no, but i think we need to do this. I wish i could talk to my sister about this, but she's got a lot going on right now. She's pregnant with her second child and due very soon so i don't think she needs added stress right now. I'm not quite ready to talk to her yet. I think she will be supportive, but I'm not ready for other people to know yet.
     
  7. greatwhale

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    How long can you wait before making a final decision?
     
  8. LostInside

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    Maybe you guys are right and i shouldn't move in with him. Its only prolonging the inevitable and might hold me back. I'm having doubts now about whether we should. A year really is a long time, a lot could happen. If we lived together it would change the relationship. Right now we see each other like four times a week and i already have difficulty in the romance department with him sometimes. Being together every day might actually hurt our relationship. I would feel so bad to leave him and just go start my own life separately. He really needs to get out of his living situation, but doesn't have the means to do so. I on the other hand have been saving for years and can comfortably afford my own place. I think the breakup would b hard enough on him, but to also be stuck where he is I'm actually afraid of what it might do to him. I would feel horrible guilt to leave him at the tike when he needs me most. Maybe we can work out a friendship agreement? Ugh, i hate how uncertain i am about everything. This is what is keeping me stuck. I'm so afraid to make the wrong decision that i end up not making any decision at all. I can't keep going like this. Something has got to change. I say that now, but something will change my mind...vicious cycle. It's starting to take a tole on me physically too. I've been so stressed that I've lost about ten pounds in the past few months, just kind of lost my appetite.
     
  9. mawwhite

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    Sounds like a difficult situation for both of you. But long term you might be making a more difficult situation because you need to be who you are (and your boy friend also). Take a look at the other threads of couples and marriages breaking breaking up after decades.
     
  10. azure au

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    Maybe its worth thinking about what you want your life to be like. Then ask yourself honestly does this step move you towards that life, or is it diverting you from where you want to be.
     
  11. Penpal

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    You can still be there for him as a friend if that's what you both want. You can't put your life on hold for him though, it will end in both your tears. Difficult decision and heartbreaking, but in the long run you will be happier. Good luck x
     
  12. Molly1977

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    I agree with what azure au has said. If you move in with your boyfriend knowing that you will have to split up with him somewhere down the line then you are only setting it up that both of you will get hurt. I know you are only focusing on moving out of your parents house but if you want to make that move make it and live by yourself or with a friend, not a boyfriend. you will have to move again anyway so you may as well do it now.

    You also sound like you want to tell your parents, again you are only putting off the inevatable. You will have to do this at some point you may as well do it sooner rather than later.

    Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh its just there are so many people on this site saying they wish they had made positive choices for their lives earlier when you are in the position to do the right thing now you dont want to make a mistake. It will also be a mistake for the both of you, by staying with your boyfriend you are denying him the chance of finding the partner that is right for him.

    Hope you take this opportunity to think about where both of you really want to be and make the correct choice for both of you. Molly xx

    ---------- Post added 2nd Apr 2014 at 07:21 AM ----------

    "He really needs to get out of his living situation, but doesn't have the means to do so. I on the other hand have been saving for years and can comfortably afford my own place."

    you are not responsable for his happyness. If he needs to move then he should save his own money and move.
     
  13. greatwhale

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    I feel for you, but I think you know that moving in with him will be an absolute mistake.

    What you wrote above is what is most troubling: any guilt-based relationship will not work. I think you know that too...God knows; we who've gotten into relationships on this basis will regret it for the rest of our lives...this regret extends to the people we partnered with.
     
  14. LostInside

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    This really isn't a guilt based relationship since i do genuinely love him. I see what you are saying though. We are both moving in together knowing that it's temporary. I'm not ready to come out to my family yet and i feel this is going to be a lengthy process. Although i have been slowly feeling more comfortable with the thought of other people knowing. When I'm around family i feel like i am lying to them because they don't know the real me, that started recently. I feel like it would probably be a relief if i didn't have to hide it anymore, but I'm not ready for that to happen yet. I just started finally accepting this part of myself in February so i think i have made quite a bit of progress. I had another talk with him and again asked him what would happen if we were living together and i left him for a woman, asked if he would still live there or what. I also said i didn't want to hurt him and i felt horrible that at the thought of leaving him for a woman i couldn't help but smile even though i knew how much it would hurt him. He just kind of laughed and said I'm thinking too much into things. All he can talk about lately is how great it's going to be when we move in together, he's excited about it even though he knows what will eventually happen. I do feel that staying with him I'm denying him the chance to find someone else, but he doesn't want to break up. I don't either. We aren't ready to let go of each other yet. I know when we do break up we can still talk to each other, but it won't be the same anymore. There will start to be things we don't share and start talking less, probably barely ever see each other. At least that's how it will probably be at first while we get used to not being together anymore. I guess we will have a cooling off period and give each other some space for a while. For now though i am content with him and want to experience living with him. I enjoy being able to talk to him about my crushes and things. Sometimes it annoys him, but sometimes he makes comments himself. He will notice me turn my head checking out some woman and say something like "oh, i know what you're looking at" or something. Sometimes he even points out women that he thinks i would like. We have very open communication about it.

