So, I had this issue with my boyfriend not willing to be affectionate with me in public. When I first talked to him about it, his exact word where he is a closet homosexual. The way he explained that was he was not out about being gay more or less so he was simple not comfortable with showing affections in public, even in a LGBT friend place. I felt there was more to this and was not comfortable with having to hide our feelings for each other in public. I did sit down with him again and talked to him about this matter. I was calm and caring and gave him plenty of room to share what he felt. I feel like he b.s-ed me. He told me that being affectionate to a man in public wasn’t his thing. I didn’t want to push the issue to hard and hurt him. But I did ask him to clarify what he meant. Never really got clarification of what he meant or a feeling he ever gave me any truthful reason why he won’t show me affection in public. Just lots “ You know I love you ” said over and over again. Really? You love me but only will say it or show it behind close doors. Never out in public. Not the words and even holding my hand? That’s love for me? Great. You love me in a secret way. Here’s the thing. I am no one’s secret or uncomfortably. I am a person who is worth being love and gives love. No excuses, no b.s. If there is an issue, I will respectfully face the issue and resolve it with the respect and comforts to all involved. But I will not be less than what I give. He’s gay. At least he claims to be and he sure does kiss damn good as a gay man, but if he is going to keep his love for me a secret, than contact the federal government cause they love keeping things secret. Don’t bother me. I am no one’s secret. I am very hurt and offended by his behavior and more so, his on the fly excuses. I am not okay with this or him. I made this clear with as much love and respect I could give to him and that if this is the way it is going to be between us, there is no us. I was really hoping for him to work with me on this matter, but all I got is more “ I love you.”. Well, he got a ‘no thanks, enjoy your life’ from me. I broke up with him. It sucks, but I rather live without him than live in secret with him. Maybe he has issues that he just can’t deal with right now. Maybe there is more to the story than what he is telling me. But if that is the case, no maybe about it, he should be making some sort of effort to work with me and any issues he has. I’ll be fine. I have taken harder hits than lost love and still survived. I’ll survive this to and eventually find a man who will love me instead of hiding me. End of this chapter in my life.
Personally, I applaud you for this. A time might come when he grows to truly accept himself and those that he loves, but it is not fair for you to have to wait on the chance that will eventually arise. It is better to end a relationship that is bound to bring you turmoil as early as possible. At least now you are certain of what you desire in a relationship and the topic of affection and visibility can be discussed on a beginning date rather than further down the line.
I can understand your frustration but it is difficult for him as well. Personally I'm not in a place of such self confidence that I could deal with a bad public rejection. We build up a story that it is ok to be gay but it's a fragile one and when being gay is on display in such a public setting and then denounced... It can be hard. It's happened to me a few times frankly I'm just not comfortable in my own skin. Is he open about being gay with friends and family?
Maybe he needs some help, but well... I've spent 4 years with a man who turned out to have HUGE issues with being gay. Result: I started to "absorb" some of his issues. Try to spend 4 years with someone who tells you daily "gay people are evil", and tell me the effect you get. I'm still trying to shrug off all of this... So, kudos for your bold decision.
You made the right move; focus on the runway in front of you, not what is behind you. Maybe your friend will catch up to you some day, but that is his work to do, not yours.