    ---------- Post added 5th Apr 2014 at 01:47 AM ----------

    When the time comes we will deal with it then, but for now we are going to enjoy out quirky relationship while we still can. Living together may even change my mind about some things and maybe i will realize i am happy with him even though he isn't a woman. Maybe i will date a couple women and realize it's not what i thought it would be like? I know If i found a woman that i really connected with i would probably be happier than i have ever been in my life, but who knows when that will ever happen? I think when i do start dating ( distant future) that he should be aloud to do the same, it would only be fair.
     
  15. greatwhale

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    You seem determined to go ahead, who are we to tell you otherwise?

    An old Israeli friend of mine told me something very true and applicable to this situation:

    We have given you the benefit of our experience, but we don't know your situation. For all we know, you probably have very compelling reasons to want to set yourselves up in a new place. We only know that people can be very different in different situations. Many of us have been shocked at how the people we thought we knew have behaved under stress, love or fear.

    You may be wise to get a place with two bedrooms...
     
  16. azure au

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    I feel like there is something I must say, it is well meant and I really hope you will take it that way. You must know that if he loves you he will most likely say he understands it is temporary or that he will accept its platonic because he will see it as his last chance. But ask yourself can someone make that agreement when their heart is already committed to you.

    I also feel like at 30 you have more than half your life ahead. You identify as lesbian. Don't you owe it to yourself to have relationships with women?

    At times we all take refuge in familiar comfortable things. Do you think part of you is still trying to see yourself as straight? If that is even partly true then this decision might be a very bad one.

    I try and encourage people, I do not normally post advice, but I just felt the need to be honest with you about how it looks to me. That said I am aware I don't know you or your situation. I hope you can tell I meant this kindly. Whatever you decide make sure you keep getting support.
     
  17. Lilli

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    LostInside you appear to identify as a lesbian but you think you may wind up being happy with your boyfriend? Do you really believe that or are you wanting to be open to it so you dont have to make a difficult decision?

    Your life, your consequences. I honestly feel bad for both of you, particularly when I read the part about him being excited about you moving out together. If youre REALLY SURE youre a lesbian then from an outside observer perspective this is heartbreaking.

    Again, not knowing either party (you or your boyfriend) or all of the details of your circumstances, I guess all we can do is wish you well. We're all here for you if you need us
     
  18. paris

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    The other day I cast I Ching to ask some question and got this answer:

    Your heart isn't in it and others can sense this.
    Every move you make is watched with suspicion.
    Steel your resolve or failure is certain.


    It came to my mind when reading your last post. I know it's stupid, whatever, but I was always thinking that when I'm still with my boyfriend that I can't meet the right woman because I emit some kind of unavailable vibe and women can sense that. Exactly what the first line is saying, and that I should either steel my resolve about being with a woman and go for it or forget it all.

    It's nice that you have very open communication with your boyfriend but I think that you can't expect he'll give you unbiased advice. He may seem to be rather okay with you being lesbian and understanding about the current situation but it seems to me that he's hoping you'll stay forever and he's ready to do whatever to make that happen.
    I can understand that staying with him may feel safer than an uncertain future on your own but I somewhat worry that staying with him will hold you back and you could never find the strength to try being with a woman instead.
     
    #18 paris, Apr 5, 2014
    Last edited: Apr 5, 2014
  19. LostInside

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    Thank you for all the advice everyone. I think what Azure and Paris said struck me the most.

    " At times we all take refuge in familiar
    comfortable things. Do you think part of you is
    still trying to see yourself as straight? If that
    is even partly true then this decision might be
    a very bad one."

    Azure - I think maybe this is very true for me. Like I'm trying to hold onto the fact that i have been with him this long so maybe i am straight. We have had a pretty good relationship over the years, been with him over half my life. Crazy to think about really. I know deep down that's not possible though because I'm not physically attracted to him and all i think about is women. I've always been naturally attracted to women, but over the years i guess i kind of trained my mind to not feel anything. Just rambling here...

    " I was
    always thinking that when I'm still with my
    boyfriend that I can't meet the right woman
    because I emit some kind of unavailable vibe
    and women can sense that. Exactly what the
    first line is saying, and that I should either
    steel my resolve about being with a woman
    and go for it or forget it all."

    Paris - Thats not stupid at all. I need to steel my resolve because forgetting about it is not an option though at times i wish it was.

    Today i had one of those days where i think i should just move out on my own now by myself because eventually we are going to break up at some point down the line. Why not save us both the trouble right now? I feel like if i move in with him we will get into routines around the house and we'll become comfortable and it will make me question more about whether i really want to do this. I'm tired of hiding though and feel ready to move this progress on a little. Even if we break up i dont have to explain the real reason why. Could just say we've grown apart or done other generic reason. I think that is one thing holding me back, the fear of people finding out the real reason when I'm not ready for them to know. I need to figure out who i am and develop my personality and self alone, without distractions from others. I've been hiding for so long I've kind of lost my sense of self and my boyfriend is kind of an extension to me. Does that make sense?

    ---------- Post added 7th Apr 2014 at 01:10 AM ----------

    Sorry fur the extremely long post, guess i had more to say than i thought.
     
  20. azure au

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    I think I understand. When you are hiding or in my case leading a double life it is easy to lose yourself. But you and I are both worth fighting for. That's what I love about e.c, we learn we are not the only ones going through these issues. We can benefit from each others experience and we don't have to face things alone. You can find other solutions for your living situation. You have options. It's easy to forget that when stress takes over x